Don't talk about Reg Club!

1) Thou shalt not impose rules on other members.

2) See above.

Thou shalt get thy coat.

All your comment are belong to us.

Never enter an arse-kicking contest with a porcupine.

This is an English Reg for English people.

/flame

Paris Hilton's bulgarian airbags get more traffic to the site than IT angles.

surely the first rule must be "you do not talk about Reg Club", or perhaps "you do not blog about Reg Club".

... I'd love to tell you, but the first rule of Reg Club is never to talk about Reg Club.

...you never, ever, talk about Reg Club!

Thou shalt not ask for an IT angle

mention religion - specifically creation vs. evolution. Sex and politics is fine though.

The First Rule of Reg Club is that you do not talk about the first rule of Reg Club to lamer n00bs.

or

The First Rule of Reg Club is that thou shalt always complain about the lack of an 'IT angle' irrespective of the story.

Thou shalt not use those expressions invented by insane PR and Advertising persons to promote their new "trendy" product in any post to El Reg.Examples include Lappy, mobe and many others...

Thou shalt use the correct Reg units in all communications related to El Reg.

You've broken it..now move along...nothing to talk about here..

If you post a comment asking what the IT angle is, without being literate enough for us to recognise it as being sarcasm, you shall be exiled to Rockall for a month. With only copies of Hello magazine for company. And they all feature Paris Hilton. With her clothes on.

Meh!

Criticise the US at any opportunity :)

Tsk, surely you don't talk about Reg Club...

So don't complain about the technology angle....

don't complain that the body isn't either. You read what you clicked on.

Thou shalt not ask "What's the IT angle" and not expect a bitch slap.

Take the piss out of Mac users, and retain your cloakroom ticket at all times.

Quote: "The Register frequently uses sarcasm in its articles and often provides an iconoclastic stance (e.g. referring to Google as the worlds largest text-ad broker). Much of the reporting is of a style more commonly found in British tabloid newspapers than in more serious news publications. " (from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_register - accessed 28/09/2007 11:30AM) ;-)

1) Don't turn everything into a Apple -v- Wintel flame war of epic proportions!

check the authour's background before questioning his authority on a subject.

....always have your coat handy and a taxi on speed dial

Surely has to be: You don't talk about Reg Club,

That'll be it then...

just posting a URL to the relevant Wikipedia article instead?

Oh wait, you don't do HTML tagging in the comments.

Sorry I can't talk about that.

Thou shalt not ask which is the relevance with the IT

The First Rule of Reg Club is BOFH is GOD!

... irritatingly point out the lack of an "IT angle" within any 'Odds & Sods' story.

GI

you don't talk about the IT angle in comments on a Lester Haines story.

Thou shalt never question the link to IT that any given article has.

is to be not geeky enough to admit to being in Reg club...

Ok, I'll get my coat

;-)

Reg Club rules you!

IGMC

What's the IT angle people?

Rule number 1 - there are no rules!

Rule number 2 - no outside food...

the First rule of Reg Club is

you DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE BOFH

Web 2.0 is NOT the solution to every problem, even if your name IS Tim Web2.O'Reilly.

...bung in a quote from Graham Cluely!

ASDA fining people 60 quid for parking in the family parking bays, is fraud. There's no contract formed by the marks on their car park, and so claiming there is for the purpose of obtaining money is fraud.

They have only one sanction shops have against people who park badly, and that's not to serve them till they move their car. Instead they try to make money from it.

Oh, and the first rule of elReg club is you don't set the topics, the PR companies don't set the topics, the elReg readers set the topics.

...unless you are amanfromMars, or relish waking up the next day to a hangover and a flame war about what you said about Steve Jobs / Bill Gates / next door's goat...

iCommandment #1: Thou shalt not defend that which is shiny and overpriced merely because you feel that failure to do so might lead to buyer's remorse and consequent expulsion from the choir of iSeraphim angels which, verily, do praise Steve Jobs.

or, in the interests of fairness:

iCommandment #2: Thou shalt not extract the Michael from Apple fans, if only because skewering the easy target demonstrates low levels of wit and skill.

On the other hand, iCommandment #2 was made to be broken...

Seriously, what is the IT angle here? The standard of reporting here has really gone to the dogs since I were a lad.

well where is it on this story?

sorry couldn't resist :)

my quite sensible rule, make all comments humorous or informative

...have an IT angle

...fail to refer to Paris Hilton

...create harmony between fanboys and apologistas

...Leave your high horse at the door (hitching post is next to the taxi rank)

Thou shalt claim everything is a Neo-con conspiracy and challenge other to prove it isn't.

