Feeds

Masturbating woman shakes Michigan Uni frat house

Bushwhacking intruder makes herself right at home

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

A Michigan University frat house will throw out two couches tainted by a mystery masturbating female intruder who used the furniture for an extended public self-pleasuring session, The Michigan Daily reports.

The woman in question simply walked into Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity house "without permission" last Thursday, "entered the house's living room, took off her clothes and started masturbating", according to shaken frat president Dan Nye.

Shocked frat members "asked the woman to leave the house, but she refused and continued masturbating for about half an hour". When pressed as to whether she felt ok, the beaver-petting stranger "casually replied that she was fine" and even made a quick call on her mobile phone while tickling the taco.

Frat members eventually called police, who arrived just after the bushwhacking stranger had made good her escape "wearing only a thigh-length black coat". The subsequent police report said the woman had told witneses she was called Melissa and was a student at Eastern Michigan University. She "appeared to be under the influence of drugs", the report notes.

Nye concluded: "Obviously, she was very disturbed. It was not how a normal person would respond to people." ®

Bootnote

No one is quite sure just how "Melissa" got into Pi Kappa Alpha's premises, but Nye rather brilliantly said "she could have entered through the front door, which was left propped open while it was being repaired".

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
Bible THUMP: Good Book beats Darwin to most influential tome title
Folio Society crowns fittest of surviving volumes
prev story

Whitepapers

Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
10 ways wire data helps conquer IT complexity
IT teams can automatically detect problems across the IT environment, spot data theft, select unique pieces of transaction payloads to send to a data source, and more.
5 critical considerations for enterprise cloud backup
Key considerations when evaluating cloud backup solutions to ensure adequate protection security and availability of enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?