Feeds

Reg Standards Soviet defines temperature, force and weight

Introducing the Hilton, Norris and Jub

The Power of One Brief: Top reasons to choose HP BladeSystem

Our recent declaration of the Vulture Central standards of area, length and volume proved rather popular with those among you who'd always wanted a proper system by which we might measure the universe.

So much so, that an emergency plenary sitting of the Reg Standards Soviet this week reached unanimous agreement on three further units, as follows:

Temperature

The standard unit of temperature shall be the Hilton (Hn - "That's hot"), which is defined as the amount of heat required to make an average person remove a layer of clothing. Extensive research carried out in secret [Ah, so that's what has been going on with the air-conditioning - Ed] has revealed that this is roughly ten degrees Kelvin.

For calibration purposes, zero on the Register temperature scale is the temperature at which a talented ex-jailbird heiress can be expected to be fully dressed in at least one layer of clothing. (Underpants optional, obviously.) This is set at 293K, or 20°C. Accordingly, what the rest of the world might call 0°C, we shall refer to as -2 Hiltons (Hn).

Examples:

  • Pack your swimming trunks - the beaches are expected to be heaving as the temperature soars to two Hiltons.
  • A lingerie expert confirmed Lindsay Lohan rarely wears knickers if the mercury hits half a Hilton.
  • Doctors say that a temperature rise of as little as a quarter of a Hilton could prove fatal in those affected by the disease.

Force

The standard unit of force shall be the Norris (No), representing 100 newtons, or 10197.162129999999 grams force, 10.19716 kiloponds, 10,000,000 dynes, 723.30139 poundals, 359.69425 ounces force or 22.48091 pounds force.

Examples:

  • Doctors later said Campbell's PDA had hit the maid with a force equivalent to three Norrises.
  • Scientists believe an asteroid as small as five Bulgarian airbags in volume could strike the earth with a force of two million Norrises, flattening an area of 500 nanoWales.

Weight

The standard unit of weight shall be the Jub (Jb), representing the weight required to crush an Australian beer can at sea level, ie 4.2kg or 0.08267 UK short hundredweight, 7 Japanese kinn or 984.6 old Russian zolotniks. The units microJub, milliJub, kiloJub, megaJub, etc, are acceptable derivatives of the Jub.

Examples:

  • Fashion show officials confirmed that models packing less than five Jubs per linguine in height were "too thin" to participate.
  • The doctor claimed that his diet had allowed women to shed "thousands" of excess Jubs.
  • The US insisted Iran had already stockpiled 100 kiloJubs of uranium, enough to fill three Olympic-sized swimming pools. ®

The smart choice: opportunity from uncertainty

More from The Register

next story
NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'
Spooks ask Dabbsy to suggest a nice hotel with pool
Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!
In space... no one can hear you're green...
Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN
Big cat causes big trouble at Mumbai college
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!
If you're reading this email, I am no longer alive
Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land
Bold, barmy Brit adventurer Nick Hancock escapes North Atlantic islet
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Application security programs and practises
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
How modern custom applications can spur business growth
Learn how to create, deploy and manage custom applications without consuming or expanding the need for scarce, expensive IT resources.
Securing Web Applications Made Simple and Scalable
Learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.