With Ofcom auctioning off spectrum left, right and centre, there has never been a better time to panic about what all those frequencies might be doing to your body, regardless of the lack of scientific evidence that it does very much at all. So if you're looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for the electromagnetic paranoid in your life then look no further, as we have everything you need right here.

You'll want to start with a "Black Hole" phone bag. a snip at $12 this pouch completely cuts your phone off from any electromagnetic signals at all, and prevents its radiation from reaching you. Of course your mobile won't actually work in such circumstances, but that's a small price to pay for your health.

The same company will sell you ghost-detecting equipment too, in case your paranoia transcends the physical planE, with the Starter Ghost Hunting kit coming in at $90.

Wrapping yourself in conductive material is a lot like hard work when a range of simple pendants can be equally effective at warding off electromagnetic waves, and improve your golf at the same time. For only $80 you can get a QLink classic pendent, which will increase your endurance and improve your performance, and it's waterproof too.

If you're serious about your wellbeing then you'll want a Mega Chi pendent, which does everything the QLink can do but doesn't limit itself to electromagnetic radiation "...but also from other negative energies like fear and doubt - even the negative thoughts of others!"

Protection from the negative thoughts of others doesn't come cheap, and the Mega Chi will set you back $250.

For in-house protection you'll need something location-based, such as the Safe Space. It's $110 of protection that utilises "...a wide range of permanently imprinted vibrational frequencies which interact with your environment to create a tangible positive change."

It's easy to laugh at nutters, but Exradia continues to sell its protecting battery (the Angel) on the basis that it's better to be safe than sorry, and if you order now they'll even throw in a free T-Shirt.

On that logic I'll be ordering myself a lightning detector and some oxygenated water, neither of which will be much use to me when I'm hit by a car but at least my water will have oxygen in it.

This Christmas my most serious concern will be why my glass is empty, and how such a situation can most effectively be remedied should it occur. Meanwhile I will recklessly be exposing myself to the wide range of electromagnetic forces which I hope the gifts waiting under the tree for me will generate.

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• Queen's Speech hits YouTube (24 December 2007)
• Experts dampen mobile mast health fears (26 March 2007)
• Councils to publish phone mast emission data (25 August 2005)
• Mobile phone chip ends radiation fears (10 May 1999)