You have to admire Volkswagen: while the French motor industry and national rival BMW are still feebly denying they are already controlled by the Lizard Alliance - despite chilling evidence to the contrary - the Wolfsburg tentacle (http://www.volkswagen.co.uk/company/wolfsburg) of the German manufacturer has decided to cut literally to the chase and scrap even the merest pretence that you are in control of your shiny new automobile.

Active neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) members already know the terrifying dangers of simply looking sideways at a modern car without first charging up your plasma pulse assault rifle - 125mph white-knuckle terror ordeals (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/03/18/renault_laguna_terror_ordeal/), breakdancing killer Citroëns (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/02/22/killer_citroen/) and self-destructing satanic BMWs (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/13/satanic_bmw/).

Of course, the brilliance of the plan is that you believe you are driving the car, when it is in fact simply allowing you to indulge yourself while it waits for an opportune moment to lock the victim out of the vehicle's computerised control systems, hit the gas, and launch a merciless attack (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/10/07/satanic_renault/) on Europe's motorway system.

Now, however, Volkswagen is offering those resigned to the seemingly inevitable outcome of The Rise of the Machines™ - the complete subjugation of humanity and its hideous enslavement to the CyberDyson Corporation (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/12/24/killer_dyson/) - the chance to get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible: the self-driving VW Golf GTi.

According to The Daily Mail, the souped-up Golf deploys "electronic 'eyes' that use radar and laser sensors in the grille to 'read' the road and send the details back to its computer brain", while a sat-nav system "tracks its exact position with pin-point precision to within an inch".

It gets worse: "On a race circuit, it drove itself faster and more precisely than the VW engineers could manage - and can accelerate independently up to its top speed of 150mph," the Mail notes with admiration*.

A Lizard Army spokesreptile declared via a Volkswagen subordinate: "It really is a self-driving Golf. It steers, brakes and accelerates. And it races through handling courses independently. It can accomplish this at full performance and at the limits of its capabilities."

Enough. Suffice it to add that Volkwagen has dubbed its mephistophelean suicide vehicle "53 + 1" in honour of the number carried by veteran Love Bug "Herbie". As the Book of Revelation states: "Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a reptilian Teutonic automobile; and its number is twoscore and ten and three. Plus one." ®

Bootnote

*That The Daily Mail considers the self-driving Golf a great step forward comes as no surprise to us in the NRA bunker who have been monitoring its editorial contribution to The Rise of the Machines™ for some time.

Indeed, so panic-stricken has Middle England become at lurid tales of alcopop-crazed teen tearaways clubbing decorated war veterans with stolen mobile phones while dole-scrounging Albanian asylum seekers barbecue swans at the taxpayers' expense, that it is totally unaware that it is in fact murderous cyberloos (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2001/04/17/hitech_toilet_swallows_woman/) and self-combusting DVD players (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/01/12/flaming_dvds/) which pose the real threat to our Sceptred Isle.

The Rise of the Machines™

Police arrest satanic BMW victim (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/06/20/bmw_driver_arrest/)
Iraq grunts mourn loss of robot comrade (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/05/25/robot_comrade/)
Bendy bus attacks Leeds cake shop (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/04/25/bendy_bus_attack/)
Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/04/20/warwick_dalek/)
Man survives satanic BMW crash-and-burn (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/13/satanic_bmw/)
Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/02/15/freeview_transmission/)
Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/11/04/black_helicopter_hybrid/)
NRA probes Japanese sex android (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/08/26/japanese_cyberminx/)
Androids launch minicab firm (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/07/15/android_minicab_firm/)
Beware the breast-examining hand of death (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/07/13/breat_examining_robot/)
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/07/13/mech_menaces_ebay/)
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/06/06/vampire_robonurses/)
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/05/17/warwick_on_cnn/)
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/05/13/cornell_apocalypse_cube/)
Sex android begats Armageddon machine (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/04/22/android_begats_armageddon_machine/)
Man executes Chrysler (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/04/21/man_executes_chrysler/)
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/03/24/man_eating_cyberloo/)
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/03/18/renault_laguna_terror_ordeal/)
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/03/14/fire_breathing_buses_reattack/)
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/03/11/self_replicating_hoover/)
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/03/08/arm_wrestling_teen/)
French join motorised Lizard Alliance (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/02/22/killer_citroen/)
Lizard Army develops copulating robot (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/02/11/copulating_robot/)
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/02/09/cuddly_menace/)
Lizard Army invades Alaska (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/01/27/lizard_army_atacks_scotland/)
London menaced by flaming DVD players (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/01/12/flaming_dvds/)
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/12/24/killer_dyson/)
Car self-destructs in assassination bid (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/12/17/car_self_destructs/)
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/12/16/rat_brained_android/)
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/03/11/japanese_unveil_trumpetplaying_robot/)
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/11/15/robotic_cockroach/)
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/10/13/girl_terminates_atm/)
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/10/07/satanic_renault/)
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/06/28/satanic_cyberappliances/)
US develops motorised robobollard (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/04/29/motorised_robobollard/)
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/04/22/cyberloo_kidnaps_kiddie/)
A robot in every home by 2010 (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/04/01/a_robot_in_every_home/)
Cyberappliances attack Italian village (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/02/11/cyberappliances_attack_italian_village/)
Fire-breathing buses threaten London (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/03/24/firebreathing_buses_threaten_london/)
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/02/10/cyberloo_blast_rocks_stokeontrent/)
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2003/12/11/spanish_cyberkiosks_claim_second_victim/)
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2003/12/08/cyberkiosk_assaults_spanish_teenager/)
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2001/04/19/hitech_toilet_caught_on_camera/)
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman (http://www.theregister.co.uk/2001/04/17/hitech_toilet_swallows_woman/)