Comments Studious teens can now take a course in "alcohol awareness" and earn a certificate equivalent to half a GCSE. The exam appears not to include a practical section, instead focussing on the dangers of drinking to excess. Always willing to discuss alcohol, you bit right in:

Happy days. I actually moved from lager to mild (i.e. the reverse of the El Reg recommended progression), but that was only because it was the only pint still less than £1 in our local. And that was a lot of pocket money is those days.

My Dad told me mild was made from collecting the dregs from the drip trays and pouring it into a barrel. Which would have explained the taste and the flatness...

Marky W

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I learn't more in 35 minutes within the Frog & Tampon than I did in all my years of schooling!

Alex

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"[Excessive boozing can cause] impotence and impaired sexual enjoyment"

No problem. I get loads of email from people who can fix that.

Anonymous Vulture

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Marky W, your dad is incorrect in his humourous explanation of how mild is produced. Mild is the drink of kings; a proper drinkers drink, sitting proudly alongside Mr Bitter and Mr Stout. Mr Lager is the late to the table ne'er do well who talks too loudly and interrupts. He is only tolerated by the others as he is related in some way, though he's clearly not from around these parts.

Elsewhere in the pub, Mr and Mrs Wine are rolling around on the floor grappling with their teenage daughter, Alcopop, who is screaming and laughing while simultaneously trying to defecate into the spitoon. In the corner, the Spirits family look on, disgusted, before rolling out into the street and going home.

Smallbrainfield

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You forgot about the others* in the British pub!

Where's 'ol Mr. Cider, sitting in the corner mumbling in his west-country brogue into his jug, with his sheepdog, Bess?

And what about Chantelle Liquer, the well known tart, at her own by the bar offering varied salacious pleasures to those of an ethically challenged nature?

Not to mention the Mixwer's, with their annoying yet overly-sweet little ADHD demons, the twins Coke & Pepsi (betchya can't tell 'em apart)?

Shame on you for neglecting to mention these bastions of our society's alcoholism problem.

*I of course no longer include Mr Cancer, who along with his wife and kids are now thankfully barred for smoking. Good riddance to 'em as well.

Math Campbell

And just in case you need a bit of extra brainpower to pass the exam, boozing Kiwi boffins have proven that the equivalent of a couple of pints a day makes you smarter. We at Vulture Central all now cite this study whenever anyone is dithering over having one last pint before leaving. That or hold them down and force it between their lips.

Cliff's theory of the survival of the fittest brain cells now seems to be proven. The theory ran that alcohol kills brain cells, but of course it kills off the weak and unhealthy brain cells first (much as happens with grazing animals on the plains of Africa). This leaves just the fit, healthy and active brain cells left to run all your systems. Obviously the overconsumption of alcohol kills off more than just the weak cells and so gets the good ones which you need. This is also born out by this new study.

Tim Greenwood

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Alcohol under all its forms is continuously being proven to remedy many ailments. Cholesterol, heart conditions, and now, stupidity. Could it be that the Fountain of Youth is actually at the bottom of my bottle of Vodka ?

I'll let you know when I get there.

Pascal Monett

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1. I want a job where I can electrocute drunk rats.

2. Research now has to be done to find out if Real Ale is better for your brain power than Cider.

3. If this is the case then I should have a IQ of about 200

Robert McCracken

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I'm just waiting for experiments that prove that alcohol makes me much funnier and attractive to the opposite sex.

Matt Eagles

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Matt,

That's already been scientifically proved. It's just that the members of the opposite sex have to drink the alcohol, rather than you.

Martin Benson

Intrepid plods responded to a chemical terror alert by sealing off three central London streets before neutralising the threat: 9lbs of burnt chillis. A perfect opportunity for sniggering and endless puns:

chill(i)ing news regarding the state of the nation's terror police. I bet they are feeling pretty warm under the collar right now though. Did they check ownership of the chillis? Were they "hot"?

IGMC

Anonymous Vulture

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Should have used pepper spray.

Chris Taylor

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I thought the police only went in for Casserole.

.......you know:

Irish Stew in the name of the Law.

