Feeds

Germany menaced by 50m insect

Mutant earwig rampages across Google Earth

Top three mobile application threats

Sharp-eyed Google Earth monitors have this morning alerted Vulture Central to the threat posed to humanity by a giant earwig which is as we speak rampaging its way across the German countryside:

50m earwig captured on Google Earth

Make no mistake, this is the mother of all earwigs, advancing southwestwards towards the sleepy hamlet of Arlesberg (off picture, bottom left):

The 50m earwig moves on Arlesberg

Close aerial analysis of Arlesberg shows that the agricultural community has dismally failed to prepare the standard defences against monster insect attack, as detailed in the 1959 US manual Swat and Survive: how to protect you family from mutant Soviet earwig apocalypse, viz:

  • Don't panic.
  • Hide under the stairs.
  • Keep a flamethrower close to hand, if you have one.
  • Keep a nuke-bearing stealth aircraft fuelled and armed, if you have one.
  • Do not attempt to advance single-handedly upon the insect army quoting passages from the bible. The Godless Communist hoards will simply dissolve you with their death ray.
  • Do not come out until you are told it is safe to do so, or your bratwurst supplies are exhausted, whichever comes sooner.

Sadly, since we can spot no stealth aircraft on standby around Arlesberg, we can only conclude that the next time we catch up with the village on Google Earth, it will have been reduced to smouldering rubble dotted with dazed, sobbing survivors. ®

The Essential Guide to IT Transformation

More from The Register

next story
BBC goes offline in MASSIVE COCKUP: Stephen Fry partly muzzled
Auntie tight-lipped as major outage rolls on
iPad? More like iFAD: We reveal why Apple ran off to IBM
But never fear fanbois, you're still lapping up iPhones, Macs
Nadella: Apps must run on ALL WINDOWS – PCs, slabs and mobes
Phone egg, meet desktop chicken - your mother
HP, Microsoft prove it again: Big Business doesn't create jobs
SMEs get lip service - what they need is dinner at the Club
ITC: Seagate and LSI can infringe Realtek patents because Realtek isn't in the US
Land of the (get off scot) free, when it's a foreign owner
Samsung threatens to cut ties with supplier over child labour allegations
Vows to uphold 'zero tolerance' policy on underage workers
Dude, you're getting a Dell – with BITCOIN: IT giant slurps cryptocash
1. Buy PC with Bitcoin. 2. Mine more coins. 3. Goto step 1
There's NOTHING on TV in Europe – American video DOMINATES
Even France's mega subsidies don't stop US content onslaught
You! Pirate! Stop pirating, or we shall admonish you politely. Repeatedly, if necessary
And we shall go about telling people you smell. No, not really
prev story

Whitepapers

Seven Steps to Software Security
Seven practical steps you can begin to take today to secure your applications and prevent the damages a successful cyber-attack can cause.
Consolidation: The Foundation for IT Business Transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.
Designing a Defense for Mobile Applications
Learn about the various considerations for defending mobile applications - from the application architecture itself to the myriad testing technologies.
Build a business case: developing custom apps
Learn how to maximize the value of custom applications by accelerating and simplifying their development.
Consolidation: the foundation for IT and business transformation
In this whitepaper learn how effective consolidation of IT and business resources can enable multiple, meaningful business benefits.