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Golf and Intel Inside China threaten life as we know it

Losing all faith in your putter and PC

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And Ninthly The decadence of the new age crushed Johnny Stumpy's spirit. He'd always thought of himself as a noble vagabond, a street-licker with virtue. Then, the old man pounded him in the head with a mallet made of gold, and Johnny's dreams died. Stumpy got stumped. - The Devil Wears Sleeveless Ts by Julio Stantore

Alright. It's time to get Orangutan-eating serious. I'm talking about strangling one of the buggers with your bare hands, pulling off its stringy orange hair with your teeth and then charring the carcass on the biggest Weber grill you can find. Eating Orangutan isn't for sissies or candy-ass celebrity chefs.

Two things have engorged my rage-filled consternation to this level - golf and Intel.

The 4th of July holiday reminded me how unpatriotic the golf epidemic really is.

Thousands of acres of prime, onetime bucolic real estate have been consumed by lazy elitists. The fat cats have filled our wetlands. They've greened our deserts and littered manicured lawns throughout our forests. It's both disgusting and disturbing.

Worst of all, the energy and water required to run golf courses far outstrips that required to run, say, data centers, which have become the poster child for penguin-killing Earth abuse.

That's no to say that I side with the green Nancies. That will never happen.

I do, however, feel that golf courses put us at odds with nature. Does anything seem more out of place and less sustainable than a golf course in Las Vegas?

We'd be far better served by returning our golf courses to their rightful states as hunting grounds, where the natural order of man versus beast can reign. A healthy density of fit hunters would make far better use of the land than a handful of tubby doctors cruising around the grounds hoping to use a few swings of a club to justify the next beer.

Golf courses threaten America's survival, and should be banned. You can be damn sure the Chinese aren't wasting their time teaching people how to swing drivers. No, they're creating a citizen army the likes of which we've never seen. Lock and load, America. Guns don't kill penguins. Golf kills penguins.

Taking it on the Chintel

Speaking of China, I understand from top government sources that one of the biggest fears haunting the Defense Department is the PRC's possible purchase of Intel.

The word on the street is that Alcatel's acquisition of Lucent has the Feds rattled. Lucent manufactured a big chunk of our satellite hardware, and now a bunch of cowards could use that technology to listen in on W playing with his Speak & Spell. The Lucent deal got Washington's underbelly jiggling over the worst of all possible worlds and a marriage between China and Intel popped to the top of the blubber roll.

As of this writing, Intel has a market cap of $150bn. How many shareholders would reject a $500bn takeover from Beijing? Hell, China could create that kind of coin just by upping its monthly quota of My Little Pony shipments to Wal-Mart.

Overnight, China would leap to the head of the semiconductor market, acquiring the top worldwide talent and technology know-how.

We depended on the Integrated Circuit to eliminate the Soviets. Might the Chinese turn to the IC as a way to eliminate America's military might? We wouldn't be capable of trusting a single PC or server. Even worse, we'd depend on second-class semiconductors and a depleted workforce to keep our missile guidance systems ahead of the Chinese.

Thank god, we're left with a few red-blooded, NSA-approved chip suppliers and have the NSA's own 120nm Fab. Still, I fear that these creatures would struggle to keep up with an Intel-armed China, and the government will never be able to afford or develop cutting-edge Fabs on par with the Chinese Communists.

I've eaten Orangutan. It tastes like crap.

But I'd be happy to eat nothing but the ugly beasts if that's what it required to keep this nation strong. Even Orangutan tastes better than a Chinese-made, chip-equipped putter stuffed down your throat. ®

Otto Z. Stern is a director at The Institute of Technological Values - a think tank dedicated to a more moral digital age. He has closely monitored the IT industry's intersection with America's role as a world leader for thirty years. You can find Stern locked and loaded, corralling wounded iLemmings, talking, drinking and driving, reflecting on Anna Nicole Smith's American chest, fearing Intel Inside Chinese golf clubs, suppressing Bill Gates U, developing strong Mexican engineers, fearing pink Yahoo!, corrupting his youth in Sadville, masticating beta culture, booing our soccer team, following Jimmy Wales, despising U-Haul, nursing an opal-plated prostate, spanking open source fly boys, Googling Bro-Magnon Man, wearing a smashing suit, watching Dead Man, dropping a SkyCar on the Googleplex, spitting on Frenchmen, and vomiting in fear with a life-sized cutout of Hilary Rosen at his solar-powered compound somewhere in the Great American Southwest.

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