Stob 'What if,' said a friend down the pub the other day, when the conversation was circling uneasily for take off at that tricky third round mark, 'what if those old Greek philosophers - you know, the ones that used to sit around all day gassing - what if they had had the benefit of modern social website software, like Facebook? Would it have made a difference to Western civilisation?'

Well, duh.

Extract from Plato's The Banana Republic. Socrates and Glaucon are discovered in the Facebook group called 'Philosophy is the new iPod'. Socrates has created a new thread.

SOCRATES has 6 friends in the network Philosophers.

SOCRATES: I thought I would kick off a new one on the nature of human companionship. 'Be slow to fall into friendship; but when you are in, continue firm and constant' as a great man once said. Oh yes, I did.

GLAUCON: Nice one, Socco. Talking of friendship, I hear that Catherine Tate is all set to return to the Tardis to reprise the role of Donna. My heart is sore.

SOCRATES: And how does this bear on the nature of friendship?

GLAUCON: My reasoning is thus.

In the first place, Donna's grating voice and her sarf London accent – apparently a prerequisite to getting hold of a Tardis key these days, by the way, no matter how many hearts you possess – offends my ear, even so that my enjoyment of The Mill's special effects is disturbed.

In the second place, this seems to be a continuation of Russell T Davies celebrity obsession, which is running wildly out of hand. Tate, Kylie, that actor off of 'Life on Mars'. What will he do next? Reintroduce Bonnie Langford?

And in the third place, why couldn't we have that posh blonde out of the scary statues episode? That would make more sense in terms of continuity.

CEPHALUS joined the group Philosophy is the new iPod.

CEPHALUS: @Glaucon, this is an excellent analysis! How suggestive are your remarks! But I rather suspect that people in general are not convinced by you when you speak thus.

As to your first point: the London accents are indeed part of the contract that BBC Wales committed to, in exchange for the right to take Who production away from Shepherd's Bush. This may also be why Christopher Eccleston, who never really got the hang of being a cockney dude, only lasted one season.

As to your second point: Ms Tate has performed as Lauren in partnership with former prime minister Anthony Aloysius St John Blair. Toes haven't curled so far since Thatch did 'Yes, Prime Minister' with Nigel Hawthorne. Lauren is dead, and Ms Tate is no longer a celebrity; she is merely another actor in need of employment.

And as to your third point, you were not so keen on continuity when they said Tom Ellis was up for it.

CEPHALUS and GLAUCON are now friends.

GLAUCON: You argue with great skill and force.

But, pray, what was wrong with Martha Jones? Why are we to be deprived of lovely Freema's presence for the first half of next season?

SOCRATES: Guys, can we be a bit more serious around here?

GLAUCON removed "Bay City Rollers and Artic Monkeys” from his favourite music.

CEPHALUS: Allow me to explain. Recall the expression on the Martha Jones's face when she is happy. She shows her teeth. And when she is anxious or worried, she shows her teeth.And when she is thoughtful, or harassed, or tired, or surprised, or angry, or seductive, or curious, or assertive, or baffled, or bored, she shows her teeth.

GLAUCON: Hey – you are onto something there.

SOCRATES: Can I remind you guys that this group is supposed to be about philosophical matters? You seem to have wandered off topic.

CEPHALUS: Now, the audience for the show is a family audience, which means it is comprised 20% children and 80% male IT consultants aged 20-55. And it is well known that such males are hopeless at reading facial expression; these males thought Martha was always happy. Freema's dental misdirection has been misleading significant subsections of the viewership into laughing during the tense bits.

I understand that, before he went with the Tate option, Russell did think of putting some supportive subtitles, probably written by Terrance Dicks, on the remote control red button - 'emotions for the hard of feeling' it was going to be called. Education remains an important part of the BBC's Reithian remit.

SOCRATES: SOCRATES: Education is the kindling of a flame, not the filling of a vessel.

CEPHALUS: Gordon Bennett, you are obsessed, you are. Anyway, I'm going off the air for a bit: there's a repeat-fest on BBC3.

GLAUCON: Good point. Think I may do the same.

GLAUCON and CEPHALUS are offline.

POLEMARCHUS, THRASYMACHUS and CLEITOPHON have joined the group 'Philosophy is the new iPod'

POLEMARCHUS: you want philosophy? let me tell you about modern justice. thatll give you some thing to philosophise about.

two months ago, on the 50mph coned stretch of the m4 just outside swindon, right, i was tootling along in the mondeo at 48 all right 57 like a good boy when this bloody great jam sandwich comes up behind me, sirens going, headlights flashing like he owns the road. so i looked to pull over out of the so-called fast lane, but i couldn't, because theres a bloody great pair of eddie stobarts hogging the middle lane like they own the road. so i put my foot down to get past, because i musnt drive behind artics because i have medical asthmer, and to cut a long story short i thought i saw a flash in the driving mirror and sure enough three weeks later i got a letter from mister average speed gatso saying it was going to cost me £200ukp pounds and 6 points on my licence – i might loose it.

i mean, i wouldn't never have done it if i hadn't been getting out of the way of the police like a good boy.

now just you try to tell that thats justice, mr philospher.

THRASYMACHUS: @Polemarchus Noooooooooo! you should go to this website, can't remember what it is called but you can easily google it, you go there and put in your name and they get a big lawyer in and they get you off ;-) :-) you wont loose anything and it doesnt cost to much

CLEITOPHON: @Polemarchus go to http://www.speedcam.co.uk/gatso2.htm its very funny they have got lots of photos of burned Gatsos. Well youve gotta laugh havent you.

SOCRATES: Do not do to others what angers you if done to you by others.

POLEMARCHUS: don't lord it over me. i need my licence for my job and if i loose it i literally will have to crawl to work with my medical asthmer. its all down to that fat smug scotch bugger brown, i bet hes feathering his own nest literally with the blood of the working man as has to pop up to swindon from time to time.

SOCRATES: Death may be the greatest of all human blessings. In some cases more than others.

POLEMARCHUS: Ok ive had a bellyful of the little creep. lets carry on in 'Ford Mondeo chariot of the gods'. they dont mind intelligent discussion there.

POLEMARCHUS, THRASYMACHUS and CLEITOPHON have left the group 'Philosophy is the new iPod.'

The group Philosophy is the new iPod has 1 members.

SOCRATES has 0 friends in the network Philosophers.

SOCRATES: He is the richest who is content with the least. Boom, boom.®

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