Feeds

Poetry in slow motion

A Betjeman fan challenges the current laureate

Remote control for virtualized desktops

Pluto

Pluto:
    Defrocked planet,
    Terror of the underworld,
    Prefix to pluto-nium,
    Mickey Mouse's dog.

One cannot help but feel
It is not a lucky name.

Ode to the hourglass cursor

This is my new system, the latest!
I got it just two months ago.
Its software I'm told is the greatest,
So how come the sod runs so slow?

Apols for my impatient manner:
Explorer's gone off for its tea.
It likes to say "Hi" to the scanner
And check that there's still no drive B:.

I'm staring at Visio's splashscreen -
I clicked on a drawing in Word -
Yet still the main window is unseen.
Is this not just completely absurd?

I've put patch upon patch on this PC.
I've even indulged Acrobat.
But still it is sluggish and wheezy.
So what is the reason for that?

My Outlook is now quite appalling.
Both Opera and Firefox are bad.
There's only one app that's not stalling
But I can't browse the web with Textpad.

A virus, you think? Well, I doubt it.
I'm firewalled and NAT'ed to hell.
And anyway Sophos would clout it,
And McAfee runs weekends as well.

I thought that it might be a reg hive.
I 'decobwebbed' and checked as one should.
I'm even defragging my hard drive
(Though that never does any good).

Ten seconds it took in the DOS days:
Just turn up and turn on and boot.
And after two decades of upgrades
What gains have I seen for my loot?

This is my new system, the latest!
I got it just two months ago.
Its software I'm told is the greatest,
So how come the sod runs so slow?

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Next page: A4 sheet 3

More from The Register

next story
Euro Parliament VOTES to BREAK UP GOOGLE. Er, OK then
It CANNA do it, captain.They DON'T have the POWER!
Download alert: Nearly ALL top 100 Android, iOS paid apps hacked
Attack of the Clones? Yeah, but much, much scarier – report
NSA SOURCE CODE LEAK: Information slurp tools to appear online
Now you can run your own intelligence agency
Post-Microsoft, post-PC programming: The portable REVOLUTION
Code jockeys: count up and grab your fabulous tablets
Twitter App Graph exposes smartphone spyware feature
You don't want everyone to compile app lists from your fondleware? BAD LUCK
Microsoft adds video offering to Office 365. Oh NOES, you'll need Adobe Flash
Lovely presentations... but not on your Flash-hating mobe
prev story

Whitepapers

Free virtual appliance for wire data analytics
The ExtraHop Discovery Edition is a free virtual appliance will help you to discover the performance of your applications across the network, web, VDI, database, and storage tiers.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
How to determine if cloud backup is right for your servers
Two key factors, technical feasibility and TCO economics, that backup and IT operations managers should consider when assessing cloud backup.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Business security measures using SSL
Examines the major types of threats to information security that businesses face today and the techniques for mitigating those threats.