The Register®

Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/05/27/rzsl_week_2/

Lurking badgers, gay storks and German bears

It's been an eventful week for the RZSL™

By Christopher Williams

Posted in Science, 27th May 2006 08:02 GMT

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RZSL For the uninitiated, we at Vulture central decided last week [1] it's time to chronicle the battle for supremacy between the members of the animal kingdom.

News from Germany this week that bears had reappeared after a 170-year absence will not come as a shock to readers au fait with recent Scandinavian incursions. Shockingly, locals initially welcomed the invader [2]. After the beast went on a bloodthirsty rampage, eviscerating Bavarian sheep, officials changed tack, and hunters have now been ordered to shoot it on sight. Reuters reports Bavarian Environment Minister Werner Schnappauf saying: "It is now a problem bear. A man-bear encounter could occur at any time. It cannot be allowed to roam freely."

A man-bear encounter could not occur at any time? We couldn't agree more. But as the Deutschland disemboweler is still on the loose, were it not for a bear karate-kicking Finnish woman [3], this story would only extend their lead at the top of the RZSL™.

Meanwhile, Norway's Aftenposten reports [4] an attempt by badgers to skip millions of years of evolution and go straight from living in a hole in the dirt to centrally-heated Ikea-style Nordic homesteads. Coming home after a night on the sauna tiles, a man found one snarling under his bed. Most worryingly for Norwegians, their security services were no match for just one angry badger: “The rudely awakened animal ran around the room and ultimately overturned the bed, prompting the police to beat a retreat.”

A good week all round for miscellaneous mammals in fact, as after last week's prostitution of NZ cows, a Wiltshire heifer showed its solidarity by charging a police car [5].

Finally, birds indicated they were above the whole sorry scrabble. It seems that, for storks, it doesn't matter if you're gay, lesbian, or straight, you're still a good parent [6].

Here's the standings:

RZSL™ standings – 26/5/06:

  1. Bear division
  2. Miscellaneous mammals
  3. Birds (vultures exempt)
  4. Humans
  5. Reptiles (including the British Royal Family [7])
  6. Insects
  7. Amphibians
  8. Monkeys/apes/fooballers/evicted Big Brother contestants

No news is good news for amphibians. The lack of random cricket-battings together woeful spectacle in human misery playing out nightly on Channel 4shifts them up a place. Likewise, the plucky Finnish bear fightback lift human spirits. But the hairyness dominates the top, and the bear's ascendancy could be under threat given a few more elephant farmer stompings [8]. Stay tuned, eyes peeled. ®