Feeds

Paris Hilton heads for the cryogenic freezer

'It's so cool,' enthuses immortal heiress

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

There is some excellent news today for future generations who had until now been condemned to a bleak and meaningless existence without the entertaining presence of multi-talented former jailbird Paris Hilton, viz: the heiress intends to extend her life "by hundreds and thousands of years" in a cryogenic chamber.

Hilton has allegedly invested heavily in the Cryonics Institute, reportedly the biggest suspended animation cemetery west of the Mississippi, or indeed east of that majestic watercourse. She'll be joined in stasis, in the style of ancient Egyptian nobility, by her Chihuahua Tinkerbell and Yorkshire Terrier Cinderella, thereby ensuring canine companionship on her journey to eventual, triumphant resurrection.

She enthused: "It's so cool. Almost all the cells in the body are still alive when death is pronounced. And if you're immediately cooled, you can be perfectly preserved. My life could be extended by hundreds and thousands of years."

Ms Hilton has evidently taken time out of late to ponder her own mortality, in the process revealing a hitherto unseen philosophical side. She recently announced: "Before, my life was about having fun, going to parties - it was a fantasy. But when I had time to reflect, I felt empty inside. I want to leave a mark on the world."

Accordingly, she's decided to go to Rwanda on a five-day humanitarian mission. Naturally, the whole thing will be filmed for a reality TV exposé, of which the blonde Mother Teresa said: "I love having everything documented. It shows people what everyday life is like for me, how hard I work. There are a lot of misconceptions about me." ®

Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile

More from The Register

next story
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
ePassport to Transnistria: NEXTIFYING the Nation State with BONG
Hey the Man, you can't geoblock distributed democracy
Red Bull does NOT give you wings, $13.5m lawsuit says so
Website letting consumers claim $10 cash back crashes after stampede
Trolls have DARK TETRAD of personality defects, say trickcyclists
Think psychopathy and BDSM dungeons, not desktops
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.