Feeds

Nuclear Apocalypse milder than expected

Back to the Ouija board

Build a business case: developing custom apps

Update The Register is pleasantly surprised to learn that humanity continues to muddle along after a leading Islamic scholar predicted its abrupt destruction on 22 August.

Academician Bernard Lewis, a specialist in Middle-Eastern culture and politics, and one of Dick Cheney's favorite thinkers, appeared to have it all worked out in an op-ed piece published by the Wall Street Journal. After a careful reading of scripture, and a bit of arithmetic, Lewis was able to determine the ideal day for Iran to nuke Israel, initiating the atomic Armageddon that we've all been worrying about.

Iran was expected to ignite World War III on the anniversary of the prophet Muhammad's journey to Heaven, which this year fell on 22 August. Oddly, the Iranians seem to have had other things on their minds, and marked the occasion with an overture toward negotiating with the West over their controversial nuclear weapons research and development program.

Of course, it's entirely possible that the professor misplaced a decimal point somewhere along the way, and that the Apocalypse is still being arranged for some equally important but perhaps less pleasant occasion in the Islamic calendar.

The predictions business can be tricky, as everyone knows (The Simpsons' episode "Thank God It's Doomsday" illustrates this nicely, as Homer needs two attempts at calculating the end of the world).

We will of course continue to bring our readers all breaking news regarding the end of civilisation. We regret to remind those who bought Gulfstreams, Lamborghinis, etc., on the strength of Professor Lewis's prior prediction, that they're liable for payments until the debt is satisfied or Armageddon commences, whichever comes first. ®

Build a business case: developing custom apps

More from The Register

next story
Assange™: Hey world, I'M STILL HERE, ignore that Snowden guy
Press conference: ME ME ME ME ME ME ME (cont'd pg 94)
Premier League wants to PURGE ALL FOOTIE GIFs from social media
Not paying Murdoch? You're gonna get a right LEGALLING - thanks to automated software
Online tat bazaar eBay coughs to YET ANOTHER outage
Web-based flea market struck dumb by size and scale of fail
Amazon takes swipe at PayPal, Square with card reader for mobes
Etailer plans to undercut rivals with low transaction fee offer
US regulators OK sale of IBM's x86 server biz to Lenovo
Now all that remains is for gov't offices to ban the boxes
XBOX One will learn to play media from USB and DLNA sources
Hang on? Aren't those file formats you hardly ever see outside torrents?
Class war! Wikipedia's workers revolt again
Bourgeois paper-shufflers have 'suspended democracy', sniff unpaid proles
'Aaaah FFS, 'amazeballs' has made it into the OXFORD DICTIONARY'
Plus: 'EE, how shocking, ANOTHER problem I face with your service'
prev story

Whitepapers

Endpoint data privacy in the cloud is easier than you think
Innovations in encryption and storage resolve issues of data privacy and key requirements for companies to look for in a solution.
Implementing global e-invoicing with guaranteed legal certainty
Explaining the role local tax compliance plays in successful supply chain management and e-business and how leading global brands are addressing this.
Top 8 considerations to enable and simplify mobility
In this whitepaper learn how to successfully add mobile capabilities simply and cost effectively.
Solving today's distributed Big Data backup challenges
Enable IT efficiency and allow a firm to access and reuse corporate information for competitive advantage, ultimately changing business outcomes.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.