Coat

Leaving

Fluffykins

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As a former professional cook I can tell you we got carried away once in a while with how much we made your Thai chef here seems to have been making an enormous batch of this stuff 9lbs is a lot of chilies they are hollow inside so they don't weigh that much per pepper more than likely he was trying to get ahead in his prep and it apparently turned out a bit disruptive. Don't sell the cooking odors short when it comes to chilies it can incapacitate a person with asthma and clear a dining room if you have enough cooking at once.

Alan Donaly

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You brits are way too nice. If it was Jack Bauer, he would have found the guy, shot his knee cap off, made him talk by jamming 8 lbs of the "chilli" down his throat. And by the time the local flatfoot shows up, Jack would be off in a black ops helicopter to Thailand for the source of the weapon.... KC

Anonymous Vulture

A Russian teenager survived a two-hour flight to Moscow in the wheel well of a Boeing 737, braving temperatures of -50°C. It wasn't the most sensible thing to do, and he's lucky to be alive, but this could be the next great money-saver for cheap airlines:

Coming soon to a RyanAir Jet near you - new 'low cost' in the wing seating. Warning, frostbite is a chargeable extra.

Nick

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The landing gear hydraulics would surely have had enough pressure to mash the poor kid when they folded up after takeoff. It's amazing he managed to avoid that as well.

Geoff

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"and the landing gear lowering at 1,500 feet often does the trick"

Yup. I used to live in Kew in West London, directly under the flight path to Heathrow just about at the point where the landing gear is lowered. The car park of the local DIY superstore and also Kew Gardens itself both experienced falling corpses in the few years I lived there. I think the local police were getting quite used to it.

Anonymous Vulture

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With space in a wheel bay being at an absolute premium I don't understand how this kiddie managed to avoid the two-wheeled undercarriage as it retracted after take-off. I've worked on these things in the past and can only think he had a really uncomfortable, noisy, cold, smelly ride for the whole 2 hours.

He wouldn't have been any warmer sitting in an engine intake, bearing in mind that even though the engine itself is extremely hot, the air speed into the intake would give a nice wind-chill factor. At least if he got sucked into the engine on landing his body parts would be saved thanks to the thrust reverser (http://www.cruisinaltitude.com/images/b737/atb732lrtrakl.jpg).

Chris Barrett

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Beats going through security!

Hugh Cowan

Two US men are locked in battle over a severed leg. One, describing the leg as "plum nasty", wants to charge people for looking at it, while the other claims a personal attachment to the limb. But enough summarising. We all know that the point of including 'missing limb' articles on the Reg is for you lot to make terrible puns:

Endless mileage for bad jokes with this one.

He hopes to form a partnership with Wood and leg.

Somebody is going to have to stump up some readies.

This case doesn't have a leg to stand on.

There's three to be going on with. ;)

Les Matthew

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Surely mr Whisnant was in posession of 3 human feet when he called 911 with "I got a human foot.".

Unless either:

A) He's got both his own feet missing.

B) He's not human.

Just an observation....

Voice of reason

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Come visit Joe's House, where I've got all sorts of empty things for you to look inside! You never know - one of these empty things may have had something inside it, who can tell?

Here's the latest price list...

* Cardboard box (once contained a vacuum cleaner) - £2 ($1)

* Garage (there's an old stool, some leaves, otherwise empty) - £5 ($2.50)

* Loft (may have spiders, ladder not provided) - £10 ($5)

*** SPECIAL HALLOWEEN OFFER ***

Look inside the garage and the loft in the same day (total cost £15 ($7.50), and see inside the box COMPLETELY FREE! That's a saving of £2 ($1)!!!!!!!!!!!@^%@!!!

Joe

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Pull the other one. Or not, as it isn't attached.

Wood is just trying to get a foot in the door on the money making scheme.

I'll get my coat and crutches.

Mark Roome

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I can see the IT angle, but if its going to cost an ARM and a leg, who's going to foot the bill?

Coat on, taxi on standby

Alistair

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And the next article in the RSS feed? About ARM...

Anonymous Vulture

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