Thou shall respect Chuck Norris or else expect a beating of epic proportions.

Although its perefectly exceptible to ridicule his religious beliefs.

... no posting if you’re not that bright.

Remember, most people on here are at least Degree educated (or of equivalent intelligence). I like to think of it as a kind of Fight Club meets Mensa (But with a better stocked bar)

The second rule, dont post Anon, unless trolling.

No smoking.

Flaming is okay.

We can be Sycophants if want to be. It's our publication and we'll do what we want.

Thou shalt not oversee the selfrevealing entertainment gained from a rant or flame.

Always refer to the Vulture Central Standards for measurements within an article comment.

And where is the Paris Hilton angle here?

no-one is to use Metric velocity measurements.... the preferred measure for speed is Furlongs per fortnight (Ff).

I can't believe that this story has no IT angle... it's about rules and processes, where is the hardware? where's the software? Aaah...MY EYES!

---thou shalt not ask what "the IT angle" of a story may be.---

if you do, you will get flamed, and rightly so. if you fear diversions, perhaps you should go read a technical manual - they're good at staying on message.

Sorry, Calum, I just can't take you seriously!

The First Rule of Reg Club is BOFH is GOD!

Second that motion....

2nd Rule

Wikipedia is a Demi-God

Cuddles

Thou shalt head straight to the comments and only return to read the article after thoroughly peeing thineself at the comments first.

Second rule:

Thou shalt spend 25 hours a day at El Reg, except on Fridays when thou shalt lay in the gutter whilst El Reg hacks step over your geeky body on the way to the nearest Inn.

Do not take life so bloody seriously!

refer to "frickin' laser beams" whenever lasers are mentioned in an article.

Think a knowledge of ASP gives you some sort of greater understanding of meteorology/climatology or any other ology you can shake a stick at.

</coat> </taxi>

Always post anonymously, then you will not get your manager ringing you about the mud slinging comment you last posted.

- Thou shalt not moan that the story reads like a blog post, or that it is full of jokes, especially if the story is about Jack Thompson and hardcore gay porn, or if it involves a person who looks as if he has been fisted by a gorilla. The Register has a sense of humour; it is not The Guardian.

- Thou shalt not make a reference to "Fight Club" or "The Untouchables"; that has been done. Instead, make references to "Overdrawn at the Memory Bank" or "The Beast of Yucca Flats".

- Thous shalt not complain about American spelling of words such as "colour" or "Americanised", and do not complain when the article describes Britain as being "abroad". The majority of The Register's readers are American; several of the site's writers are American; American English is the future of formal written English.

.....Dont upset the BOFH!

You have been warned!

.....is tattooed across the carbon-carbon reinforced perineum of Chuck Norris. Dare you try and read it?

it must be of an inflammatory nature or so full of errors and misconceptions that it cannot be mistaken for something any sane person would actual be capable of typing/believing.

Or all of the above.

burn the wiki-man

(1) You must not talk about Reg Club

(2) You must not talk about Reg Club

(3) You must not, under any circumstances, ask what the IT angle is.

(4) The Reg is mother, The Reg is father, The Reg is your friend. Trust The Reg.

(5) You must point out spelling, grammer, calculator gaffes and other faux pas. Try not be overly smug.

(6) You must refer to anatomical features by anything other than established jargon or slang.

(7) You must not expect sympathy when, as a Windows/Explorer/Word/Excel luser, you get a virus/Trojan/worm/lose all your data/computer explodes.

(8) You are positively encouraged to indulge in bigging up Linux but please keep it brief. You're preaching to the choir.

(9) Sarcasm must not be delimited by <sarcasm> tags lest we be deprived of the frantic replies of the humour challenged among us.

all the same...

..the story is about Microsoft, thou shalt always mention Apple.

If the story is about Apple, thou shalt alway mention Microsoft.

If the story is about Xbox 360 thou shalt alway mention Playstation 3.

If the story is about Playstation 3 thou shalt always mention Xbox 360.

If there's an obvious comment to make, thou shalt always make it.

If thou maketh a comment, someone else shalt have always maketh it 5 minutes before thou.

is...

The is no club reg. We deny all existance of club reg.

To read all the other postings first to see if someone else has already made exactly the same comment you were about to make.

Reg Club rules YOU!

Thou shalt always expect others to know better than thou. And to spew forth in no uncertain terms.

Probably well down the rule list, but:

Thou shalt not mention OS/2 without quietly sniggering.

Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

Any article must have some form of link to IT - no matter if it does appear to be grasping at carbon nano-tube straws.

Second rule -- any mention of 'Paris' or 'Hilton' (whether city, plaster of, hotel chain or not) negates the first rule.

Rule 1: No poofters!

Ok so maybe I'm showing my age here.

;-)

.....To be played by Lester Haines....

.... defeat means that you lose something, not loose something.

And no, speaking French isn't an excuse [although it probably does explain the defeat]

... remind everyone about NoScript again.

We already know about it!

..... membership costs £10 or $100 or €600 (€6000 euros if you're French)

bout time we Brits got on the right side of a pricing deal.

Is that you keep on using a joke even when it's well past its Sell By Date...

Thou shalt not make car analogies!!!

Compare Anthony DiMeo's Expression to that of someone who has had the misfortune to hide a banana up his keester at the zoo.

Any chance of an instant post feature (you could whittle out the offensive ones later)...

Rule #1, NO POOFTERS!

(not that im homophobic or anything... but c'mon, no python quotes? wtf is up with that)

If thou art bellow your quota for stories this week, thou shoulest post a peice of fluff with no actual story, and let the enflamed comments do your work for you.

* Thou shalt use only English variations of words, e.g. 'colour'.

* Thou shalt use skip anything by amANfROMmARs when reading the comments.

* Thou shalt demonstrate thy epeen whenever an article mentions an archaic computing system, and reminisce about how much better the Vax/Spectrum/valve-operated-systems were compared with present day tech.

* Thou shalt use El Reg measurements.

* Thou shalt hate all Apple products.

* Thou shalt love all Apple products.

* Thou shalt feed the trolls.

To read all the other postings first to see if someone else has already made exactly the same comment you were about to make.

Just format the link correctly on a line by itself, e.g.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/

Then anyone can just drag over it, right-click and "open http://www.theregister.co.uk/" will appear on the context menu. (Well, it does in Konqueror, anyway. If you're using a less-capable, more-bloated browser, that's your problem innit?)

Thou shalt not mention the iPhone without a comment about how Apple don't like you and never invite you to their parties (*sob*).

Actually, how about just "Thou shalt not mention the iPhone"?

...engage in the debasement of our society through the utterance of the words "First post", particularly if followed by an un-necessary magnitude of exclamation marks and misplaced numerics.

... maintain constant vigilance against the coming Machine War, surely?

Thout shalt have the patience of a saint after you get the "Thank you for your Comments, we will moderate them as soon as we can..." page. They'll get there. No, Really!

We all know there are quality moderators paying FU*K very close SH*T attention to BOL***KS the fitness and suitability for publication of your post. Then letting it thru anyway.

And what's wrong with AManFromMars' comments exactly!? I thought they were extremely entertaining, well maybe only those that didn't make the voices come out from the darkest depths of my mind and urge me towards hurting myself. ;-)

All! stories! that! have! Yahoo! in! the! title! must! have! an! exclamation! point! after! every! word! of! the! title!

Rule #26. Do not try to make sense of comments posted by amanfromMars. amanfromMars is not a real person. It is simply a highly evolved spam engine, spouting semi-mystic buzz-word laden randomness. Remember the Spam Poetry anyone?

I like that rule.

Hey you, you're not me, don't these names have to be unique ?

The first rule of Reg Club is :

There can be only one Steve!

"not that im homophobic or anything..."

my cousin is a gay!

"(5) You must point out spelling, grammer, calculator gaffes and other faux pas. Try not be overly smug."

...It's "GRAMMAR", you peasant!

Oops...lost me ticket..the wax jacket, it's pissing down, ta.

Use the word "boffin" in all articles alluding to invention.

...is that you will treat Reg writers and Reg Club posters as valid human beings with feelings and whose opinions deserve to be respected as such.

Ah fuck that, you're all bunch of losers! :p~

I'll get my coat...

Articles/comments must not match the headlines/titles. That goes double for anything from amanfrommars

Don't ever try to find the hidden meaning in a posting from amanfromMars - many a good man has lost his mind attempting to discern the meaning of life from his indecipherable ramblings...

The BOFH stories do NOT need to be commented on.

.......

Rule 5. Thou shalt mention sheep in a sexual context whenever the words "Wales" or "NZ" appear in the FA.

Rule 6. Thou shalt flame any spendthrift who praises his iMac, iPod, iPhone, iSpend or any other Apple product.

Rule 7; Thou shalt laugh like a drain when reading Verity Stobbs.

