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Police arrest satanic BMW victim

Lizard Alliance attempt to silence witness?

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The driver who claimed his satanic BMW had subjected him to an involuntary, 60-mile, 135mph terror ride was later arrested and bailed "on suspicion of dangerous driving", it has emerged.

Kevin Nicolle was at the helm of his Beemer 318 when the car took off of its own accord, the BBC reports. He explained: "I was travelling down the motorway and I came to traffic in front of me. I took my foot off the accelerator because it's automatic - but I wasn't slowing down at all.

"I hit the brakes. They were braking ok, they were keeping me at about 70mph. So I phoned up the police after I called the AA and they said straight away 'stick your hazard lights on and headlights on - we've got a helicopter en route to you'."

Nicolle unsucsessfully attempted to put the car into neutral, at which point the brakes started to burn out. Approaching a roundabout near Blyth he saw there were "a load of cars parked waiting to go onto the roundabout, so I went on the inside on the hard shoulder to try to get around it.

"But doing that sort of speed there was no chance and I hit the roundabout head on. I remember the 999 lady saying 'he's crashed'."

The BMW then covered its tracks by self-destructing. Nicolle escaped the subsequent fire unscathed, and was later reported to be considering hanging up his driving licence.

The matter was, we thought at the time, a pretty-cut-and-dried affair: Lizard Alliance gains control of BMW, man gets in BMW, BMW turns on man with murderous intent.

Now, however, we may have to re-evaluate the evidence. The Nicolle ordeal took place on the 5 March. He was arrested on 24 May on aforementioned charges, the BBC reports, although the beeb does not specifically say that the two incidents are directly related.

Assuming they are, there is only one chilling conclusion: the Lizard Alliance has gained a foothold in the UK's police forces. Long-standing members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) already know that we suspect London Mayor "Red" Ken Livingstone silences surviving witnesses of bendy-bus attack by feeding them to carniverous cyberloos, but little did we imagine that the forces of law and order may now be controlled via explosive cranial implant.

There are those who suggest that this has long been the case, and that the saturation of the UK's road system with speed cameras dedicated to rigorous enforcement of the speed limit is nothing more than a plot to bring western civilisation to its knees by eventual reduction of the average speed on Britain's highways to zero, we at the NRA reject this particular piece of black helicoptery.

It's far more likely that the Lizard Alliance presence among the Boys in Blue is limited to a few, senior-ranking officers who fell into its reptilian clutches during some dark and terrifying Masonic ritual. Thereafter, they dedicated themselves to immobilising the subordinates by imposing upon them crippling levels of paperwork or sending the entire force out with Gatsos.

Once they had succeeded in bogging down the UK's bobbies, the coast was then clear to deal with any surviving eyewitness to the alliance's killer BMW programme.

Alternatively, we may have been too hasty in fingering BMW as a slave to the Rise of the Machines™. NRA members are advised, however, to maintain one eye on their BMW's CPU and keep the other peeled for roadside speed camera vehicles. Stay vigilant, and remember: excess speed costs money. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

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Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter
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Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
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Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
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London menaced by flaming DVD players
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The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
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