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Volkswagen unleashes 150mph self-driving car

Lizard Alliance vehicle of death

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You have to admire Volkswagen: while the French motor industry and national rival BMW are still feebly denying they are already controlled by the Lizard Alliance - despite chilling evidence to the contrary - the Wolfsburg tentacle of the German manufacturer has decided to cut literally to the chase and scrap even the merest pretence that you are in control of your shiny new automobile.

Active neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) members already know the terrifying dangers of simply looking sideways at a modern car without first charging up your plasma pulse assault rifle - 125mph white-knuckle terror ordeals, breakdancing killer Citroëns and self-destructing satanic BMWs.

Of course, the brilliance of the plan is that you believe you are driving the car, when it is in fact simply allowing you to indulge yourself while it waits for an opportune moment to lock the victim out of the vehicle's computerised control systems, hit the gas, and launch a merciless attack on Europe's motorway system.

Now, however, Volkswagen is offering those resigned to the seemingly inevitable outcome of The Rise of the Machines™ - the complete subjugation of humanity and its hideous enslavement to the CyberDyson Corporation - the chance to get it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible: the self-driving VW Golf GTi.

According to The Daily Mail, the souped-up Golf deploys "electronic 'eyes' that use radar and laser sensors in the grille to 'read' the road and send the details back to its computer brain", while a sat-nav system "tracks its exact position with pin-point precision to within an inch".

It gets worse: "On a race circuit, it drove itself faster and more precisely than the VW engineers could manage - and can accelerate independently up to its top speed of 150mph," the Mail notes with admiration*.

A Lizard Army spokesreptile declared via a Volkswagen subordinate: "It really is a self-driving Golf. It steers, brakes and accelerates. And it races through handling courses independently. It can accomplish this at full performance and at the limits of its capabilities."

Enough. Suffice it to add that Volkwagen has dubbed its mephistophelean suicide vehicle "53 + 1" in honour of the number carried by veteran Love Bug "Herbie". As the Book of Revelation states: "Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a reptilian Teutonic automobile; and its number is twoscore and ten and three. Plus one." ®

Bootnote

*That The Daily Mail considers the self-driving Golf a great step forward comes as no surprise to us in the NRA bunker who have been monitoring its editorial contribution to The Rise of the Machines™ for some time.

Indeed, so panic-stricken has Middle England become at lurid tales of alcopop-crazed teen tearaways clubbing decorated war veterans with stolen mobile phones while dole-scrounging Albanian asylum seekers barbecue swans at the taxpayers' expense, that it is totally unaware that it is in fact murderous cyberloos and self-combusting DVD players which pose the real threat to our Sceptred Isle.

The Rise of the Machines™

Police arrest satanic BMW victim
Iraq grunts mourn loss of robot comrade
Bendy bus attacks Leeds cake shop
Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability
Man survives satanic BMW crash-and-burn
Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet
Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter
NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

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