Rule 8. Thou shalt not use words such as Breasts or Penis instead thou shalt use Funbags, front bollocks, Double Ds , willy, todger, pork sword etc.

Rule 9. Thou shalt pretend the terms Shirt Lifter, Limp Wrister, Poofter are not homophobic in the context El Reg.

Rule 10. Thou shalt not ever, and I mean NEVER, say anything nice about the USA.

...........................

public string theReg ( int day )

{

string iWasteMyDay;

if ( day == 5 )

{

iWasteMyDay = 'reg, bofh, work, reg, pints';

}

else

{

iWasteMyDay = 'reg, work, reg, pints';

}

return iWasteMyDay;

}

Rule 1: Cash only

Reading of the rules will result in immediate expulsion.

"The Register has a sense of humour; it is not The Guardian."

What ? The Guardian has no sense of humour ? You mean those people are SERIOUS ?!?!

Rule 3489:

Thout shalt not construct 'amusing' C source code in their postings, I mean there's geeky (like me) and then theres GEEKY eh skyler!? Heres the crux - its not actually funny even to other geeks!

Rule 1: Never act incautiously when confronting a small, bald, wrinkly, smiling old man!

@Sam

>>"(5) You must point out spelling, grammer, calculator gaffes and other faux pas. Try not be overly smug."

>"...It's "GRAMMAR", you peasant!"

Oh, the irony.

(10) Do not ever forget this: your computer hates you. Features such as, say, the spell checker, will bite you back at a moment precisely calculated to be the most inconvenient and embarrassing.

(11) You must blame the computer for suboptimal processing of data in the vain hope of diverting attention away from one's failings.

"Obey all the rules."

That could do with reading as "rule no-one".

Otherwise, seeing as I'd be an all-powerful despotic deity, I'm not talking about it...

<bald, smiling old geezer etc. />

...make sexual innuendos regarding mentally retarded dwarves

its not big and its not clever !!

</duck></coat></run> lol

Lu-Tze vs the BOFH ...

...Dammn id PAY to see that !!!!

:o)

Well typed, Stu. Sorry you couldn't get the 'd' on the end of your name; only some are blessed. I am sure there are other things at which you excel. See, Stu, that's funny (but i am sure you have heard that).

We got no stinkin' rules here. Go away!

Thou shalt not . . Doh!

Homer Simpson

There is only one rule. Worship at the Altar of The Lester.

More moderation please, these comments are boring.

We don't need no STEEENKing rules!

(And damn you, Tom, for beating me to the punchline!)

be an equal opportunity offender.

My boyfriend is a gay...

I'll get me cardi'

These colours don't run.

I'm just putting this coat on over the coat I was already wearing.

Accept that El Reg long ago became an international publication, and complaining about local spelling variations in the comments section are about as useful as spitting into the wind. We'll ignore you. That is, when we aren't laughing at your pettiness.

-daniel

On Fridays the first thing you look for is the BOFH.

You *must* read the article you comment on.

You *should* read the comments too before posting. Unless it's written in the same manner as spam subject lines or stream-of-consciousness translation programs.

The comments form actually has a spell checker built into it, at least with Firefox. There is *never* an excuse for misspellings. Really there's no excuse for I.E. either...

OK, that's my contribution. Cheers All!

Oh, and thanks Lester, I'm sure that AmanFroMmars (or however you capitalize that) has been simply *itching* to be mentioned "officially" somewhere... maybe he's reached his goal and will now begin to write normally...

The first rule: IT isn't like a natural disaster; it isn't a tragedy, so you don't have to pretend to take it seriously when reporting.

The second rule: Don't feed the trolls. The articles are trolls, designed to generate comments. Don't feed the trolls. Frequent trolls include;

sarcasm

cute names (I actually rather like 'em) Lappy, mobe, bulgarian airbags, etc.

articles that are outrageously funny but have no IT angle. Actually, isn't it true that being funny *is* the IT angle? Anyone who works in IT and doesn't laugh easily is headed for a padded cell. Seeing extreme stupidity in the world at large can be rather reassuring at the end of a long day of clueless users, braindead vendors, and stuff that just won't work.

The third rule: Don't feed the trolls. The comments are trolls, designed to generate contrary opinions in the comments. Don't feed the trolls. Frequent trolls include;

anything negative about Americans

anything about Windows vs Mac vs Linux

anything about Microsoft vs EU, Google, US, world, etc.

people who take themselves or their jobs way too seriously

re: A man from Mars not being publicly mentioned...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/08/14/vmware_ipo/

Your research-fu sucks.

Drawers

(Failing that, bite the hand that feeds IT).

