Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability

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Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability

Kiddies menaced by Davrotic university prof

Published Thursday 20th April 2006 10:17 GMT

Imagine this nightmare scenario: an alleged UK university cybernetics professor - actually an agent of the extraterrestrial Lizard Alliance and controlled by explosive cranial implant - himself gains control of a terrifying weapon of mass destruction and proceeds to implement his plan for the total subjugation of humanity in a Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead public library.

Scoff at your peril: that's exactly what happened back on 8 April when Kevin Warwick, aka Captain Cyborg, took the controls of a full-blown Dalek at Maidenhead's Cox Green Library, ostensibly to judge a kids' Doctor Who fancy dress compo.

The local council's blurb explains:

Children and adults alike will be heading for the library on Cox Green School campus to welcome a life-size Dalek on a special mission to exterminate the usual library Saturday programme and bring fun for all the family.

The remote-control alien will be accompanied by Professor Kevin Warwick, Professor of Cybernetics at Reading University, who will officially open the new library before giving everyone the opportunity to see Dr Who's deadliest enemy in action.

We're not quite sure how this one slipped under the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) radar, but God alone knows we apologise to the good burghers of the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead for not alerting them as to how close their kids came to extermination.

We can only conclude that Warwick's Dalek slave had not been sufficiently tortured to carry out its master's dark will, viz: making short work of the municipal facility before rampaging through Maidenhead dispensing terrible death and destruction and reducing that sun-dappled suburban paradise to a tortured mass of brick rubble and burning flesh.

Apologies are clearly in order. Back in June 2005, an NRA cadre detonated an experimental RFID-frying EMP device - "specifically designed to tackle the menace of futurologising cyberpundits" - in the centre of Reading. Our hope was that the "Warwick" weapon might disable the good prof's implanted cybernetic capabilities and therefore render him unable to appear on television giving forth about his own personal vision of a distopian future.

In the months following the Warwick's deployment, nothing was heard of Captain Cyborg, not even a brief radio appearence extolling the virtues of chipping your kids as a precaution against abduction, or how in the future you'll be able to turn the kettle on via Blutooth just by thinking about a cup of coffee.

Chillingly, the Warwick was clearly ineffective. NRA members worldwide are therefore warned to be on the lookout for hideous Davros-style hybrids of university lecturer and Dalek trundling around campuses proclaiming to anyone who will listen about the ultimate ascension of his genetically-engineered "mutos". ®