The Register®

Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/08/11/comments/

AK-wielding geckos levitate in from the Tower of Doom

We're all too busy smirting to stop them

By Robin Lettice

Posted in Letters, 11th August 2007 00:39 GMT

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Comments Another week goes by and there are more lizards, more weapons, more examples of verbal silliness and, of course, more comments. Note: some comments are attributed to "Anon". This is shorthand and stands for "The Anointed One"; he who is all-knowing, all-reading and on-all-commenting.

Desperate for something to do with themselves, Orange's marketing department has created a new word [1]. 'Smexting' is apparently what you're doing if you text someone while you're out having a fag. Tirades against hideous neologisms are familiar here, so this one could reasonably be expected to get you good and riled. You didn't disappoint:

I know these people. Well, not personally, but I know the kind of person that comes up with these ridiculous neologisms. Anyone who has worked in the commercial IT sector (or any of its offshoots) will have met them. They're the kind of people who try to "proactively leverage synergies", who are obsessed with "getting our ducks in a row" and who will, with nary a by-your-leave, speak of "mobes" and "lappies" (yes, those).

OK, so I know that languages are organic things that grow and evolve over time, but there are some new words and phrases that really do deserve to become the linguistic equivalent of the weird and short-lived critters that appeared around the time of the Cambrian explosion. In fact, "smexting" (and its ilk) is probably even more maladapted than Hallucigenia at al and should, therefore, retire to a quiet corner and die immediately.

Adrian Waterworth

Reminds me of those ludicrous Nissan Micra adverts which were based on hideous constructions like "spafe" (which Sigmund Freud - for which I have never forgiven him - informed us meant "spontaneous yet safe," though he failed to explain what could possibly be spontaneous about a car, let alone a Micra).

I hereby coin my own word for these things: "portwankeau."

Anon

Other posters were quick to point out that it was in fact Clement Freud who provided the necessary learned-sounding voice, rather than Sigmund, who would presumably have preferred to emphasise the car's sleek curves and powerful, thrusting engine. Oh my...

"I think you mean Clement Freud"

Doh!! Yes.

It was a Freudian slip.

Anon (One and the same)

Obvious what you should call this kind of new coinage (and in truth pretty much anything that emanates from Orange's marketing folk), a 'fuckwitticism'

Mike Banahan

'Smugging' tends to happen a lot in Birmingham

"Yo safe mate - got a spare cigarette?"

"No - I don't smoke"

"Give me your wallet" (occasionally accompanied by a punch in the face)

Daniel Voyce

Does that also mean that the act of sending SMS whilst 'on the throne' is called 'shexting'?

Robin

I think that's called 'disgusting'.

Perhaps to atone for their disgraceful attempt to corrupt our fair language, Orange has given in [2] to cancer-fearing occupants of a Bristol tower block - known locally as the 'Tower of Doom' - and removed their base station from its top. Residents can now sleep soundly as their phones charge and their microwaves idle, but you were scathing as always:

Is it possible that the 'high' incidence of cancer amongst the elderly is somehow due to the fact that they are, in fact, elderly and therefore their cellular repair mechanisms are getting a little worn out?

Ed Blackshaw

Most of the energy from a mobile mast is radiated outwards, not downwards. So if you want to dodge all those "harmful" mobile 'phone signals, being right under the antennae is not a bad place to be.

Simon Woodworth

Personally I'd turn off all the masts in the area for a year and see how the locals like having no mobile service. I bet within 6 months there's be petitions asking for new masts to be erected and the cancer rate would neither increase or decrease.

Dave Murray

OK, so building has mobile phone mast and some people get cancer. By that logic and reasoning I would ban them all from having cats.....

Colin Guthrie

Well, cats have been known to act as harbingers of doom [3]. You never know.

The youngest person to get cancer was 63 (according to the Daily Mail, that bastion of truth and level headedness). The oldest was 89. I'd love to see what the other people died of. Radiation induced old age? Radiation induced heart attack? Radiation pushed them down the stairs?

Anon

We ran an analysis of the AK47 [4], comparing it to open source software and exploring why it became so ubiquitous. It triggered (pun intended) a lively debate over the weapon, although this might be expected amongst male specimens on the internet. A selection follows:

One slight error in your anology, 5-95 yr olds could pick up an AK and get it working in seconds. Can the same be said of Linux?

Oh God, what have I said....

And cue Fanboys......

Stu Reeves

It's a pity the article doesn't mention the sad tale of the British EM-2--sometimes referred to as "the best rifle that never was". This used a 7mm cartridge of intermediate power that offered the same advantages as the SturmGewehr and the AK* series, and in a nice convenient bullpup package, something that may have a passing resemblance to the modern-day SA80 but which was actually a really nice rifle by all accounts.

Of course the boneheaded American generals insisted that nothing less powerful than the good ole 30-06 would do, and besides the 7mm is Not Invented Here, we can't possibly consider some design by inferior foreigners. And so the 7.62 NATO was forced through in spite of offering no improvement to anybody. Due to the UK's now familiar lack of political backbone the EM-2 and the almost as good Taden machine gun were thrown on the scrapheap and the British Army instead adopted the FN FAL and MAG respectively, the irony being that the Belgian rifle was itself originally designed for the British round.

The capricious American generals were quick enough to desert the useless round that they'd lumbered the rest of NATO with for the almost equally useless 5.56mm, and the rest as they say is history. Of course now they're finally thinking "maybe a 7mm round might do the trick" 50 years after someone else thought of it first.

Anon

Heres a different analogy, without the open source slant.

In kind of the same way as MS made it big, and importantly - the norm - by striking a deal to package MSDOS and early Windows with IBM PCs. The AK made it the norm by being easily available, freely reproduced, cheap to buy, and so the standard weaponry for armies to buy.

