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EFF defeats Barney the Dinosaur

Victory at last

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

The EFF has successfully defended the owner of a web site ridiculing Barney the Dinosaur. Shysters representing the simpering mascot had demanded that webmaster Stuart Frankel cease and desist in giving the purple menace the negative publicity he so richly deserves.

Lyons Partnership, Barney's corporate masters, claimed that Frankel was violating their copyrights by mocking their profitable creation on line. But then the mighty EFF marshaled its legal beagles, and for once, they were able to prove fair use. Frankel is free to disparage the reprehensible reptile using his own likeness, slogans, and desultory ejaculations.

It's always good to see today's children's programming taking the abuse it deserves. Sesame Street, while uniquely intelligent, is a veritable snake pit of sexual perversions. One look at Big Bird's eyelashes, and you're ready for tender bestiality ("Rubber Duckie"), oral compulsions ("Eating Cookie"), group homosexuality (Bert, Ernie, and the Count in bed), and pedophilia ("kiss kiss, baby" Elmo). The Reverend Lou Sheldon needs to get involved.

Meanwhile, Bob the Builder is clearly some diabolical American plot to sell the idea of dead-end wage slavery to impressionable sprouts. And don't even get me started on Teletubbies. Most of these shows treat children as if they were basket cases - they actually teach stupidity. At times I scream, "They're children, not retards! Don't you people know the difference?"

I'm especially gratified to see Barney go down for the count, even if, metaphorically speaking, being conquered by the EFF is much like being bitten to death by a duck. I believe he's neurotoxic. I forbid my young son to watch the show, fearing that it will make him dull witted, or gay.

Incidentally, I don't permit him to play with dolls, either, even if they are branded as "action figures". I was given a GI Joe doll as a lad, but quickly, and wisely, lost interest in it. And you see how I turned out: perfectly heterosexual, except for the lightest of crushes on actors Andy Garcia and Johnny Depp. And maybe George Clooney and Russell Crowe too, but I'm not sure.

There were no GI Joes in tight leather jumpsuits or plush talking Barneys in my childhood. I did have a lot of regular stuffed animals, however, all which I loved deeply. None of them were purple or sang gay songs, I can assure you. They remained silent and stoic, even as I lined them up in bed for interrogations each week on prison camp night. There was no wheeney, whiney, pleading "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family" nonsense from them during their simulated water boardings and car-battery 'encouragements'. No sir. It's a harsh world, after all, but I like to think that I brought some joy and tough love into my little corner of it without Barney.

And thanks to the EFF's successful defense of free speech and contrary opinion, I'm confident that my son will learn to do the same. ®

Bonhomie Snoutintroff is a plain-spoken strong leader in cyberspace. He did poorly in school but his family is rich and well connected, so he's served as CEO of numerous, well-known Internet ventures that for various reasons unrelated to his forward-looking guidance no longer exist. He developed a cocaine and alcohol problem, although he refuses to dwell on the past: his mission is to bring honor and dignity to the IT profession. His keen insight as a global techno-visionary is matched only by his Christian humility.

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