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Magic key to reveal future UK lottery numbers

Astounding eBay offer

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

This has got to be worth a tenner of anybody's money: a Magic key which will reveal future UK lottery winning numbers:

That magic key auction in full

Quite remarkable. Let's get one thing straight, though: this is not just an an old Peugeot key. Oh no. Here's the story:

As I sat upon the patio chair of great discomfort, resting, contemplating my beer belly and musing upon the terrible journey I had just completed, from the dread wastes of High Wycombe via the road of the dead, known to some as the M40, forced to crawl at stages through the blasted regions infested with red and white cone-shaped wraiths, where no man ever walks or toils, yet always the dark powers observe thee, I pondered my fate and wondered what had become of me. Lo! A vision appeared before me, and it was the Buddha of the trampoline. Offering me great gifts in exchange for food, I agreed, and gave the great Buddha fish fingers, chips and beans. In return, the great Buddha of the trampoline gave me a wondrous prize, the key to a magic box which contains all the numbers of the winning lottery tickets to come. Laughing and burping, the Buddha bounded from the trampoline to get her sacred can of Fanta, saying "Ha! but the way is hard, and knowest thou not where the box is, but I will leave thee these tools, which thou will need to find the box." I am not stout of heart, nor fleet of foot, and have not the will to search and fight for the magic Lottery box, and thus I decided to sell them to the most worthy bidder. All the magic items are listed below, and may Ged forgive me for my weakness.

  • Those mystical accessories

  • The Mysterious String of Lightness. Rumoured to have appeared to the Buddha from nowhere when the great trampoline manifested itself, the string will be required to retrace thy steps once the Lotto box is found.
  • The Allen Key of Nuisance. This Allen Key is known to motorcyclists everywhere, cast it at thine enemies, and it will force them to go to the shops in the car to buy something that they know they've already got but can't find.
  • The 99p Car Boot Sale Sunglasses of Protection. You will need these when opening the Lotto Box, to protect your eyes from the glare from the make-up of has-been celebrities, who will frolic around you, smelling the gold.
  • The Half Empty Glass of Wine, and the Fag of Doom. The Has-Beens will not be content, and thou wilst need to distract them by placing the wine and smoke on the nearest knackered patio table, thus allowing you to make good your escape.
  • The Tin Whistle of Greed. The Has-Beens will not be sated for long, sharing a few mouthfuls of wine, and one Lambert & Butler. Toot the flute once, hurl it into the air, and at once it will become a shining beacon, drawing all has-beens towards it with it's siren cry "Loan Adverts! Come and do Loan adverts on Council house telly! Help poor people get into Debt!"

Very silly, and entirely worthy of a Friday afternoon. We wish the stout-hearted, fleet-footed winner of this auction the best of lucky in locating the magic Lottery box. ®

Bootnote

Thanks to John List for the magic tip-off.

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

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