Feeds

Wishing you an EMF-free Christmas

Christmas gifts for the truly paranoid

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

With Ofcom auctioning off spectrum left, right and centre, there has never been a better time to panic about what all those frequencies might be doing to your body, regardless of the lack of scientific evidence that it does very much at all. So if you're looking for a last-minute Christmas gift for the electromagnetic paranoid in your life then look no further, as we have everything you need right here.

You'll want to start with a "Black Hole" phone bag. a snip at $12 this pouch completely cuts your phone off from any electromagnetic signals at all, and prevents its radiation from reaching you. Of course your mobile won't actually work in such circumstances, but that's a small price to pay for your health.

Better than encasing your phone in a Faraday cage is to encase your body in one. At Less EMF you can get everything from scarves ($38) to boxer shorts ($64), to socks ($20 a pair), and even the proverbial tin-foil-lined hat (£30) to protect you from "mind noise" caused by RF radiation.

The same company will sell you ghost-detecting equipment too, in case your paranoia transcends the physical planE, with the Starter Ghost Hunting kit coming in at $90.

Wrapping yourself in conductive material is a lot like hard work when a range of simple pendants can be equally effective at warding off electromagnetic waves, and improve your golf at the same time. For only $80 you can get a QLink classic pendent, which will increase your endurance and improve your performance, and it's waterproof too.

If you're serious about your wellbeing then you'll want a Mega Chi pendent, which does everything the QLink can do but doesn't limit itself to electromagnetic radiation "...but also from other negative energies like fear and doubt - even the negative thoughts of others!"

Protection from the negative thoughts of others doesn't come cheap, and the Mega Chi will set you back $250.

For in-house protection you'll need something location-based, such as the Safe Space. It's $110 of protection that utilises "...a wide range of permanently imprinted vibrational frequencies which interact with your environment to create a tangible positive change."

It's easy to laugh at nutters, but Exradia continues to sell its protecting battery (the Angel) on the basis that it's better to be safe than sorry, and if you order now they'll even throw in a free T-Shirt.

On that logic I'll be ordering myself a lightning detector and some oxygenated water, neither of which will be much use to me when I'm hit by a car but at least my water will have oxygen in it.

This Christmas my most serious concern will be why my glass is empty, and how such a situation can most effectively be remedied should it occur. Meanwhile I will recklessly be exposing myself to the wide range of electromagnetic forces which I hope the gifts waiting under the tree for me will generate.

Intelligent flash storage arrays

More from The Register

next story
TEEN RAMPAGE: Kids in iPhone 6 'Will it bend' YouTube 'prank'
iPhones bent in Norwich? As if the place wasn't weird enough
Crouching tiger, FAST ASLEEP dragon: Smugglers can't shift iPhone 6s
China's grey market reports 'sluggish' sales of Apple mobe
Sea-Me-We 5 construction starts
New sub cable to go live 2016
EE coughs to BROKEN data usage metrics BLUNDER that short-changes customers
Carrier apologises for 'inflated' measurements cockup
Comcast: Help, help, FCC. Netflix and pals are EXTORTIONISTS
The others guys are being mean so therefore ... monopoly all good, yeah?
Surprise: if you work from home you need the Internet
Buffer-rage sends Aussies out to experience road rage
EE buys 58 Phones 4u stores for £2.5m after picking over carcass
Operator says it will safeguard 359 jobs, plans lick of paint
prev story

Whitepapers

A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.