Aliens responsible for Italian machine uprising
Canneto di Caronia report fingers Lizard Alliance
RoTM Italian authorities have confirmed what we at the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) have known all along - that the 2004 machine uprising in the Italian village of Canneto di Caronia was probably caused by aliens.
For three weeks, locals battled against spontaneously-combusting TVs, fridges, cookers and mobile phones which damaged twelve houses and provoked a full-scale evacuation of the hamlet. The village's mayor, Pedro Spinnato, said: "This all began three weeks ago and we can discover no explanation. We cannot risk a tragedy through these fires so I have no other option to evacuate.
"We have had engineers in to examine cables and wires but they can find nothing wrong. Twelve houses have been severely damaged after various domestic appliances burst into flames."
Subsequent investigation led the then head of Sicily's Civil Protection Agency, Tullio Martella, to offer: "The cause of the fires seems to have been static electric charges. What we don't understand is why there were these static electric charges. It is not certain that the fires are finished forever. They were episodic to begin with."
The villagers were having none of it, and fingered Satanic influence for the terror. Nino Pezzino, a 43-year-old insurance salesman, said: "I'm Catholic. I believe in the Devil. I don't know why the Devil is here. If it happens again, I'm bringing in the exorcist."
Pezzino further declared he wouldn't stop at exorcism to purge his village of the malelovence. He continued: "If we're going to do it, we have to do it right. In order to do it, you need a sacrifice for the immortal gods, like a black goat or a black sheep. You have to dig a hole into the ground, because this is serious."
What he should have done, however, was dust off his pulse plasma rifle, because after a £1m probe conducted by dozens of experts and even someone from NASA, the powers that be have decided the fires were provoked by "high power electro magnetic emissions which were not man made and reached a power of between 12 and 15 gigawatts".
The report - leaked in various Italian newspapers - also details a possible UFO landing close to the village, elaborating that "burnt imprints which have not been explained were found in a field".
Francesco Mantegna Venerando, Sicily's current Civil Protection chief who coordinated the report, cautioned: "This is not the final report. We are still working on our conclusions and this has been leaked. We are not saying that little green men from Mars started the fires, but that unnatural forces capable of creating a large amount of electromagnetic energy were responsible.
"This is just one possibility we are also looking at another one which involves the testing of top secret weapons by an unknown power which are also capable of producing an enormous amount of energy."
Yeah right, Francesco. All NRA cadres are hereby ordered to go to Defcon "Armageddon" ahead of the possible deployment of a Lizard Alliance 15 gigawatt domestic appliance suicide ray. ®
The Rise of the Machines™
NASA to unleash 'mind meld' intelligent machines (22 June 2007)
EU slaps 'Davros tax' on mobility scooters (12 June 2007)
Carnivore ATM bites Florida kiddie (16 March 2007)
Hybrid vehicle attacks petrol station (12 March 2007)
Humans taste of bacon, says gourmet robot (10 November 2006)
Satnav orders German into toilet (24 October 2006)
Lizard Alliance targets Turkish PM (19 October 2006)
Washing machine attacks Icelander (9 October 2006)
Volkswagen unleashes 150mph self-driving car (4 July 2006)
Police arrest satanic BMW victim (20 June 2006)
Iraq grunts mourn loss of robot comrade (25 May 2006)
Bendy bus attacks Leeds cake shop (25 April 2006)
Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability (20 April 2006)
Man survives satanic BMW crash-and-burn (13 March 2006)
Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet (15 February 2006)
Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter (4 November 2005)
NRA probes Japanese sex android (26 August 2005)
Androids launch minicab firm (15 July 2005)
Beware the breast-examining hand of death (13 July 2005)
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay (13 July 2005)
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs (6 June 2005)
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube (13 May 2005)
Sex android begats Armageddon machine (22 April 2005)
Man executes Chrysler (21 April 2005)
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo (24 March 2005)
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal (18 March 2005)
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London (14 March 2005)
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover (11 March 2005)
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace (8 March 2005)
French join motorised Lizard Alliance (22 February 2005)
Lizard Army develops copulating robot (11 February 2005)
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace (9 February 2005)
Lizard Army invades Alaska (27 January 2005)
London menaced by flaming DVD players (12 January 2005)
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman (24 December 2004)
Car self-destructs in assassination bid (17 December 2004)
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android (16 December 2004)
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach (15 November 2004)
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines™ (13 October 2004)
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal (7 October 2004)
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated (28 June 2004)
US develops motorised robobollard (29 April 2004)
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie (22 April 2004)
Fire-breathing buses threaten London (24 March 2004)
Cyberappliances attack Italian village (11 February 2004)
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent (10 February 2004)
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager (8 December 2003)
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera (19 April 2001)
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman (17 April 2001)
Sponsored: Data Loss Prevention & Data Theft Prevention