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British teens offered boozing qualification

Multiple choice - beer, wine AND spirits

The smart choice: opportunity from uncertainty

British parents can stop worrying about their offspring being out-of-control boozepups. The education system is stepping in and teaching them how to get bladdered the socially-responsible way.

Snakebite-addled teens can now try out for an "alcohol awareness certificate", The Times reports. The drinky diploma has been developed by the British Institute of Innkeeping and is accredited by the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority.

And if getting a certificate for learning about getting wasted wasn’t joy enough, the “qualification” will be worth half a GCSE, the paper reports, or more accurately an NVQ Level 1. All for a paltry ten hours of study, which is less time than most pub happy hours last these days.

Sadly, the course seems heavier on theory than the vital practical skills. Candidates will be warned that binge drinking – which is, let's face it, an activity at which teens excel – can result in “poisoning or choking on vomit”. Which they’d know of course if they asked their grandparents about Jimi Hendrix.

Kids will also be taught that excessive boozing could make them fat, and result in impotence and impaired sexual enjoyment. Obviously 15-year-olds shouldn’t be having sex, but then again, they shouldn’t be drinking either.

Inevitably, the course will be slammed as just another example of dumbing down. After all, back in our day it took much more than ten hours' study to earn a boozing qualification. We demand a proper boozers' apprenticeship scheme, with a steady progression from shandy, to cider, to mild, to lager, to spirits, before a rigorous exam involving a ten pint session in the Vulture and Feathers before a celebratory prawn biryani flushed down with another five pints and a glass of Babycham. (Marks to be deducted for the production of pavement pizza.) ®

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