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Flaming squirrel nicked for blatant forgeries

While plods drop trousers, fine barmaid for breast extravaganza

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Internet Security Threat Report 2014

An Australian bar maid has been fined A$1,000 dollars (£439) for entertaining customers by "crushing beer cans between her bare breasts", as well as "hanging spoons from her nipples". A lady of many talents indeed. Exception was taken to non-use of a standard Regicism, and the rest of you slathered for pictures:

Chesticles? What happened to Bulgarian Airbags?

Bubble


This is useless without pics. After all, without pictures how could be possibly decide if the law was justified? Depending on the state of them, they might have been doing the crowd a favour making her keep them under wraps.

Andy Worth


So does that mean that we can have "Australian can crushers" as an alternative to Bulgarian airbags?

Mike Smith


When I was a lot younger and at college we would while away our spare time eyeing-up the females. We came up with clasification for mam sizes.

1) Titties.

2) Boobies.

3) Breasts.

4) Jugs.

5) Gazongas.

Then some one chucked in "Anything more than a handful is a waste", at which point we all looked at our hands and realised we all had different sized hands. The solution was we invented the BSH that's the British Standard Handful. (34C, slightly bigger than my hand). Someone also said "Anything more than a mouthful is a waste" but that could apply other things as well, so it got binned

Joe Stalin


Oz barmaid adored for crushing beer cans between jubs

Oz barmaid rewarded for crushing beer cans between jubs

Oz barmaid celebrated for crushing beer cans between jubs

All seem to make more sense to me - poor girl was doing her bit to reduce the transportation volume of empty beer cans on their way to recycling (or to take less landfill space - your choice) and tried to retain her modesty with teaspoons so as not to offend.

I also vote for the 'oi Lester, where's the pic, then?' icon

Cliff


A fiendish gang of master criminals are in front of the beak, charged with forging £1,000 and £500,000 banknotes. The fact that one of these tightly controlled and in extremely short supply, while the other never even existed is just further evidence of their alleged duplicity. The total value of the forged notes was £28bn, nearly three quarters of the £39bn actually in circulation.

Let's see. The forgeries weren't very good. One of the denominations never existed. The other was carefully accounted for, as you would expect of notes that valuable. The only denomination that was ever issued has now expired and could only be exchanged by the Bank itself as a favour and, therefore, subjected to closer scrutiny than would normally be expected of a note

So, is this some strange use of the word "audacious" of which the rest of us have yet to be advised? My Thesaurus fails to list it as a synonym for "mind-numbingly incompetant". A terrible oversight.

No doubt at some point they'll be describing the ringleader as a "mastermind", a synonym for "fuckwit" as any fule kno.


I've tried, I really have, but I fail to see the mental processes behind this:

Person A: "Let's print some 500,000 pound notes and go into a bank and try to exchange them."

Person B: "Brilliant! How can it possibly fail...?"

John Stag


Seriously, for stupid crimes like this the guilty should be placed on public display in stocks for a few weeks, where the general public are allowed to mock and assault them with rotten fruit.

Anonymous Coward


Looks real enough to me, but then again i'm a bit stoopid!!!!

Anonymous Coward


I heard somewhere they were caught because they put Paris Hilton's picture on the notes.

Anonymous John

Well, she is multi-talented, easily recognisable, and very regal in conduct. When you consider what some royals got up to in the past, anyway... ®

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