USB missile launches detected on multiple fronts

W
Would now be a good time to mention that I've been secretly assembling a directed electromagnetic pulse weapon from the spare computer parts in the stationary cupboard? And before the East Wingians point out that they supply our servers, I think now is the time to reveal the West Wing contingency plan: the pathetic dial-up machine is actually a FULLY FUNCTIONAL DEATH ST- er... broadband hub, I mean.
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W
They may have control over the servers but we house them, it is us with the control of the power sockets!
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W And more importantly tea and coffee making facilities!
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E
Aren't you the North side of the West Wing? Have you forged an alliance with the South side?
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W
They are trying to divide us but we are a united front.

Kettle embargo!
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W
And the coffee machine and the fridge with ice cream, and the fruit!
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E
Ladies and Gentlemen. Citizens. We regret to inform you that, as of 15:18 this afternoon we were forced to launch an all out strike on Corporal Dave of the West Wing in reaction for his provocative firing of a weapon into an empty space of land in East Wing territory.

All Citizens of the East Wing are hereby ordered into high alert, and lightsabers must be kept with you at all times.
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W
Following the attack of one of our own citizens in neutral territory, the West have been forced to take hostages to ensure the saftey of our citizens in the UN sanctioned Corridor of Neutrality.

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E
What you've missed is the explosive suicide headband that one of the penguins is wearing.
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W Fool! That is not a head-band, it is his blind-fold; he will be the first to be executed following the next transgression against one of our citizens.
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E
Corporal Dave is not a citizen but a soldier, therefore under the rules of war, we can shoot the crap out of him...
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E
Some of us are thirsty, can you guarantee safe passage to the kitchen as well as an escort?
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W
We shall treat your citizens in our territory the same way you would treat one of ours on your turf. Given your human rights record to date, this may not be a favourable situation for them to be in.

Anyway, our records show that you have your own stocks of water and indeed a water cooler; it is not the view of the West that humanitarian aid is needed at this juncture.
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E
Breaking News

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W
Pah!!! Those Easterners are interested only in alcohol - it was there drinking that started this dispute many emails ago!!!
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E
Please find attached the rescue plan for our hostages. It goes without saying that the West Wing must never see this, or the operation will inevitably end in disaster.
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W
Citizens of the West

Following the constant sabre rattling culminating in the assault upon citizen Dave in the UN Neutral Corridor, the West has been left little choice other than to invest heavily in defensive research. Today saw the first test firing of the 'oversized blow dart' defence missile system; the launch was a complete success as have been subsequent test launches.

With its capacity for a heavy payload, this missile system should see the defence of the West secured for generations to come. Citizens of the West are invited to submit plans for weaponisation of the 'feather duster' launch projectile in the form of warheads weighing in under 100g. Needle and blade systems are permitted but area effect payloads are preferable. Explosive payloads are encouraged but plans for chemical, biological or nuclear systems will only be accepted via the 'brown-paper-package-in-a-public-bin' tender method as outlined in the Citizenship Guidelines Manual.

It is our opinion that the 'rescue' plan recently leaked from the East's defence ministry is nothing more than a cheap propaganda exercise designed to pacify the Penguin minorities of the East; our analysts believe that these plans constitute no risk to the sovereign territory or the citizens of the West. Nevertheless, we shall take this opportunity to benefit you by increasing security and further eroding civil liberties.

Thank you for your attention.

Chris Dugdale, West Wing President