Feeds

Germany menaced by 50m insect

Mutant earwig rampages across Google Earth

The next step in data security

Sharp-eyed Google Earth monitors have this morning alerted Vulture Central to the threat posed to humanity by a giant earwig which is as we speak rampaging its way across the German countryside:

50m earwig captured on Google Earth

Make no mistake, this is the mother of all earwigs, advancing southwestwards towards the sleepy hamlet of Arlesberg (off picture, bottom left):

The 50m earwig moves on Arlesberg

Close aerial analysis of Arlesberg shows that the agricultural community has dismally failed to prepare the standard defences against monster insect attack, as detailed in the 1959 US manual Swat and Survive: how to protect you family from mutant Soviet earwig apocalypse, viz:

  • Don't panic.
  • Hide under the stairs.
  • Keep a flamethrower close to hand, if you have one.
  • Keep a nuke-bearing stealth aircraft fuelled and armed, if you have one.
  • Do not attempt to advance single-handedly upon the insect army quoting passages from the bible. The Godless Communist hoards will simply dissolve you with their death ray.
  • Do not come out until you are told it is safe to do so, or your bratwurst supplies are exhausted, whichever comes sooner.

Sadly, since we can spot no stealth aircraft on standby around Arlesberg, we can only conclude that the next time we catch up with the village on Google Earth, it will have been reduced to smouldering rubble dotted with dazed, sobbing survivors. ®

Choosing a cloud hosting partner with confidence

More from The Register

next story
Phones 4u slips into administration after EE cuts ties with Brit mobe retailer
More than 5,500 jobs could be axed if rescue mission fails
JINGS! Microsoft Bing called Scots indyref RIGHT!
Redmond sporran metrics get one in the ten ring
Driving with an Apple Watch could land you with a £100 FINE
Bad news for tech-addicted fanbois behind the wheel
Murdoch to Europe: Inflict MORE PAIN on Google, please
'Platform for piracy' must be punished, or it'll kill us in FIVE YEARS
Phones 4u website DIES as wounded mobe retailer struggles to stay above water
Founder blames 'ruthless network partners' for implosion
Found inside ISIS terror chap's laptop: CELINE DION tunes
REPORT: Stash of terrorist material found in Syria Dell box
Sony says year's losses will be FOUR TIMES DEEPER than thought
Losses of more than $2 BILLION loom over troubled Japanese corp
Bono: Apple will sort out monetising music where the labels failed
Remastered so hard it would be difficult or impossible to master it again
prev story

Whitepapers

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.
WIN a very cool portable ZX Spectrum
Win a one-off portable Spectrum built by legendary hardware hacker Ben Heck
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.