Feeds

Terrorists could attack aircraft with gel-filled bras

KY Jelly: al-Qaeda's new weapon of fear?

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

In the time-honoured Register tradition of offering terrorists top tips* on how to bring down airliners, we'd like this afternoon to draw al-Qaeda's attention to two possible ways of getting binary liquid explosives through security: gel-filled bras and KY Jelly.

Both, according to the US's Transport Security Administration list, are permitted items. Here's the full run-down:

Inclusion of gel-filled bras has a pretty simple explanation. They're commonly used as prosthetics for mastectomy patients, so there's a personal dignity issue here. Try this account of the indignity suffered by a 57-year-old cancer survivor en route to Majorca who was told that her "gel-filled breast would need to be checked in with baggage".

As for KY Jelly, well, we reckon it's pretty essential for those passengers wishing to enjoy a "mile-high lube job", but we think US officials should be aware that Jihadists could pack a standard tube with enough ricin to kill around four million guinea pigs. To put it in perspective, that's the equivalent of a six-foot-deep layer of dead guinea pigs covering an area the size of three football pitches. It's a chilling thought.

Closer inspection of the list raises further issues. It's to be applauded that mums are allowed to take a "small amount" of breast milk aboard, but we can only assume that if a heavily-lactating woman turned up at security, a specially-trained operative would be obliged to remove most of the milk from its containers. If any reader knows where we can apply for that job, please let us know.

And as for "bone marrow and blood products", try this:

Security operative: Good morning, sir. Are you carrying any bone marrow and blood products?
Passenger: Yes, quite a large amount of yellow and red bone marrow and around 10 pints of blood.
Security operative: Can you confirm that they're both for medical reasons?
Passenger: Yes, I'd be dead without them.
Security operative: Thank you, sir. You can keep the KY jelly, by the way, but I'm going to have to ask you to surrender the peanut butter and whipped cream. Have a nice day.

In summary, then: passengers should be on the lookout for shifty-looking foreign blokes, especially if they speak some funny Arab-sounding lingo, are wearing gel-filled bras and nervously fingering tubes of KY Jelly. The future of western civilisation may depend on your vigilance. ®

Bootnote

*Thomas C Greene's piece on triacetone triperoxide certainly didn't much impress one reader. Enjoy the invective here.

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
'Regin': The 'New Stuxnet' spook-grade SOFTWARE WEAPON described
'A degree of technical competence rarely seen'
You really need to do some tech support for Aunty Agnes
Free anti-virus software, expires, stops updating and p0wns the world
Regin: The super-spyware the security industry has been silent about
NSA fingered as likely source of complex malware family
You stupid BRICK! PCs running Avast AV can't handle Windows fixes
Fix issued, fingers pointed, forums in flames
Privacy bods offer GOV SPY VICTIMS a FREE SPYWARE SNIFFER
Looks for gov malware that evades most antivirus
Patch NOW! Microsoft slings emergency bug fix at Windows admins
Vulnerability promotes lusers to domain overlords ... oops
HACKERS can DELETE SURVEILLANCE DVRS remotely – report
Hikvision devices wide open to hacking, claim securobods
prev story

Whitepapers

Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
Getting started with customer-focused identity management
Learn why identity is a fundamental requirement to digital growth, and how without it there is no way to identify and engage customers in a meaningful way.
Driving business with continuous operational intelligence
Introducing an innovative approach offered by ExtraHop for producing continuous operational intelligence.
5 critical considerations for enterprise cloud backup
Key considerations when evaluating cloud backup solutions to ensure adequate protection security and availability of enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?