Feeds

Mugwort buys the furniture - Fytte 6...

Why make developers comfortable? We pay them enough for them to put up with anything.

Security for virtualized datacentres

Mugwort has been getting less and less favoured by the iteration. However, there is hope following an isolated period of success for the young demon. Several key members of his victim’s development team have left and, due to inadequate training, this means that Mugwort’s intended victim, our young project manager, has struggled to keep the existing project on track. Li'l Devil in barrel.

The project manager has been tasked with relocating his stakeholders, sorry - worthless underlings - to a new office environment. An ideal opportunity for Screwpole to convince his nephew to press home the advantage…

To: Mugwort
From: Uncle Screwpole
Subject: Sun Tzu’s The Art of Feng Shui

Ahh Mugwort,

The office move – what an excellent opportunity. And I believe you’re in charge of mentoring our unsuspecting victim. The disastrous implementation of his training regime has caused many of his peons to leave for greener pastures, and left the project manager in a weakened and confused state. When advising him, remember these goals: limit productivity, increase staff turnover, and stifle recruitment. A poor work environment can achieve all three!

Cutting costs is the single most effective way to undermine an efficient, productive and fair office environment. Your manager, in his obsession with all things new and modern, will likely have lofty ideas for his new office. Your opening gambit, then, is to point out the ‘10% rule’: if he saves £1, this is equivalent to a £10 sale. He will be unaware that this can be a false economy – even small savings, if not judged correctly, can have hugely detrimental effects on staff morale and productivity.

Once you’ve started pound signs spinning in your manager’s eyes, it’s time to get down to the dirty business of actually designing your new office. There’s currently a belief that the pathetic, fleshy bodies of humans require much care and attention. This is ridiculous – just look at our superb sweat shops. Endless rows of people stitching designer handbags for 18 hours a day, six days a week. Do they complain? No, because if they do, they get sacked. Humans will put up with a great deal of punishment if they think there is no choice.

There are three primary factors to consider when arranging an office: physical needs, communication needs, and social needs.

The IT equivalent of the sweat shop is our call centre model of office design, successfully implemented several years ago. Study this and you will find that a number of our call centre demons manage to allocate just 85 square feet of office space per employee. I’m sure you can better this.

For your development team, the significant features of their ‘personal’ areas are, in order of importance: chair, computer, and desk. The office chair is paramount to employee comfort and health – it’s what they will spend most of their time in. The more strong-willed office managers recognise this and have at least one trained posture expert on the team, who is dedicated to sourcing the best chairs for individual needs.

This is all poppycock, of course. The team should sit on upturned wicker baskets if your manager tells them to. Get the worst chairs you possibly can [Perhaps ones that induce painful muscle spasms – a hearty laugh at your violently contorting employees is a good way to start the day].

The PCs you choose will ultimately dictate the speed at which your developers can work and therefore their productivity and stress levels. Understand the edit-compile-debug process and make sure you procure desktops that run slower than people’s short-term memory, thus causing them to forget what they’re doing.

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
PEAK APPLE: iOS 8 is least popular Cupertino mobile OS in all of HUMAN HISTORY
'Nerd release' finally staggers past 50 per cent adoption
Microsoft to bake Skype into IE, without plugins
Redmond thinks the Object Real-Time Communications API for WebRTC is ready to roll
Microsoft promises Windows 10 will mean two-factor auth for all
Sneak peek at security features Redmond's baking into new OS
Mozilla: Spidermonkey ATE Apple's JavaScriptCore, THRASHED Google V8
Moz man claims the win on rivals' own benchmarks
FTDI yanks chip-bricking driver from Windows Update, vows to fight on
Next driver to battle fake chips with 'non-invasive' methods
DEATH by PowerPoint: Microsoft warns of 0-day attack hidden in slides
Might put out patch in update, might chuck it out sooner
Ubuntu 14.10 tries pulling a Steve Ballmer on cloudy offerings
Oi, Windows, centOS and openSUSE – behave, we're all friends here
Was ist das? Eine neue Suse Linux Enterprise? Ausgezeichnet!
Version 12 first major-number Suse release since 2009
prev story

Whitepapers

Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
New hybrid storage solutions
Tackling data challenges through emerging hybrid storage solutions that enable optimum database performance whilst managing costs and increasingly large data stores.
Mitigating web security risk with SSL certificates
Web-based systems are essential tools for running business processes and delivering services to customers.