Nobody ever got fired at a workplace for buying IBM.

Nobody ever got executed at an army base for buying Kalashnikov.

I found it interesting to note that given its crap accuracy, the AK was used to great effect in the Jungles of Vietnam by the Viet Cong or NVA by digging in deep and waiting till they could see the whites of the GIs eyes before opening fire. Oh and the 7.62 rounds went straight through tree trunks and were fired by untrained monkeys (not literally).

Given a modern day conflict in Vietnam, if one were to come about, that the situation would probably be the same! Even modern day Apache Helecopters would be rendered useless, kind of like how they were pretty useless in Afghanistan.

Stu

The author seems to say that the adoption of lower caliber AK74 was an acknowledgement of inferiority of the Soviet weapons design. This is definitely not true. The trend to lower the caliber and power of the ammunition was driven by combination of practicality (lower power makes the weapon easier to operate) and increased lethality (lightweight bullets tumbled on impact causing much more damage to the target). The design remained virually unchanged - just scaled down.

Today both in Russia and in the West there is a reverse trend - to go back to higher power ammunition, because the increased use of body armour makes the lightweight bullets ineffective - they don't get a chance to tumble as they spend their energy on penetrating the armour. But again the design remains the same.

And the key thing is that the design of AK is excellent and balanced - it is easy to operate, reliable, accurate enough and easy to manufacture. There are some things (bugs you might say) you just have to learn in the beginning (such as that recoil will raise the muzzle, so you better aim lower than higher if you shoot on automatic) and then it becomes the second nature.

Vladimir Plouzhnikov

While I'd agree the AK is the grandfather of open-source weapons, the AR-15 platform is probably a lot more like Linux these days. Since the patent expired, hundreds of small-arms developers have popped up to create thousands of variations and accessories. And, like Linux, the user can pick and choose which bits they want, and build a unique rifle (or even pistol version) from the ground up.

illspirit

Loony boffins at the University of St Andrews have found a way [5] to make geckos power flying cars. Or to use the power of their feet to make things repel each other. Or something. Regardless, many of you preferred to focus on geckos and balls than the underlying science:

Perhaps the Back to the Future 2 hoverboard that we all loved the concept of really isnt so implausible as it once seemed - Aussuming you dont destroy the universe riding it!

Derek Foley

Finally a use for David Beckham. Seems that this effects reliance on golden balls will actually make the guy scientifically interesting, do we have to make him especially thin in the process too ??

Posted Anon as I dislike admitting to knowing his nick name

Anon

Geckos in Scotland? Global warming gone mad.

Anon

I stuck live geckoes to my hands and feet years ago, in the hopes of becoming a gecko-powered spiderman (geckoman?). The problem is, I've been sitting in the same position ever since, permanently stuck to the ground. Maybe this is the answer I'm looking for? Please could somebody ask these boffins to install polarity-reversing switches (aka any given Star Trek episode) on the backs of my geckoes, then I'll be able to climb buildings AND hover.

Ian Ferguson

Actually the idea of being able to remove this property from Gecko feet and then watch the little buggers trying to climb things amused me too.

Steve Evans

Pipex used a dirty word. One of its suggestions [6] to a customer wanting to change his password was the appallingly vulgar 'c**nted'. Let's not pussy-foot or beat about the bush, this is simply unacceptable. But it happens a lot, apparently:

Doubtless someone will now get the fun task of writing an obscenity filter for this app.

Back in the 80s I wrote an SSO system for our 'green screens' , which involved a computer-generated five letter password. I was concerned that someone might be allocated an objectionable password, and though I couldn't think of anything too bad that had five letters, I ensured that no password could end in UP, ME or IT. The system went live, 2000 users were given new passwords and, sure enough, someone complained because theirs was PENIS ...

Chris Miller

I've seen the letters to make a word for a part of a woman's body turn up on Countdown (though never in a row). This is the thing that most puts me off applying to be a contestant on the show ..... because there are certain words which, if it's possible to make them from the letters on the board, stick in my brain and nothing I do can make me see a longer word!

I was most disappointed too that when Ricky Tomlinson was the special guest, at no point did the letters M,Y,A,R,S and E show up together. Since every letters round consists, according to the strict rules, of at least four consonants and at least three vowels, it wouldn't be too hard for someone to pre-arrange the letters .....

A J Stiles

Back in the 80s I worked on a suite of Mainframe fulfilment batch programs that processed orders and stock control for A Very Large computer manufacturer. We got a stroppy letter from customer informing us that the semi-random, though unique, invoice code read "AR5E01", which they had interpreted as the exit of the human alimentary canal.

My small team of 20-something, beer-swilling, Viz-reader/programmers were tasked with writing a short batch job and supporting data file that would scrub all invoice codes for potentially offensive terms.

Though we did not have a degree in linguistics between us, we had a wonderful week populating the data file with every phonetic combination we could think of.

And in the large open-plan office we frequented, the sound of school-boy sniggering was met with much tut-tutting and persistent calls to "just finish it, will you?"

Paul Adams

A firm I used to work for installed a lotus notes database for call logging. The call references were the first letter of the users christian name followed by the first two and last letters of the surname and a sequential number. Fine, until Sara Hirst joined the company!

clight

Several years ago i worked for a budget airline (not saying which one but I am now scared of orange...) and we had a similar problem.

The booking reference number was a series of letters and numbers, they were strictly logical (ie if you had aaaa1 the next would be aaaa2 and so on). As you can imagine we got a few phone calls when people booking numbers contained "s**t", "f**k", "c**t" I am sure you can think of all the others. Cencored the words in case El Reg gets to offended.

Stephen

Thank you, Stephen. We are all of quite a sensitive disposition here. And now we're off to the pub, where we should be safe from gratuitous swearing. Hopefully. ®