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Germany menaced by 50m insect

Mutant earwig rampages across Google Earth

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Sharp-eyed Google Earth monitors have this morning alerted Vulture Central to the threat posed to humanity by a giant earwig which is as we speak rampaging its way across the German countryside:

50m earwig captured on Google Earth

Make no mistake, this is the mother of all earwigs, advancing southwestwards towards the sleepy hamlet of Arlesberg (off picture, bottom left):

The 50m earwig moves on Arlesberg

Close aerial analysis of Arlesberg shows that the agricultural community has dismally failed to prepare the standard defences against monster insect attack, as detailed in the 1959 US manual Swat and Survive: how to protect you family from mutant Soviet earwig apocalypse, viz:

  • Don't panic.
  • Hide under the stairs.
  • Keep a flamethrower close to hand, if you have one.
  • Keep a nuke-bearing stealth aircraft fuelled and armed, if you have one.
  • Do not attempt to advance single-handedly upon the insect army quoting passages from the bible. The Godless Communist hoards will simply dissolve you with their death ray.
  • Do not come out until you are told it is safe to do so, or your bratwurst supplies are exhausted, whichever comes sooner.

Sadly, since we can spot no stealth aircraft on standby around Arlesberg, we can only conclude that the next time we catch up with the village on Google Earth, it will have been reduced to smouldering rubble dotted with dazed, sobbing survivors. ®

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

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