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RZSL Big Brother is in the news a lot at the moment, bringing with it the inevitable reruns of ponderous 1984 editorials. With public attention consumed with questioning the surveillance society, it is left to followers of the RZSL™ to report the final realisation of another Orwellian nightmare: Animal Farm.

The RZSL™ bunker was deluged this week with reports of a 47-stone pig mauling his Welsh owner. The would-be Napoleon decided to stage a violent live action reenactment of the Soviet allegory last Sunday, as the BBC reports, pinning Geraint Roberts against his tractor.

The Landrace boar bit both his legs, his back and one arm, nearly severing an artery.

Roberts' wife apparently scared the filthy beast away by deploying a high-pressure hose. Worryingly, such a strategy is currently unavailable to those of us living in the deserts of southern England.

Shocked 19-year-old son Gwyn said: "We've no idea why he turned violent. We've had him for about a year and he's normally quite placid, but you can never really trust a boar, just like you can never trust a bull. My father is lucky to be alive." Roberts is reportedly recovering in hospital.

Two Plymouth, Devon women were similarly lucky when a crazed bull-mastiff cross breed mounted a savage attack on Thursday, knocking one to the floor.

They were rescued by local hero Chris Davis, who rushed into his mother's kitchen to arm himself. He said: "Another man was already using a big stick, but the dog just wouldn't let go and was dragging her up and down the path."

Eschewing more experimental kitchen weaponry, such as the egg slicer, the cheese grater or the whisk, he returned to the horrific scene brandishing a pair of knives.

Quote of the week from the have-a-go knifeman: "I didn't want to hurt the dog, I just wanted to get it off the girl. So I stabbed it in the head."

Top species-defending ruthlessness. Reports say he had to stab the animal around twenty times before it began to stagger and release its second victim. Both women were treated in hospital for their injuries. Davis was given a tetanus injection.

That would make this week a score draw between humans and the rest of the animal kingdom, were it not for the world's law enforcement officers finally waking up to the threat from power-crazed fauna. The Royal Canadian Mounted Police ended the reign of terror of an escaped bull by shooting it. Meanwhile, Welsh police arrested a seagull who's menacing and incessant swooping had become a threat in Colwyn Bay.

So, on balance Homo sapiens back on top. We've even got the bears on the run.

RZSL™ standings – 2/6/06:

  1. Humans ↑ - GET IN!
  2. Miscellaneous mammals ↑
  3. Bear Division ↓
  4. Monkeys/apes/fooballers/evicted Big Brother contestants (their antics are the only thing holding this group's end up – allez Les Singes!) ↑
  5. Reptiles (including the British Royal Family) ↓
  6. Insects ←
  7. Birds (vultures exempt) ↓
  8. Amphibians ← - someone have a word, you're looking like a bunch of chumps here guys...

Stay tuned, eyes peeled. ®

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