Feeds

Chuck Norris to do battle in El Reg Arena of Death

And his opponent?

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

It's official: embearded death machine Chuck Norris - legendarily described as "the meanest whup-ass mutha west of the Mississippi" - will shortly enter the blood-spattered ring of Vulture Central's Arena of Death to challenge for the "Hardest Man in on the Planet - Ever!" title; 15 rounds of senseless violence in which no quarter is asked, nor given, and those who ultimately fail to come up to scratch are consigned to the crumpled bodybag of history.

Norris finally secured 32 per cent of the reader vote, with a roundhouse-kicking 2856 Disciples of Chuck registering their support. He will, let history record, be squaring up to the Shaolin Temple kung fu monks who secured 18 per cent, or 1616 votes.

Our artist's impression of how Chuck Norris versus kung fu monk might look

Third up was battling Streatham clotheshorse Naomi Campbell on a creditable 11 per cent (930). This performance prompted us to give her a call to see if she'd like to tag with the kung fu monks, but she simply told us to "Fuck off and respect my privacy".

Well, we think it was Ms Campbell, but it may have been an assistant who has not yet succumbed to her legendary diamond-encrusted PDA ninja assault workouts.

Either way, it's a bit of a shame, because we quite fancied the idea of the world's Supermodel of Color™ giving Norris a shock lesson in how they deliver a Blackberry beating down the rough end of Saarf London.

Back in the Arena of Death, meanwhile, our money's on the kung fu monks on a points decision after the full 12. Let the games begin. ®

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Facebook's Zuckerberg in EBOLA VIRUS FIGHT: Billionaire battles bug
US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention contacted as site supremo coughs up
Space exploration is just so lame. NEW APPS are mankind's future
We feel obliged to point out the headline statement is total, utter cobblers
FedEx helps deliver THOUSANDS of spam messages DIRECT to its Blighty customers
Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on
Down-under record: Australian gets $140k for pussy
'Tiffany' closes deal - 'it's more common to offer your wife', says agent
Internet finally ready to replace answering machine cassette tape
It's a simple message and I'm leaving out the whistles and bells
The iPAD launch BEFORE it happened: SPECULATIVE GUFF ahead of actual event
Nerve-shattering run-up to the pre-planned known event
Win a year’s supply of chocolate (no tech knowledge required)
Over £200 worth of the good stuff up for grabs
STONER SHEEP get the MUNCHIES after feasting on £4k worth of cannabis plants
Baaaaaa! Fanny's Farm's woolly flock is high, maaaaaan
Boffins who stare at goats: I do believe they’re SHRINKING
Alpine chamois being squashed by global warming
Swiss wildlife park serves up furry residents to visitors
'It's ecological' says spokesman, now how would you like your Bambi done?
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.