Don't use to to mean too or two ... it's too slashdot.

Always always use the "Preview Comment" button, it really helps yuo avoid pesky typos.

Ah! Thank you. Can I add this to my RFC?

Always do your research-fu!

I know I'll be keeping a closer eye out now...

Proposed Rule:

Thou shalt not type a "Title" line for your comment*

*Exception -- if "Title" is a relevant title to your comment, you MUST replace it with something completely irrelevant.

Park your brain next to your mouse - don't read the article and start typing a bunch of frickin' garbage

Second Rule is to annoy the locals by posting from the US ......

Example: "i dont think that some one should have to text there personal details, in case the company looses them"

If people are posting from abroad; cool. If it's just a hapless UK fool who's wandered onto El Reg and decided to post some malformed English, stuff 'em :)

Even if the comment you are posting is serious don't take it too seriously, it can seriously damage your health (mental) including your teeth/dentistry to take yourself too seriously. If you are seriously serious about the seriousness of your comment, post it on a serious blog not on El Reg which is seriously tongue in cheek most of the time and should be, seriously!

...surely that whatever is written in the article or posted in the comments, that YOU are always right and that everyone else is talking out of their arses (note proper spelling) otherwise why are you posting.

Sean - You're right, there is no excuse for i.e. There are other browsers out there people - use them. (damn, the second rule is that rules are made to be broken)

James - Apart from the fact it is a long way away, there is nothing nice to say about the USA

Rule number Zero (of 'nought' or 'nill' or whatever equals '0')?

Never give a journalist an even break.

... coat rack? Someone swiped it as soon as they saw me.

Oh well.

Thou shalt remember any Ass mentioned in TheReg is Ass with a period.

Thou shalt remember the immortal phrase "Pay no attention to that rootkit on your CD's".

Thou shalt also remember to click your heel three times, reciting "There's no OS but *IX, there's no OS but *IX".

Thou shalt always remember that the IT angle is you're using a computer to read it (pat pending).

Thous shalt always take every opportunity to remind people that "fanboys" is inaccurate, and even us girls agree Micro$queak sucks.

Addendum to previous rule: No, thou can't demand pictoral proof of the claimed female status of a poster pointing out that "fanboys" is inaccurate because girls too agree Micro$queak sucks just because you've never seen a female.

Thou shalt remember that the truth is always less interesting than the facts.

Users are the problem to every solution! Down with government, let anarchy rule, I'm just a part time electician, baby! You got nothing on me!

"The first rule about Reg Club is you do not talk about Reg Club. The second rule about Reg Club is YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT..... Oh wait, I got that wrong. The second rule about Reg Club is NO SMOKING"

"Why not?"

"Sssh! We're not supposed to talk about it!"

The first rule is: Never get involved in a land war in Asia.

The slightly less well known second rule is this: NEVER GO IN AGAINST A SCICILLIAN WHEN DEATH IS ON THE LINE!

Often have obscure quotes and references to Terry Pratchett, Douglas Adams, Larry Niven or any other sci-fi/fantasy author or movie because or course all IT people have read or are busy reading them.

All humorous comments are to be clearly labeled and colour-coded in accordance with the proclamations of the Vulture Central Humour Comprehensibility Committee. Of course the comments form will need some of those nice buttons for making the words look different.

What Would Tyler Durdan Do?

Probably Paris Hilton......

Another Rule of RegClub - Anytime the word "boffin" is used in an article alluding to invention, the word "boffinry" must be used to describe the activity that leads to the said invention.

And posts should not be submitted twice because you are impatient with the page refresh!

What Would Tyler Durdan Do?

Probably Paris Hilton......

Another Rule of RegClub - Anytime the word "boffin" is used in an article alluding to invention, the word "boffinry" must be used to describe the activity that leads to the said invention.

And posts should not be submitted twice because you are impatient with the page refresh!

...El Reg Towers contains no credit card servers

... no poofters.

So your name's not Bruce then?

The first rule has to be... "ah, but I'm not allowed to tell you"

the other 41 have something to do with mice.

"I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

First rule: All club members must resign to be members!

Thy shall be beyond any publication where a pretty or prettish smilely woman promtes or educates IT in any form...

Rule 1. Never Talk about the Reg.

Rule 2. Be cruel to Americans... specially ones from Redmond

RESOLVED:

1. That commenters shall not allow keyboard drool into the text of their commentary;

2. That commenters shall grok the fullness of earlier comments, lest they inadvertently commit a "me tOO!"

Thank you and good day.