The UK office: hotbed of net smut addiction
'Wacking' menaces British economy
Any bosses among you who are wondering why your male employees' productivity has declined of late are directed to a highly suspect survey by moneysupermarket.com, which claims they're probably ogling some quality internet pornography rather than knuckling down to that mission-critical PowerPoint presentation.
According to The Sun, the study demonstrated that "eight percent of people who view adult content online do so at work", while of those who do indulge in "wacking", 43 percent are at it on average twice a day.
So far so plausible-ish. However, the report continues that 20 per cent of chaps "admit to being aroused from a download, compared to just two per cent of women". Quite what these ne'er-do-wells are downloading, rather than simply having a quick shufti at a virtual fleshfest, is not forthcoming.
Moneysupermarket.com's Jason Lloyd offered: "Our research reveals people's appetite for downloading and viewing content online has grown and is now an everyday occurrence. I was shocked to see so many people are taking risks by viewing and downloading adult content at work."
Regarding downloading specifically, the survey also showed that "over half the population (55 per cent)" spent an "average 172 hours" of their spare time extracting stuff from the net. How much time the eight per cent who wack at work spend downloading at their employer's expense is not noted, but the leisure stats exceed the "78 hours men spend playing or watching football or the 194 hours a year women spend shopping".
In the downloading rankings, music is the most popular, with "69 per cent of people having downloaded at least one tune", followed by software (60 per cent) and games (37 per cent). Again, quite what percentage of your workforce is currently aroused having spent the entire morning downloading OpenOffice is unavailable, but the overall figures suggest a serious threat to the British economy at the hands of foreign companies whose workers, as we all know, have never even heard the word MILF, let alone enjoyed a quick .wmv of 46-year-old Amy from Florida entertaining the plumber.
Accordingly, Lloyd advised: "There are numerous safeguards employers can put in place, but I would recommend simply looking at productivity levels, especially amongst the male workforce." ®
A quick straw poll among a boisterous young crowd of office workers at Vulture Central's local boozer this lunchtime revealed that a staggering 98 per cent spent more than 30 hours last week viewing internet pornography, but that not one of them found the experience remotely arousing. It was only after a few more liveners that they admitted they worked for something called milfapocalypse.com.