Feeds

USB missile launches detected on multiple fronts

Yes, it's WAR!

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

Updated What have we done? Today, we began receiving sporadic reports of the outbreak of hostilities between rival factions within the nation's offices and workplaces, all following our coverage of the USB missile launcher gizmo yesterday.

Reg Hardware, is seems, may have contributed to a major dip in the country's productivity as workers down tools and start firing small, foam rockets at each other. Entire departments are believed to have become mired in conflict.

Update

And we're now getting word of a dramatic escalation in the USB missile launcher arms race. Many Bothans died getting us these images of a USB webcam-augmented USB missile launcher.

usb missile launcher hostilities unfold

Intelligence suggests these fearsome new weapons are the product of notorious munitions boffin David Willis.

Meanwhile, a rogue faction of Linux programmers led by one Scott Weston have hijacked a number of missile deployment units. Alas, they made a classic blunder, communicating the details of their plot and methodology in webpage form.

Thanks to the international man of mystery known only as 'Geoff' for this item.

Update ends

We received this bulletin from the front line this morning. It is typical of the many reports we are currently receiving:

Due to rapid growth, our company offices are split down the middle by a public corridor; this has resulted in a 'west wing' and and 'east wing'. There have been concerns of a 'them and us' culture developing, but recent events have accelerated this beyond measure....

Comments from the West Wing are denoted with W and East with an E.

W
At last WMD in an achievable price range!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E
It makes no mention of range. Is it a short-range or long-range intra-office balistic missile system?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

W
Good point. I'm assuming that it will go further than North Korea's little effort although I don't know if it has cross-corridor capabilities
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E
Does this mean the start of an inter-corridor arms race? We need to start preparing our defences (elastic band launchers and kamikaze stuffed penguins)...

Now where is my tin hat?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

W
I think this talk of 'arms races' and 'band launchers' is counter productive to the fragile peace that exists across our borders. This sabre-rattling about penguins only seeks to undermine the Pub-Lunch Initiatives and the Waterfront Pizza Non-Proliferation Treaty.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E
I went to the pub for lunch, yet no member of the West wing was there. This snub sees my preparing for full scale conflict.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

W
How can delegates attend something to which they were not invited?

This is typical of the East's attitude and nothing more than a continuation of long line of calculated diplomatic faux-pas designed to increase tensions between us. For example, the increasing laxity of the East's research delegation in attending pre-arranged meetings designed to build bridges between our great nations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E
I'm sorry, but if you can't be bothered to take an interest in local affairs, that's your own lookout. Energize the demolition beam. I don't know. Apathetic bloody office. I have no sympathy at all.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E
This is an official statement from the newly formed East Wing Ministry of Defence.

A spate of comunications were intercepted during Thursday 6th July discussing armament and inter-office conflict. These communications initiated within the West Wing, and are viewed by the East Wing Government as a clear indication of West Wing aggression.

The East Wing believes this aggression to be a direct threat to our peaceful way of life, and a clear evidence of the Evil that resides within the West Wing. In the interests of preserving democracy for the free peoples of the office, the East Wing has sought access to West Wing installations for our approved weapons inspectors. This access has not been granted, and it is now clear that the West Wing is hiding an advanced and deadly inter-office weapons programme.

Subsequently, the East Wing Government feels that we are left with no choice but to launch a pre-emptive strike in defence of all that is good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

W
The contents of our cupboards is our own business, but we would willingly grant access to these facilities in return for similar access to the cupboards of the East.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E
We are not fooled by your request. Clearly you wish to acquire our peace-keeping technology to use it for your own non-peaceful, aggressive and evil means.

I think that the security of our wind [sic] would be compromised both by allowing access to our cupboards and by the West Wing's refusal to grant us allocated, UN-authorised, inspector access to the stationary cupboard. We can only take this time wasting move by the West Wing as a further sign of proposed action against our Wing.

I believe this was not an act of desperation, but an act of asymmetrical warfare waged against us.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

W
Just how secure is your wind?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

E
It is extremely secure, but the threat from the West Wing should not be under-emphasised. The escape of critical peace-keeping chemical weapons which could follow a sustained terrorist attack could seriously deplete our ability to respond.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

More from The Register

next story
Will.i.am gets CUFFED as he announces his new wristjob, the PULS
It's got four KILOWATTS of something, apparently
Don't wait for that big iPad, order a NEXUS 9 instead, industry little bird says
Google said to debut next big slab, Android L ahead of Apple event
Netscape Navigator - the browser that started it all - turns 20
It was 20 years ago today, Marc Andreeesen taught the band to play
A drone of one's own: Reg buyers' guide for UAV fanciers
Hardware: Check. Software: Huh? Licence: Licence...?
Jaguar Sportbrake: The chicken tikka masala of van-sized posh cars
Indian-owned Jag's latest offering curries favour with us
iPhone 6 shunned by fanbois in Apple's GREAT FAIL of CHINA
Just 100 Beijing fanbois queue to pick up new mobe
The Apple launch AS IT HAPPENED: Totally SERIOUS coverage, not for haters
Fandroids, Windows Phone fringe-oids – you wouldn't understand
Here's your chance to buy an ancient, working APPLE ONE
Warning: Likely to cost a lot even for a Mac
Is living with Dolby Atmos worth the faff?
Subtle, naturalistic ambiance – perfect for Transformers 4
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Win a year’s supply of chocolate
There is no techie angle to this competition so we're not going to pretend there is, but everyone loves chocolate so who cares.
Why cloud backup?
Combining the latest advancements in disk-based backup with secure, integrated, cloud technologies offer organizations fast and assured recovery of their critical enterprise data.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Saudi Petroleum chooses Tegile storage solution
A storage solution that addresses company growth and performance for business-critical applications of caseware archive and search along with other key operational systems.