Feeds

Wishing you an EMF-free Christmas

Christmas gifts for the truly paranoid

Boost IT visibility and business value

With Ofcom auctioning off spectrum left, right and centre, there has never been a better time to panic about what all those frequencies might be doing to your body, regardless of the lack of scientific evidence that it does very much at all. So if you're looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for the electromagnetic paranoid in your life then look no further, as we have everything you need right here.

You'll want to start with a "Black Hole" phone bag. a snip at $12 this pouch completely cuts your phone off from any electromagnetic signals at all, and prevents its radiation from reaching you. Of course your mobile won't actually work in such circumstances, but that's a small price to pay for your health.

Better than encasing your phone in a Faraday cage is to encase your body in one. At Less EMF you can get everything from scarves ($38) to boxer shorts ($64), to socks ($20 a pair), and even the proverbial tin-foil-lined hat (£30) to protect you from "mind noise" caused by RF radiation.

The same company will sell you ghost-detecting equipment too, in case your paranoia transcends the physical planE, with the Starter Ghost Hunting kit coming in at $90.

Wrapping yourself in conductive material is a lot like hard work when a range of simple pendants can be equally effective at warding off electromagnetic waves, and improve your golf at the same time. For only $80 you can get a QLink classic pendent, which will increase your endurance and improve your performance, and it's waterproof too.

If you're serious about your wellbeing then you'll want a Mega Chi pendent, which does everything the QLink can do but doesn't limit itself to electromagnetic radiation "...but also from other negative energies like fear and doubt - even the negative thoughts of others!"

Protection from the negative thoughts of others doesn't come cheap, and the Mega Chi will set you back $250.

For in-house protection you'll need something location-based, such as the Safe Space. It's $110 of protection that utilises "...a wide range of permanently imprinted vibrational frequencies which interact with your environment to create a tangible positive change."

It's easy to laugh at nutters, but Exradia continues to sell its protecting battery (the Angel) on the basis that it's better to be safe than sorry, and if you order now they'll even throw in a free T-Shirt.

On that logic I'll be ordering myself a lightning detector and some oxygenated water, neither of which will be much use to me when I'm hit by a car but at least my water will have oxygen in it.

This Christmas my most serious concern will be why my glass is empty, and how such a situation can most effectively be remedied should it occur. Meanwhile I will recklessly be exposing myself to the wide range of electromagnetic forces which I hope the gifts waiting under the tree for me will generate.

Seven Steps to Software Security

More from The Register

next story
Auntie remains MYSTIFIED by that weekend BBC iPlayer and website outage
Still doing 'forensics' on the caching layer – Beeb digi wonk
Apple orders huge MOUNTAIN of 80 MILLION 'Air' iPhone 6s
Bigger, harder trouser bulges foretold for fanbois
Bring back error correction, say Danish 'net boffins
We don't need no steenkin' TCP/IP retransmission and the congestion it causes
GoTenna: How does this 'magic' work?
An ideal product if you believe the Earth is flat
Samsung Z Tizen OS mobe is post-phoned – this time for good?
Russian launch for Sammy's non-droid knocked back
Telstra to KILL 2G network by end of 2016
GSM now stands for Grave-Seeking-Mobile network
Seeking LTE expert to insert small cells into BT customers' places
Is this the first step to a FON-a-like 4G network?
Yorkshire cops fail to grasp principle behind BT Fon Wi-Fi network
'Prevent people that are passing by to hook up to your network', pleads plod
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Application security programs and practises
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
How modern custom applications can spur business growth
Learn how to create, deploy and manage custom applications without consuming or expanding the need for scarce, expensive IT resources.
Securing Web Applications Made Simple and Scalable
Learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.