Self abusing operators fail to offset emissions
Sort of NSFW, if you try hard
Letters Wikipedians have been illustrating some of the online encyclopedia's pages with some charming photography of things they made themselves . While it is always nice to see people being creative, we're not sure if home-made tosspots were strictly neccessary:
You obviously haven't had a chance to check out Ejaculate  on Wikipedia.
Nothing like watching a movie of some dumbass Wikipedian wanker (literally) splooge all over. It's impressive to see someone shoot without any physical stimulation but I guess anyone who is ejaculating for a wikipedia demonstration doesn't have intercourse too frequently. He's probably wacthing Linus Torvalds release the next version of the Linux kernel.
Jesus, if this is an encyclopedia I am a dignitary.
Even better than the semen pic - someone posed for a pearl necklace. Brave, I'd say.
(We'd say NSFW, just to make sure we don't get anyone fired.)
Very interesting story. I always suspected wiki was for wankers.
Whoever contributed that picture obviously never saw Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life", otherwise he'd treat his semen with more care...
Was it mere coincidence that the RSS feeder followed "Wikipedia semen shortage filled by User Generated Content" with "Palm's earnings slide"?
Best - Mark
Much as we'd love to claim otherwise, that was just one of those happy accidents you hear about.
The UK government has ditched plans  to put all our identities on one big database, saying that sticking with existing systems will help cut fraud and save money. Big Brother's little brother, indeed:
This is going to be fascinating to watch. No more clean database? Using existing databases and contents?
How is that going to work? I don't have a passport, nor a driving license so exactly what existing other databases are they thinking of? Other people may not pay tax, nor receive benefits. Using the Electoral Register or NHS records would be political suicide. What's left? The TV license database?
As for duplicate identities, doesn't the government yet understand that automated fingerprint (and iris) comparisons do _not_ compare the images, they compare a few distinct points of the fingerprint. To actually filter out real duplicate fingerprints in a 60 million entry database when new data is entered will take hours -- it won't be done. The only time such comparisons will be done will be where there is other evidence of a fraudulent entry.
So, wait, they're going to have 3+ databases instead and then try to link them all together... It's just asking for trouble. I think they're just trying to slowly decrease the scope of the ID cards - soon they'll drop the cards themselves, I hope, or make them optional...
It just sounds to me like somebody has learned how to do a cross-database join. As long as you have a single ID, it doesn't matter if you have a single database. *shrug*
Let me see, have I got this right? If there is any doubt at the airport as to who I am, they will phone my local Social Security office and ask the girl behind the plexiglass to confirm my identity? Bin Laden, your time has come!
Cool, so now terrorism has been fixed, is it safe for me to bring a bottle of water on the plane now?
We also brought you the news that Roger Duronio, a former sysadmin at a US bank was sentenced to almost eight years in chokey  for unleashing a logic bomb on the company's network and causing $3m damage. As well as being utterly unimpressed with his crime, you profess to recognise no Bofhesque characteristics in the man:
Duronio is not a BOFH, not by a long shot. Firstly, a true BOFH _always_ gets what he wants. Second, a true BOFH does not concern himself with how much the clueless manager is going to decide to give him, he cooks the books to get the amount HE decides he wants.
And finally, a true BOFH wil never _ever_ be stupid enough to go around declaring his intent - he knows that one should never have any witnesses (alive), nor should one leave any traces.
No, Duronio is not a BOFH, just a maroon who was sadly mistaken concerning his abilities to create havoc and get away with it. He now has eight years to meditate his next move, and no sympathy on my part.
You mean the BOFH isn't real?
He'd like you to think that...
I'm totally amazed at the utter stupidity of the guy. He was expecting $50K and *only* got $32K. No company I've ever worked for has ever honoured their bonus payment. Don't see me doing criminal damage.
"... was sentenced today to 97 months without parole ..."
Why 97 months and not "around 8 years"?
