Despite its carefully spun marketing conceit that it's the tech brand of choice of the young and groovy, Apple's strongest market is among pensioners according to research. Almost half of Apple's base is 55 and over, said analysts at MetaFacts. That's almost double the proportion of older users who bat for the IBM-compatible team.

But how can Apple avoid future Macworld Conferences looking like the Conservative Party Conference, roadblocked with shuffling retired colonels and anti-dancing campaigners named Edna?

Here's our three-step plan for jettisoning the older users and reclaiming the vanguard of designer tossery:

1. Jobs must ditch the black turtlenecks. They're far too reminiscent of a nice new vicar. A hoodie would be much less appealing to seniors.

2. Put all product demos and stock in Apple stores on the lowest available shelf. And turn off all heating.

3. Abandon the "designed by Apple in California" packaging. Replace with "designed by a Chinaman in China."

Et voila. You can have that for free, Apple strategy boutique.

Summing up, MetaFacts principal analyst Dan Ness said: "Apple can claim long-time loyalists, but its future among the young technoliterati is an interesting dynamic." Indeed. Now excuse us while we wash the taste of sick from our young technoliterary gob. ®