Feeds

Terrorists could attack aircraft with gel-filled bras

KY Jelly: al-Qaeda's new weapon of fear?

Protecting users from Firesheep and other Sidejacking attacks with SSL

In the time-honoured Register tradition of offering terrorists top tips* on how to bring down airliners, we'd like this afternoon to draw al-Qaeda's attention to two possible ways of getting binary liquid explosives through security: gel-filled bras and KY Jelly.

Both, according to the US's Transport Security Administration list, are permitted items. Here's the full run-down:

Inclusion of gel-filled bras has a pretty simple explanation. They're commonly used as prosthetics for mastectomy patients, so there's a personal dignity issue here. Try this account of the indignity suffered by a 57-year-old cancer survivor en route to Majorca who was told that her "gel-filled breast would need to be checked in with baggage".

As for KY Jelly, well, we reckon it's pretty essential for those passengers wishing to enjoy a "mile-high lube job", but we think US officials should be aware that Jihadists could pack a standard tube with enough ricin to kill around four million guinea pigs. To put it in perspective, that's the equivalent of a six-foot-deep layer of dead guinea pigs covering an area the size of three football pitches. It's a chilling thought.

Closer inspection of the list raises further issues. It's to be applauded that mums are allowed to take a "small amount" of breast milk aboard, but we can only assume that if a heavily-lactating woman turned up at security, a specially-trained operative would be obliged to remove most of the milk from its containers. If any reader knows where we can apply for that job, please let us know.

And as for "bone marrow and blood products", try this:

Security operative: Good morning, sir. Are you carrying any bone marrow and blood products?
Passenger: Yes, quite a large amount of yellow and red bone marrow and around 10 pints of blood.
Security operative: Can you confirm that they're both for medical reasons?
Passenger: Yes, I'd be dead without them.
Security operative: Thank you, sir. You can keep the KY jelly, by the way, but I'm going to have to ask you to surrender the peanut butter and whipped cream. Have a nice day.

In summary, then: passengers should be on the lookout for shifty-looking foreign blokes, especially if they speak some funny Arab-sounding lingo, are wearing gel-filled bras and nervously fingering tubes of KY Jelly. The future of western civilisation may depend on your vigilance. ®

Bootnote

*Thomas C Greene's piece on triacetone triperoxide certainly didn't much impress one reader. Enjoy the invective here.

The next step in data security

More from The Register

next story
Israeli spies rebel over mass-snooping on innocent Palestinians
'Disciplinary treatment will be sharp and clear' vow spy-chiefs
Infosec geniuses hack a Canon PRINTER and install DOOM
Internet of Stuff securo-cockups strike yet again
THREE QUARTERS of Android mobes open to web page spy bug
Metasploit module gobbles KitKat SOP slop
'Speargun' program is fantasy, says cable operator
We just might notice if you cut our cables
Apple Pay is a tidy payday for Apple with 0.15% cut, sources say
Cupertino slurps 15 cents from every $100 purchase
YouTube, Amazon and Yahoo! caught in malvertising mess
Cisco says 'Kyle and Stan' attack is spreading through compromised ad networks
Hackers pop Brazil newspaper to root home routers
Step One: try default passwords. Step Two: Repeat Step One until success
Greater dev access to iOS 8 will put us AT RISK from HACKERS
Knocking holes in Apple's walled garden could backfire, says securo-chap
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.
Security and trust: The backbone of doing business over the internet
Explores the current state of website security and the contributions Symantec is making to help organizations protect critical data and build trust with customers.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.