Feeds

Chuck Norris to do battle in El Reg Arena of Death

And his opponent?

Build a business case: developing custom apps

It's official: embearded death machine Chuck Norris - legendarily described as "the meanest whup-ass mutha west of the Mississippi" - will shortly enter the blood-spattered ring of Vulture Central's Arena of Death to challenge for the "Hardest Man in on the Planet - Ever!" title; 15 rounds of senseless violence in which no quarter is asked, nor given, and those who ultimately fail to come up to scratch are consigned to the crumpled bodybag of history.

Norris finally secured 32 per cent of the reader vote, with a roundhouse-kicking 2856 Disciples of Chuck registering their support. He will, let history record, be squaring up to the Shaolin Temple kung fu monks who secured 18 per cent, or 1616 votes.

Our artist's impression of how Chuck Norris versus kung fu monk might look

Third up was battling Streatham clotheshorse Naomi Campbell on a creditable 11 per cent (930). This performance prompted us to give her a call to see if she'd like to tag with the kung fu monks, but she simply told us to "Fuck off and respect my privacy".

Well, we think it was Ms Campbell, but it may have been an assistant who has not yet succumbed to her legendary diamond-encrusted PDA ninja assault workouts.

Either way, it's a bit of a shame, because we quite fancied the idea of the world's Supermodel of Color™ giving Norris a shock lesson in how they deliver a Blackberry beating down the rough end of Saarf London.

Back in the Arena of Death, meanwhile, our money's on the kung fu monks on a points decision after the full 12. Let the games begin. ®

Boost IT visibility and business value

More from The Register

next story
Thirteen Astonishing True Facts You Never Knew About SCREWS
Threaderick the Great! And YES, we asked the Arapaho
NSA man: 'Tell me about your Turkish connections'
Spooks ask Dabbsy to suggest a nice hotel with pool
Russia sends SEX-CRAZED GECKOS to SPAAAAACE!
In space... no one can hear you're green...
Indian techies-in-training face down MAN-EATING LEOPARD - and WIN
Big cat causes big trouble at Mumbai college
Too rich for an iPhone 6? How about a gold-plated Brikk?
Not lobbed at your head, silly – a bling phone
Carlos: Slim your working week to just three days of toil
'Midas World' vision suggests you retire later, watch more tellie and buy more stuff
Yahoo! Japan! launches! service! for! the! dead!
If you're reading this email, I am no longer alive
Plucky Rockall podule man back on (proper) dry land
Bold, barmy Brit adventurer Nick Hancock escapes North Atlantic islet
Motorist 'thought car had caught fire' as Adele track came on stereo
'FIRE' caption on dashboard prompts dunderheaded hard shoulder halt
prev story

Whitepapers

Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Boost IT visibility and business value
How building a great service catalog relieves pressure points and demonstrates the value of IT service management.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
The Essential Guide to IT Transformation
ServiceNow discusses three IT transformations that can help CIO's automate IT services to transform IT and the enterprise.
Maximize storage efficiency across the enterprise
The HP StoreOnce backup solution offers highly flexible, centrally managed, and highly efficient data protection for any enterprise.