Staff at the Royal Infirmary of Edinburgh battled for an hour to disconnect the penis of Captain Dan The Demon Dwarf from a hoover after the diminutive Fringe performer inadvertantly superglued it to the vacuum cleaner's "attachment".

According to the Evening Standard, the hoover forms part of Captain Dan's Circus Of Horrors act, in which he inexplicably pulls the device across the stage with his todger. On this occasion, however, "the attachment came loose before a performance so he tried to glue it back on".

The 42-year-old misread the superglue instructions and, having allowed the adhesive a mere 20 seconds to dry rather than the required 20 minutes, duly found himself semi-permanently docked after attempting a premature test.

Of his hospital ordeal, a shaken Captain Dan recounted: "It was the most embarrassing moment of my life. When I got wheeled into a packed A&E on a wheelchair with a hoover attached to my willie, I just wished the ground could swallow me up." ®

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