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Germans gun down rampaging bear

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State authorities in Bavaria have shot dead a brown bear which had become the country's first wild sighting since 1835.

Bruno crossed the Alpine border from Austria in May, and was at first greeted with "we have nothing to fear" complacency from wildlife agents. The 220lb bear, aiming to fatten up for its winter hibernation, predictably went on a sheep binge, leading panicked farmers into calls for a government assassination.

Only last week, the BBC reported that Bruno had staged a daring escape from a pack of specialist Finnish hunting dogs drafted in to corner him.

Unfortunately for the mutton-loving beast, the plan had been to dart and forcibly repatriate him. Instead, Bruno's would-be captors decided to allow hunters to put a bullet in him, in an act of outright Teutonic aggression which can only serve to further enrage the world's bear population.

The RZSL™ bunker, which had been restocking munitions and briefing field agents in preparation for the resumption of hostilities at the end of the World Cup, has been scrambled back up to DEFCON 3 on the news.

A top-level communiqué has been sent to all keepers of mixed bear and monkey enclosures warning special vigilance when bears are seen loitering in groups of more than two. And possibly to turn off the electric fence. ®

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