Programming with Marigold gloves on

Is Ruby the way forward?

Ruby is absolutely right for making some lightweight classes or a small website for bright breast-fed kids to put on their heads on the way to school.

Uh huh. I'll take that as a 'no'. How about Java, then?

It is an excellent language for the application of design patterns, provided the design pattern is Burberry.

Eh?

We feel that Chava, sorry, Java is a splendid language for the financial sector, and for everybody else who habitually talks with his mouth full. Personally we'd rather be caught shoplifting Smarties from the pick 'n' mix counter in Woolworths than use it. We'd sooner set up in business selling teddy bears stolen from the shrines at road accident sites, we'd rather-

Yes, yes, all right. Calm down. So what programming language does get the yellow-rubbered-thumbs up?

At the Stewart Institute, we have a lot of time for Haskell.

Well I didn't see that one coming, I must admit. I wouldn't have thought Haskell's notorious laziness would mesh with Martha's world view. Is it the challenge of ironing those hanging indents properly?

Don't be facetious. No, our enthusiasm is inspired by Simon Peyton-Jones's videos. Such a nice man. 'SLPJ' is the Michael Palin of the functional programming world.

Simon's infectious enthusiasm for his subject is a lesson to us all. I'd go as far as to say that his lectures are as useful to seamstresses as they are to the average working programmer.

I think I begin to understand. Is Prof Jones married?

To a C of E priest, for heaven's sake. Still, it could never have worked. Apart from anything else, he works for Microsoft.

Fair enough. Verity, I have a bus to catch; just one more question that I know we have all been dieing to ask since Martha's name was first mentioned.

Right ho, fire away.

What's it really like in jail?

Snake! ®

• Stob on The Reg
• Verity Stob book