Feeds

BOFH: It's a funny old world isn't it?

Adventure time!

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

High performance access to file storage

Episode 2

It's a funny old world isn't it? Strange the way things pan out. Take for instance the New Year's truce forged between the PFY and myself. On one hand we reached a landmark accord which allowed us to work in harmony with each other and the users and on the other hand I'm now locked in a dark basement room that the PFY tricked me into visiting by saying that the PR people's expensive new kit had been misdelivered there - all because he found out that I'd arranged for people to harass him mercilessly on the first day.

I'd have explained to the PFY that this was all organised before the truce between us had been struck, only I was in a bit of a hurry to get my hands on the 25-inch LCD monitors that the PFY had said had just appeared in the basement...

The newly installed large electronic lock on the door of the room should have been a dead giveaway but the PFY had also mentioned in passing that he thought the monitors came with 5.1 surround satellite speakers and I may have been a little overexcited - which goes to show that I just don't learn from my mistakes. George Santayana would be ashamed of me.

The dodgy lighting in the room - which failed once the door slammed shut - also should have rung alarm bells but in my rush to the supposed new kit I didn't think about it.

So now I'm trapped in a room which is almost certainly been hand-picked by the PFY for the density of the concrete and remoteness from human contact...

What would MacGyver do?

Unfortunately I don't have the couple of rubber bands, alarm clock and six feet of galvanised drainpipe which he'd use to create a working masonry drill so I'm going to have to switch into geek mode.

Hmm... It's dark, I'm in a basement... ...

>ADVENTURE MODE ON!<

It's pitch dark, and you can't see a thing.

> I

You have: a small bag, a half consumed chocolate bar.

The bag contains: a lifebook p1000 ultraportable, a Philips head screwdriver, a flat blade screwdriver, a piece of wire.

What I wouldn't give for a shiny brass lamp.... Hmmm...

> OPEN BAG

The bag is open.

> TAKE LIFEBOOK

I don't know what that is.

> TAKE P1000

Taken.

> TURN P1000 ON

I don't know how to do that.

> P1000 ON

The laptop turns powers up and floods part of the room in light. You have 6 hours of battery life remaining.

> EXAMINE DOOR

The door is made of solid wood with steel reinforcing. The steel looks new. The backplate of a large electronic lock is embedded in the wood.

> UNSCREW BACKPLATE

The backplate cannot be unscrewed.

> EXAMINE HINGES

The hinges are the high security, autoclosing welded pin type.

The bloody PFY thinks of everything...

> LOOK

You are in a small room with concrete walls, floor and roof.

There are some empty wooden computer crates here.

You have 5.45 hours of battery life remaining.

> EXAMINE WALLS

The walls are made of steel reinforced concrete and are very thick.

> EXAMINE FLOOR

The floor is made of steel reinforced concrete and is very thick

> EXAMINE ROOF

The roof is made of steel reinforced concrete and is very thick. There is a thermal fire detector on the roof.

> HIT DETECTOR

You can't reach!

> STACK CRATES

The crates are now stacked in an easily climbable pile.

> U

You are at roof level. There is a thermal fire detector here.

> HIT DETECTOR

With what?

> HIT DETECTOR WITH P1000

You hit the detector with your lifebook, partly to damage it and partly because getting a battery and recovery disks for it is proving to be such a royal pain to do.

The detector breaks and you feel slightly better about running XP on a machine with only 128M of memory.

> WAIT

Time passes. You have 4.5 hours of battery time remaining.

> WAIT

Time passes. You have 7 hours of battery life remaining.

> WAIT

Your P1000 switches off - possibly because the battery life has never worked properly with a dud battery or possibly because you used it as a hammer.

It's pitch dark, and you can't see a thing.

> WAIT

It's pitch dark, and you can't see a thing. You hear sounds outside the door.

> BANG ON DOOR

The sounds outside the door get much louder, as if someone were hitting it with a large axe.

> WAIT

The door is open, there is a fireman here.

> QUIT

"That was a lucky call," the fireman says to me as I exit through the wreckage of the door. Ordinarily we don't respond to sensor faults, but the monitoring company said that they'd had someone tampering with your company's config this morning so they wanted to be on the safe side."

"And I'm so pleased they did!" I say.

"Yeah, apparently the person who did the tampering did reset the service-mode switch, which trips an alarm after 4 hours."

"The service-mode switch you say?" I ask. "And how does one reset that then - not that I'd ever need to use it to isolate a room which I would subsequently lock my assistant into."

"Pardon?"

"Nothing, thanks again, and if you'll just excuse me I have to go and see my assistant..."

>F.E.A.R MODE ON!<

High performance access to file storage

More from The Register

next story
Seagate brings out 6TB HDD, did not need NO STEENKIN' SHINGLES
Or helium filling either, according to reports
European Court of Justice rips up Data Retention Directive
Rules 'interfering' measure to be 'invalid'
Dropbox defends fantastically badly timed Condoleezza Rice appointment
'Nothing is going to change with Dr. Rice's appointment,' file sharer promises
Cisco reps flog Whiptail's Invicta arrays against EMC and Pure
Storage reseller report reveals who's selling what
Just what could be inside Dropbox's new 'Home For Life'?
Biz apps, messaging, photos, email, more storage – sorry, did you think there would be cake?
IT bods: How long does it take YOU to train up on new tech?
I'll leave my arrays to do the hard work, if you don't mind
Amazon reveals its Google-killing 'R3' server instances
A mega-memory instance that never forgets
USA opposes 'Schengen cloud' Eurocentric routing plan
All routes should transit America, apparently
prev story

Whitepapers

Mainstay ROI - Does application security pay?
In this whitepaper learn how you and your enterprise might benefit from better software security.
Five 3D headsets to be won!
We were so impressed by the Durovis Dive headset we’ve asked the company to give some away to Reg readers.
3 Big data security analytics techniques
Applying these Big Data security analytics techniques can help you make your business safer by detecting attacks early, before significant damage is done.
The benefits of software based PBX
Why you should break free from your proprietary PBX and how to leverage your existing server hardware.
Mobile application security study
Download this report to see the alarming realities regarding the sheer number of applications vulnerable to attack, as well as the most common and easily addressable vulnerability errors.