Borat scares foreigners with text messages
While making love to his car
Letters Before we kick off this week's musings, a couple more thoughts on the UK's plans to scrap the mooted ID card for youths.
"It seems that the UK's IT folks doesn't have the MacGyver-like skills that it takes to survive a simple US helpdesk position, much less design and build systems on time and under budget. Tony"
Easy there Tony. What is being discussed is IT provision in UK Government, not commercial. Even if the Government IT people do have the required skill levels they never get to use them as they spend their whole day dealing with the bloody paperwork inherent in any really badly run bureaucracy.
Besides, I work for a US/CDN based company and they do nothing but saddle us with pointless bureaucracy especially w.r.t. purchasing decisions. Someone needs to tell some of these Norte Americano companies to stop being the snivelling butt-monkeys of the market analysts, grow a spinal column, and manage their companies for long term growth rather than for short term gain.
With regard to Tony's letter about the scrapping of the Youth ID Card;
"It seems that the UK's IT folks doesn't have the MacGyver-like skills that it takes to survive a simple US helpdesk position, much less design and build systems on time and under budget"
Actually, we do have those skills. However, we're not all chimps who do what the Govt. tell us to do, and some of us actively persuade the Govt. not to do "bad things" by telling them they'll cost a laughably high price which scares them into not doing bad things.
You guys in the US should try it some time.
Sticking with our fine neighbours over the pond, when Sacha AliG Baron Borat Cohen's Borat.kz website was pulled by Kazakhstan officials, US officials blasted the move as an example of the Kazakhstani government's restrictions on freedom of speech and other human rights abuses. Pfft, cough, cough, splutter:
"According to Reuters, the report also lists torture by police, poor prison conditions, arbitrary arrests, military hazing, restrictions on freedom of assembly, domestic violence against women, people trafficking and "severe limits on citizens' rights to change their government" as areas of concern."
errr.... pot, kettle, dark colour...
"unlawful deprivation of life". That'll be the USA in Iraq "torture by police", yup, Iraq again. "poor prison conditions", oh, that'll be that bit of US soil in Cuba, damn what's it called again. "arbitrary arrests", yup that's how they get from Iraq to Cuba.
So arrest and imprisonment without charge or a reight to a defense, torture, restrictions on freedom of speech and freedom of assembly are all bad are they ? Now what's that phrase with pot kettle and black ?
Back to Blighty, the UK government unveiled a new tactic to scare foreigners back to their home shores. Ooooh...what scare tactic, you ask? Text message. WTF?? Yep, the scary, scary text mesage.
"Foreigners settling in the UK legally will need to carry ID cards, and landlords and employers will face action if they employ or house illegal immigrants."
Right, so you are OK if you employ/house an immigrant with an ID card, and OK with a UK national without an ID card. But if you accept the word of someone that they don't need an ID card then you risk "action". Hmm, so how does the emplorer/landlord differentiate between someone who doesn't need ID, and someone who doesn't have it and just claims not to need it ?
Oh bummer, there's a reason for us all to have ID :-(
And in which particular language as these texts being sent?
... Aha! You see, none of these illegal buggers speak Inglesh (or so I'm told) so it's no good just sending it out in the mother tongue. Oh no ...
... That'll be "Please fuck off home" in 43 languages then (couple of versions of Chinese included ... obviously). And you'd have to send all 43 versions to each recipient, cos it's unlikely HM.gov will be capable of keeping a record of the mobile-phone number AND a preferred language (come on).
That's a lot of txts.
I do - however - reccommend that they use one of those "premium rate" reply numbers in their txt. That way the buggers can pay for the system themselves!
So, final version of the message should read:
"Please fuck off home - But before you do, please phone 18765 to claim your lottery winnings"
In fact HM.gov could make so much money out of this that they'll want more immigrants coming in ... Hmmmm; now wait a moment ...
Landlords is a new one on me. Does that mean we'll all have to hand our passports over to prove we can rent a cottage. And how will tourists rent a flat for a long-term vacation? Probably some kind of magic database. Yep, that'll teach 'em.
There are so many wrong things with that story... Here's barely two:
1) What language will they send the message in? Is it ok if they can't read that language? Even at that, a learner at English might not grasp the text speek...
2) They have actively admitted they don't know how many illegal immigrants there are in the country... So how the hell can they send them text messages?
They might as well be saying that they will send illegal immigrant magic bonbons through over digital tv, which will return them to their home country...
Then again, some ministers probably would think that a good idea...
I would much rather my hard-earned tax money went on sick illegal immigrants than on the t***s that it otherwise gets spent on. How about text messages to all 12–16 year old saying "Pls put a cndm on b4 hving sx or u wll b a slappr" or "Gt a jb u bum" to all who have been on the dole without going for any job interviews.
I see a new market here - instead of ID cards we will all have to register our mobile numbers - then the goverment can tell us off by txt: "Ur l8, rmbr 2 pay ur tax" etc etc
While we are on the topic we could send a "Xenophobia is naughty" txt message to our Mr Reid
More absolute genius from Reid and his cronies here I see. Has it not occurred to the folk at the Home Office that the only people who they will be able to reach via SMS would be those for whom they actually have a mobile number. How exactly do they intend to implement this? Some sort of mandatory citizenship test when buying a phone perhaps? or are they relying on everyone entering the country voluntarily handing over their mobile numbers?
It would seem to me that the only people they might be able to reach (read annoy) with this latest spot of spin would be those who are legally staying in this country; skilled workers, students, holidaymakers and the like.
It could be suggested that putting pressure on such people, who it could be argued are contributing to the country's economy even if they do happen to overstay their visas, would just encourage them to go elsewhere. Meanwhile, all the illegal workers, sex slaves, 'terrorists' and other undesirables who might actually be causing a problem will continue to slip under the radar merely by failing to tell the Home Office where they are, so that the Home Office can't tell them to 'Please go home'?
Some perspectives from the US:
Hello from the USA. This "new" idea is similar to one I submitted to the U.S. Govt. in 1999. I called it USAVisitor.Net. What you are dismissing is the fact 99% of illegal immigrants don't want to be illegal -they want opportunity. Since they still have a conscience, but are desperate, most will be bothered by receiving a reminder to leave the country. Especially those who entered legally and are still weighing the decision to leave. The Vera Institute studied this for the US Govt. in 1998 and found that among people who were scheduled to go to a deportation hearing (all of whom could expect to be deported if they showed up - and that they would not be deported if they didn't show up) 90% would not show up. BUT, if you reminded them to show up with a simple phone call or letter about 90% of those reminded showed up to the hearing and were deported.
Big problems can be managed without draconian measures that alienate people. One just needs to find the means to do it. Anticipate that foreign visitors to your country will eventually have to routinely register online while they are visiting your country. They will do this so that they can be monitored and influenced.
I tried to patent this idea but the U.S. patent office said no because it would only restrict the U.S. govt.
John Donovan Alexandria, VA
It occurs to me as I read this that it's kind of hard to explain you have the chunnel and all around is cold deep ocean and you can't keep people from immigrating illegally all those cameras all that intrusive behavior can't stop business from hiring cheap labor just think how we in the US are set we have no chance at all. Best just to learn to live with it and forget about it saves worry.
And a bit of love for our esteemed editor:
People who are here on visas are, by definition, not illegal immigrants.
But don't let that stop your efforts to get a job at the Daily Mail will you.