Feeds

UFOs don't exist, says secret UK report

'Natural physical forces'

Beginner's guide to SSL certificates

Bad news today for UK UFO-spotters: that interdimensional alien mothership you spotted one night in Basingstoke while out walking the dog was probably ball lightning, or something equally terrestrial.

That's the conclusion of a secret 2000 MOD report which has been dragged from the X-Files by a freedom of information request from Sheffield Hallam Uni's Dr David Clarke, the BBC reveals.

The 400-page dossier, entitled "Unidentified Aerial Phenomena in the UK" and marked "Secret: UK Eyes Only", disappointingly concludes: "No evidence exists to suggest that the phenomena seen are hostile or under any type of control, other than that of natural physical forces." It adds: "There is no evidence that 'solid' objects exist which could cause a collision hazard."

For a flavour of the sort of phenomena which anxious citizens report to the powers that be, try the Ministry's UFO round-up section, which shows that on 20 February 2005, some terrified soul in Yeldersley, Derbyshire, spotted a "missile-shaped" object which was "turquoise in colour, metallic and looked reflective, and was the length of an estate car".

What, no alloy wheels and tints? We're not convinced, but what about a "triangular shaped, huge craft, with red lights on the stern" which "hovered over the southern suburbs of Shrewsbury" on 11 April?

That at least sounds like the precursor of a Martian invasion fleet, unlike this entry for 21 February: "Teddington, Middlesex: Something was seen in the sky."

Mercifully, the MOD is able to offer some down-to-earth reasons for these sightings. Its report explains:

"Considerable evidence exists to support the thesis that the events are almost certainly attributable to physical, electrical and magnetic phenomena in the atmosphere, mesosphere and ionosphere.

"They appear to originate due to more than one set of weather and electrically-charged conditions and are observed so infrequently as to make them unique to the majority of observers."

Of course, the UFOlogists will have none of it*. After all, there are plenty of people who claim to have experienced a Close Encounter. Or did they? The dossier continues: "The close proximity of plasma related fields can adversely affect a vehicle or person. Local fields of this type have been medically proven to cause responses in the temporal lobes of the human brain. These result in the observer sustaining (and later describing and retaining) his or her own vivid, but mainly incorrect, description of what is experienced."

And that's an end to the matter, the BBC reckons, since the MOD is not planning to invest further resources into UFO-hunting. A spokesman said: "Both this study and the original "Flying Saucer Working Party" [already released into the public domain] concluded that there is insufficient evidence to indicate the presence of any genuine unidentified aerial phenomena. It is unlikely that we would carry out any future studies unless such evidence were to emerge." ®

Bootnote

*Cue black helicopters, we suspect, as those who have been on the receiving end of an extraterrestrial anal probe queue up to claim the report is nothing more than a cover-up designed to hide the chilling truth from the plebs lest they run around like headless chickens at the prospect of wave upon wave of death-dispensing tripod vehicles chasing Tom Cruise around the US.

Here's a good example of this kind of thinking: a few years back during the height of the crop circle craze, an acquaintance admitted he and a few mates had nipped down to a Wiltshire cornfield and - in eight hours of nocturnal graft - created a magnificent example of the type offering thought-provoking geometry including the then-obligatory fractal elements.

They alerted the press, and waited in the local boozer for the whole thing to kick off. No sooner had the tabloids propped themselves against the bar, than mystical ley-line forces (the UK's mobile phone network, we suspect) drew a small crowd of crop-circle aficionados who began to speculate on the likely origin of the artwork's authors - Alpha Centauri, Ursa Minor, etc, etc.

At this point the humans responsible felt it only fair to 'fess up, but their claim to have knocked the whole thing up with chains and poles was met with: "No you didn't. You've been sent here by the government as a cover story."

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
GRAV WAVE DRAMA: 'Big Bang echo' may have been grit on the scanner – boffins
Exit Planet Dust on faster-than-light expansion of universe
SpaceX Dragon cargo truck flies 3D printer to ISS: Clawdown in 3, 2...
Craft berths at space station with supplies, experiments, toys
That glass of water you just drank? It was OLDER than the SUN
One MEELLION years older. Some of it anyway
Big dinosaur wowed females with its ENORMOUS HOOTER
That's right, Doris, I've got biggest snout in the prehistoric world
Japanese volcano eruption reportedly leaves 31 people presumed dead
Hopes fade of finding survivors on Mount Ontake
Relive the death of Earth over and over again in Extinction Game
Apocalypse now, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that ...
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
Intelligent flash storage arrays
Tegile Intelligent Storage Arrays with IntelliFlash helps IT boost storage utilization and effciency while delivering unmatched storage savings and performance.
Beginner's guide to SSL certificates
De-mystify the technology involved and give you the information you need to make the best decision when considering your online security options.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.