Feeds

Terrorists could attack aircraft with gel-filled bras

KY Jelly: al-Qaeda's new weapon of fear?

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

In the time-honoured Register tradition of offering terrorists top tips* on how to bring down airliners, we'd like this afternoon to draw al-Qaeda's attention to two possible ways of getting binary liquid explosives through security: gel-filled bras and KY Jelly.

Both, according to the US's Transport Security Administration list, are permitted items. Here's the full run-down:

Inclusion of gel-filled bras has a pretty simple explanation. They're commonly used as prosthetics for mastectomy patients, so there's a personal dignity issue here. Try this account of the indignity suffered by a 57-year-old cancer survivor en route to Majorca who was told that her "gel-filled breast would need to be checked in with baggage".

As for KY Jelly, well, we reckon it's pretty essential for those passengers wishing to enjoy a "mile-high lube job", but we think US officials should be aware that Jihadists could pack a standard tube with enough ricin to kill around four million guinea pigs. To put it in perspective, that's the equivalent of a six-foot-deep layer of dead guinea pigs covering an area the size of three football pitches. It's a chilling thought.

Closer inspection of the list raises further issues. It's to be applauded that mums are allowed to take a "small amount" of breast milk aboard, but we can only assume that if a heavily-lactating woman turned up at security, a specially-trained operative would be obliged to remove most of the milk from its containers. If any reader knows where we can apply for that job, please let us know.

And as for "bone marrow and blood products", try this:

Security operative: Good morning, sir. Are you carrying any bone marrow and blood products?
Passenger: Yes, quite a large amount of yellow and red bone marrow and around 10 pints of blood.
Security operative: Can you confirm that they're both for medical reasons?
Passenger: Yes, I'd be dead without them.
Security operative: Thank you, sir. You can keep the KY jelly, by the way, but I'm going to have to ask you to surrender the peanut butter and whipped cream. Have a nice day.

In summary, then: passengers should be on the lookout for shifty-looking foreign blokes, especially if they speak some funny Arab-sounding lingo, are wearing gel-filled bras and nervously fingering tubes of KY Jelly. The future of western civilisation may depend on your vigilance. ®

Bootnote

*Thomas C Greene's piece on triacetone triperoxide certainly didn't much impress one reader. Enjoy the invective here.

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
George Clooney, WikiLeaks' lawyer wife hand out burner phones to wedding guests
Day 4: 'News'-papers STILL rammed with Clooney nuptials
Shellshock: 'Larger scale attack' on its way, warn securo-bods
Not just web servers under threat - though TENS of THOUSANDS have been hit
Apple's new iPhone 6 vulnerable to last year's TouchID fingerprint hack
But unsophisticated thieves need not attempt this trick
PEAK IPV4? Global IPv6 traffic is growing, DDoS dying, says Akamai
First time the cache network has seen drop in use of 32-bit-wide IP addresses
Oracle SHELLSHOCKER - data titan lists unpatchables
Database kingpin lists 32 products that can't be patched (yet) as GNU fixes second vuln
Who.is does the Harlem Shake
Blame it on LOLing XSS terroristas
Researchers tell black hats: 'YOU'RE SOOO PREDICTABLE'
Want to register that domain? We're way ahead of you.
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Storage capacity and performance optimization at Mizuno USA
Mizuno USA turn to Tegile storage technology to solve both their SAN and backup issues.
The next step in data security
With recent increased privacy concerns and computers becoming more powerful, the chance of hackers being able to crack smaller-sized RSA keys increases.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
A strategic approach to identity relationship management
ForgeRock commissioned Forrester to evaluate companies’ IAM practices and requirements when it comes to customer-facing scenarios versus employee-facing ones.