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Mobile phone bacteria threat uncovered

HELLO? I'M DYING! DYING! NO, IT'S MRSA!

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Most Brits carry vile harbours of pestilence with them everywhere they go according to a shocking investigation by a portable telephone seller.

The study compared swabbed bacterial cultures taken from mobiles with those taken from other everyday objects.

Joanne Verran, Professor of Microbiology at Manchester Metropolitan University said: "Being 'mobile', they are stored in bags or pockets, are handled frequently, and held close to the face. In other words, they come into contact with more parts of our body and a wider range of bacteria than toilet seats!"

There's an advert for a kitchen cleaner on TV at the moment which tells us our toilet seat carries less bacteria than our chopping board. In 2004 the University of Arizona told us it's cleaner than our desk . We've just commissioned a set of office furniture with built in mobile phone holders made entirely from reclaimed oaken lavatory accessories.

The esteemed Professor continued: "The phones contained more skin bacteria than the any other object; this could be due to the fact that this type of bacteria increases in high temperatures and our phones are perfect for breeding these germs as they're kept warm and cozy in our pockets, handbags and brief cases. These bacteria are toxic to humans, and can cause infections if they have the opportunity to enter the body."

Dial-a-Phone, the mobile retailer behind the groundbreaking public health initiative, presumably hopes consumers will be panicked into a new purchase to rid them of their disease-riddled handset.

In The Register offices, the powers that be have instead decided to deploy a sterile, disposable, machine washable new mobile network. CIOs can see here for our exclusive whitepaper on deploying this bleeding-edge technology.

As part of our new belt and braces approach to workplace hygiene we've also smashed up all our pre-release iPhones, thrown them in the bin, and then set it on fire. ®

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