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Queen's speech omits violent sex

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Comment The Queen delivered a speech designed to appease the sado masochistic lobby today with a raft of proposals to give people in uniforms more power to punish those boys and girls who get caught doing something naughty.

But she disappointed the naughtiest of all, who had been waiting on the edges of their seats for her to mention plans to ban extreme porn made at home by so many people who like a little pain and perversion. She didn't even say, sex, let alone, bestiality.

All we heard was a long list of ways in which the government wanted to put everyone else into bondage.

It's the same old story - one rule for those in power, pitiful subservience for everyone else. So the government was going to put "victims" at the heart of the criminal justice system, she said. Police and intelligence services would get more power, offenders would be "closely supervised", borders would be tightened, people would be banished, security would be enforced, terror would be fought.

Experienced masters and servants will know, however, that the Queen's omission of any direct threat of punishment and imprisonment was likely just a tease - don't fret, they'll be coming to get you too.

The privilege of power was also firmly demonstrated in the proposals that estate agents should go under the cosh. Politicians in this country think estate agents are unscrupulous and untrustworthy cads. This journalist thinks that's a fine example of the pot calling the kettle black.

At least our sock-braced leaders will still be able to purge their sins by having their balls rapped by kinky PVC maids so they can get back to the next bout of nuclear sabre rattling with a clear mind - they just won't be able to film it before long without getting arrested.

The rest of the speech was about reform - you name it, it's going to get better (things can only get better): justice, the public service, welfare, pensions, education, further education, embryology, planning, the House of Lords, local government - all were to be "reformed".

The NHS, as sick of reform as it is, will merely be "modernized", as the government has been attempting to do for the last four years with the tragic National Programme for IT.

While its at it, the government will seek peace in the Middle East, prevent nuclear proliferation, bridge the Atlantic and make the world's trade rules fair for poor people. Oh, and global warming will be averted, the mentally sick will be made normal.

Thanks, Liz. You can toodle off for tea now.

Oh, what's that? You and Philip are looking forward to your State Visit to the United States of America in May 2007 to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the Jamestown Settlement? And you're going on holiday to Uganda too?

That'll be nice for you, dear. Probably a good time to get out of the country, anyway.®

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