Paris and Britney top US kids' Santa naughty list
No prezzies for you, you drunken knickerless strumpets
US kids have delightfully voted exceptionally-talented heiress Paris Hilton, along with wobbly popstress Britney "Oops I forgot my knickers again" Spears, as heading Santa's Xmas "naughty list", thereby ensuring that neither of them will receive much-needed underwear or self-administered breath-test kits in their Christmas stockings.
An online survey of 1,107 children by E-Poll Market Research fingered Britney as Saint Nick's top naughty lass, with Hilton a close second. Lindsay "Out in 84 Minutes" Lohan came third, while baaaad girl Beyonce could only manage a disappointing fourth spot.
Disney star Hannah Montana, on the other hand, secured "nicest" celeb with nippers between 2 and 12, while Angelina "I ♥ Namibia" Jolie proved overwhelmingly too lovely for teens aged 13 to 17.
Regarding just how to impress Santa into discharging his sack in your bedroom, the young 'uns reckoned "cleaning up and doing chores", "sharing" and "being honest and polite" would tickle his fancy, according to Reuters. The absolute no-nos were "not listening to parents", "being mean and bullying" and "being snobby".
Bless. Those of you with kids will doubtless be shedding a small tear at this point at these youngsters' wide-eyed innocence. Those of us of more advanced years, however, know there are far more serious misdemeanours which will incur Santa's displeasure. Here's El Reg's list, and readers are invited to submit their own litanies:
- Calling a teddy bear "Mohammed"
- Gunning down your High School
- Jailing an entire courtroom because of a ringing mobile phone
- Tasering defenceless people to death
- Carelessly mislaying disc-borne details on 25m UK citizens
- Failing to qualify for Euro 2008
- Starting a land war in Asia (no link - you know where we're coming from)
- Naming your daughter "Princess Tiaamii"
- Having sex with a bicycle
- Using the word "mobe" without written permission from the Vulture Central Lexicographical Soviet
Ok, over to you... ®
No complaining about the Paris Hilton angle this time, eh, you utter, utter bastards.
Sponsored: The Nuts and Bolts of Ransomware in 2016