Feeds

Wishing you an EMF-free Christmas

Christmas gifts for the truly paranoid

Remote control for virtualized desktops

With Ofcom auctioning off spectrum left, right and centre, there has never been a better time to panic about what all those frequencies might be doing to your body, regardless of the lack of scientific evidence that it does very much at all. So if you're looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for the electromagnetic paranoid in your life then look no further, as we have everything you need right here.

You'll want to start with a "Black Hole" phone bag. a snip at $12 this pouch completely cuts your phone off from any electromagnetic signals at all, and prevents its radiation from reaching you. Of course your mobile won't actually work in such circumstances, but that's a small price to pay for your health.

Better than encasing your phone in a Faraday cage is to encase your body in one. At Less EMF you can get everything from scarves ($38) to boxer shorts ($64), to socks ($20 a pair), and even the proverbial tin-foil-lined hat (£30) to protect you from "mind noise" caused by RF radiation.

The same company will sell you ghost-detecting equipment too, in case your paranoia transcends the physical planE, with the Starter Ghost Hunting kit coming in at $90.

Wrapping yourself in conductive material is a lot like hard work when a range of simple pendants can be equally effective at warding off electromagnetic waves, and improve your golf at the same time. For only $80 you can get a QLink classic pendent, which will increase your endurance and improve your performance, and it's waterproof too.

If you're serious about your wellbeing then you'll want a Mega Chi pendent, which does everything the QLink can do but doesn't limit itself to electromagnetic radiation "...but also from other negative energies like fear and doubt - even the negative thoughts of others!"

Protection from the negative thoughts of others doesn't come cheap, and the Mega Chi will set you back $250.

For in-house protection you'll need something location-based, such as the Safe Space. It's $110 of protection that utilises "...a wide range of permanently imprinted vibrational frequencies which interact with your environment to create a tangible positive change."

It's easy to laugh at nutters, but Exradia continues to sell its protecting battery (the Angel) on the basis that it's better to be safe than sorry, and if you order now they'll even throw in a free T-Shirt.

On that logic I'll be ordering myself a lightning detector and some oxygenated water, neither of which will be much use to me when I'm hit by a car but at least my water will have oxygen in it.

This Christmas my most serious concern will be why my glass is empty, and how such a situation can most effectively be remedied should it occur. Meanwhile I will recklessly be exposing myself to the wide range of electromagnetic forces which I hope the gifts waiting under the tree for me will generate.

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
YOU are the threat: True confessions of real-life sysadmins
Who will save the systems from the men and women who save the systems from you?
Download alert: Nearly ALL top 100 Android, iOS paid apps hacked
Attack of the Clones? Yeah, but much, much scarier – report
Broadband sellers in the UK are UP TO no good, says Which?
Speedy network claims only apply to 10% of customers
Virgin Media struck dumb by NATIONWIDE packet loss balls-up
Turning it off and on again fixes glitch 12 HOURS LATER
Ofcom snatches 700MHz off digital telly, hands it to mobile data providers
Hungry mobe'n'slab-waving Blighty swallows spectrum
Fujitsu CTO: We'll be 3D-printing tech execs in 15 years
Fleshy techie disses network neutrality, helmet-less motorcyclists
Facebook, working on Facebook at Work, works on Facebook. At Work
You don't want your cat or drunk pics at the office
prev story

Whitepapers

Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Managing SSL certificates with ease
The lack of operational efficiencies and compliance pitfalls associated with poor SSL certificate management, and how the right SSL certificate management tool can help.
Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile
Data demand and the rise of virtualization is challenging IT teams to deliver storage performance, scalability and capacity that can keep up, while maximizing efficiency.