Regards A Pedant
Er...OK. See above.
We all learned that when things look too good to be true, it is because they probably are . Planting trees to offset carbon emissions? Not going to save the planet.
As the article said "...first thing we need to do is to burn less"
Well humans "burn" fuel (Tofu, or Cheeseburgers, take your pick). So to "burn less" we should starve, or something. So, all those starving people in out of the way places are helping global warming.
Of course something similar was already proposed as "A modest proposal" by someone else a few years ago (1729 as I look it up).
Hmmm. Time to put the beer glass down, perhaps?
Rather an unfair criticism, since the point of planting trees was to reduce atmospheric CO2 - seen as a major cause of global warming - not to directly reduce warming.
Bit like buying a dishwasher then complaining it didn't do your socks very well .
Shame about that carbon offsetting thing not working so well, because by the sound of a report from greenies at the Energy Saving Trust, we're going to need to do something, as the number of gadgets we buy  continues to climb:
How much power would be saved if all the hippies in the world just jumped off a cliff one day soon? I'm sure that'd buy the rest of us another 10 or 20 years and the real bonus is then we wouldn't even need to ignore them they just wouldn't be there!
If the USA isn't cutting output by any great margin, and China and India are only increasing their output of green house gasses wtf does it matter if I own a god damn plasma tv? Hippies should get with the program and live it up while they can, and one thing these people often miss is that there are two things human beings (well those in the northern hemisphere at least) are increadibly good at. That is A: fighting and B: coming up with ways to survive.
Browser compatibility issues plague and perplex people trying to use Virgin's GetMessage service 
as I write its currently working in firefox 2.0 but not IE6, the opposite of the main story ;o)
Well, not so much the opposite as exactly the point of the main story. But we'll let it pass, as it is nearly Christmas.
Since Internet Explorer is well-known to be less secure than Stalag 17, it appears on the face of things that Virgin Mobile desires to surreptitiously install malicious software on the computers of people attempting to download photos.
Is there any other valid reason for requiring the use of a major security hole?
I've been sending them moaning emails about GetMessage for ages. First time I tried it, it only worked on Firefox. Then it didn't work on either Firefox or IE after they "upgraded" it. Finally... I gave up.
Again, we consider the shocking possibility that strapping oneself to a rocket and heading for orbit is potentially risky  behaviour. The FAA sets out rules explaining just how informed of this space tourists need to be:
Frankly, I'd rather hop into space than on some bus trips I've been on. At uni, one particular driver was notorious for his aggressive driving. Of course, his attitude might have been made worse by 200 drunken students singing "You Fat B*stard" at him when he decided not to open his doors until we'd formed an orderly queue one evening. Fat chance. Peter
It occurs to me that anyone who considers that strapping themselves into SpaceShip One's successor is not a risky activity probably has more serious problems. Then again, lawyers have accepted The Bleedin' Obvious as an adequate defence for not passing on a warning, so I can understand why the FAA has mandated this.
Weird explosions a long way off have confused NASA scientists . You offer what we think is a decent explanation for hybrid gamma ray bursts:
I have a sneaky suspicion that these explosions are the results of terrible wars a long time ago in galaxies far far away. K.
Now this is why I love astronomy so much - there's always something new, something that the experts will cheerfully admit they have no idea how to explain.
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosphy."
Finally, you asked "How much did they pay you to plug their aural assault? 
Dear lord, even the 'after' clips made me want to hack my ears off with plastic safety scissors. My tone-deaf Great Aunt could produce better music than that, and she's been dead for 30 years.
Yours, shocked and appalled, Tom
Bill replies: I wish: I just had to suffer the indignity of trying the software myself, though at least there was no one else around at the time.
Considering my voice has been unfavorably compared to Jeremy Hardy's I thought the software did a remarkable job, though I would agree it still sounded terrible.
And on that note (geddit?) we will wish you a merry Christmas. Back with more of your letters in the new year. ®