How do you titillate an ocelot?

You oscillate its tit a lot.

Metal Gear Solid, that's the IT angle right there. Also, ocelots are a favourite of Paris Hilton, who has a big coat made of ocelot fur. When you switch on an Apple iPhone, the startup image is an ocelot. Ocelots have USB ports in their spines and they light up when you type really quickly. They have an ecrypted partition that does not work properly with Linux. The man from Microsoft can smell Ocelot monetization.

That ocelot joke is partly responsible for Bill Clinton's election to the US presidency. Dan "Potatoe" Quayle reportedly passed George HW Bush a note bearing that joke during extremely delicate negotiations with some foreign power or other.

When Bush later yakked into Kiichi Miyazawa's lap, people began to realize that this clown Quayle would assume the presidency should the old man pop his clogs. One quick saxophone serenade later, Hillary was choosing the curtains for the Oval Office.

Renaming required.

At last, Ashley is revealed as just another ID of Amanfrommars ...

I propose that El Reg should dump Jefferson Alberry II and employ Ashley Pomeroy to write the iPhone-related humour column. I got as far as "Ocelots have USB ports in their spines and they light up when you type really quickly" and splorfed coffee all over my monitor.

Saw one a few years ago, there. By the time I got the camera up, it was gone. But it was a magical moment. Much like diving with dolphins off the coast of Belize.