Feeds

Rise of the f*cking machines: Arse Elektronika bumps uglies with Web 2.0

Teledildonics to fill emptiness of modern geek-based life forms?

The Power of One Brief: Top reasons to choose HP BladeSystem

Partying with Moaning Lisa, the Electronic Orifice Orchestra and F*ckzilla

Strawberry shortcnt and Mr Fart Arse Electronika

Strawberry Shortc*nt and Mr Farts get down.

The conference kicked off with an unexpectedly sober party, webcast via jerry-rigged high definition feed.

Regrettably booze-free due to the lack of an alcohol permit, the event began with a demo of Moaning Lisa, a reconfigured mannequin equipped with sensors in the eyes and the erogoneous zones with the idea that men could get a feel for the mystery of just what it is that women want.

Maybe she should have been programmed by a woman. She intermittently squeezed out a few grunts and groans, and her hand eventually fell off - more Venus de Milo than Greek Girl.

The Electronic Orifice Orchestra took the stage next, showing off a performance the web abstract promoted in a tone that could best be described as retro-sideshow chic.

Witness as extravagantly dressed performers use live biofeedback from muscular interior walls of their bodies to create a multi-media interactive show. See body orifices do amazing things that you never imagined possible!

dildo volunteer Arse Electronika

Volunteerism can be rewarding.

Biofeedback, indeed. Wired up and ready to go, Strawberry Shortc*nt and Mr Farts made sweet music together, gyrating on stage.

Truthfully, it wasn't really music or particularly sweet, but it was a live example of biosensors being put to use in service of that postmodern obsession: mating man with machine. That theme - kind of like watching the plot of the novel V unfold in front of one's eyes - would prove to be a principal thrust of the conference.

Of course, what we were all waiting for was the climax of the evening - the f*cking machines. As in, machines that f*ck. None of this attach-biosensors-to-vagina-and-let-machine rip experimentation. This is cold hard robotic penetration.

Meet F*ckzilla.

dildo ready Arse Electronika

Face to - er - face with F*ckzilla.

F*ckzilla resembles nothing so much as the body of a praying mantis attached to tank-style treads. His left arm is a converted chainsaw, now equipped with rubbery pink tongues rather than a chain. The right arm ends in a massive red dildo - one so big that the woman who volunteered from the audience requested something smaller.

One of those involved with the production returned from the basement with a Sawzall - aka, F*ckzall - modified to accommodate a smaller blue dildo, which was then used for the penetration, while the spinning tongues provided clitoral support.

Due to federal pornography regulations, which would have required everyone in the room to provide identification on record, the actual frenzied climactic act of robo-coitus was performed in silhouette, behind a white sheet.

The smart choice: opportunity from uncertainty

More from The Register

next story
NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'
Spooks ask Dabbsy to suggest a nice hotel with pool
Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!
In space... no one can hear you're green...
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!
If you're reading this email, I am no longer alive
Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land
Bold, barmy Brit adventurer Nick Hancock escapes North Atlantic islet
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Application security programs and practises
Follow a few strategies and your organization can gain the full benefits of open source and the cloud without compromising the security of your applications.
How modern custom applications can spur business growth
Learn how to create, deploy and manage custom applications without consuming or expanding the need for scarce, expensive IT resources.
Securing Web Applications Made Simple and Scalable
Learn how automated security testing can provide a simple and scalable way to protect your web applications.