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Self-combusting toilets menace Japan

Lizard Alliance fires up electric bidet accessory

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RoTM We're not sure if "Japan's leading toilet manufacturer" Toto builds city centre cyberloos for the UK market, but its domestic products have evidently fallen under the control of the Lizard Alliance.

According to the BBC, the company is offering free repairs to no less than 180,000 Z-series bogs after some of them spontaneously combusted. The Z-series apparently features pulsating massage spray, power dryer, "tornado wash" flush, and an automatic lid.

It also boasts an "electric bidet accessory" which on three occassions has caught fire, potentially threatening a nasty case of "Machine Uprising Roast Arse". Mercifully, the Z-series failed to fully exploit its new-found offensive capability, since the crappers were unoccupied at the time of the incendiary incidents.

A Toto spokesman confirmed: "Fortunately, nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries."

neoLuddite Resistance Army members outside Japan need not worry unduly about this latest evidence of The Rise of the Machines - the Z series is not exported. Japanese cadre members are advised to take the usual precautions - pulse plasma laser rifle and asbestos underpants. ®

Bootnote

A battlefield citation to NRA member Paul Gomme for the Z-series reconnaissance.

The Rise of the Machines™

Carnivore ATM bites Florida kiddie (16 March 2007)
Hybrid vehicle attacks petrol station (12 March 2007)
Humans taste of bacon, says gourmet robot (10 November 2006)
Satnav orders German into toilet (24 October 2006)
Lizard Alliance targets Turkish PM (19 October 2006)
Washing machine attacks Icelander (9 October 2006)
Volkswagen unleashes 150mph self-driving car (4 July 2006)
Police arrest satanic BMW victim (20 June 2006)
Iraq grunts mourn loss of robot comrade (25 May 2006)
Bendy bus attacks Leeds cake shop (25 April 2006)
Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability (20 April 2006)
Man survives satanic BMW crash-and-burn (13 March 2006)
Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet (15 February 2006)
Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter (4 November 2005)
NRA probes Japanese sex android (26 August 2005)
Androids launch minicab firm (15 July 2005)
Beware the breast-examining hand of death (13 July 2005)
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay (13 July 2005)
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs (6 June 2005)
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube (13 May 2005)
Sex android begats Armageddon machine (22 April 2005)
Man executes Chrysler (21 April 2005)
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo (24 March 2005)
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal (18 March 2005)
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London (14 March 2005)
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover (11 March 2005)
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace (8 March 2005)
French join motorised Lizard Alliance (22 February 2005)
Lizard Army develops copulating robot (11 February 2005)
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace (9 February 2005)
Lizard Army invades Alaska (27 January 2005)
London menaced by flaming DVD players (12 January 2005)
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman (24 December 2004)
Car self-destructs in assassination bid (17 December 2004)
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android (16 December 2004)
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach (15 November 2004)
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines™ (13 October 2004)
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal (7 October 2004)
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated (28 June 2004)
US develops motorised robobollard (29 April 2004)
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie (22 April 2004)
Fire-breathing buses threaten London (24 March 2004)
Cyberappliances attack Italian village (11 February 2004)
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent (10 February 2004)
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager (8 December 2003)
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera (19 April 2001)
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman (17 April 2001)

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