Microsoft has been persuaded to install a panic button in UK editions of Messenger, enabling every crackpot and prankster to distract police with claims that online sexual predators are pursuing them. A mere mouse click will alert the authorities that an online sex offender has been discovered.

Child-protective hysterics from the UK's Child Exploitation and Online Protection Center (CEOP) are responsible for the bold new public safety strategy.

"Behind the 'report abuse' button will sit police and intelligence officers who have been specially trained to tackle child sex abuse. We will tell you how to capture information and how to seize online discussions and then proactively do all we can to track down the perpetrator," he explained.

With the public thus deputized in Her Majesty's Sex Crime Corps, we can anticipate a satisfying increase in the number of perverts discovered. Indeed, it wouldn't surprise us to learn that the number will soon exceed the UK population by an order of magnitude. ®

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