Feeds

Captain Cyborg acquires Dalek capability

Kiddies menaced by Davrotic university prof

  • alert
  • submit to reddit

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk

Imagine this nightmare scenario: an alleged UK university cybernetics professor - actually an agent of the extraterrestrial Lizard Alliance and controlled by explosive cranial implant - himself gains control of a terrifying weapon of mass destruction and proceeds to implement his plan for the total subjugation of humanity in a Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead public library.

Scoff at your peril: that's exactly what happened back on 8 April when Kevin Warwick, aka Captain Cyborg, took the controls of a full-blown Dalek at Maidenhead's Cox Green Library, ostensibly to judge a kids' Doctor Who fancy dress compo.

The local council's blurb explains:

Children and adults alike will be heading for the library on Cox Green School campus to welcome a life-size Dalek on a special mission to exterminate the usual library Saturday programme and bring fun for all the family.

The remote-control alien will be accompanied by Professor Kevin Warwick, Professor of Cybernetics at Reading University, who will officially open the new library before giving everyone the opportunity to see Dr Who's deadliest enemy in action.

We're not quite sure how this one slipped under the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) radar, but God alone knows we apologise to the good burghers of the Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead for not alerting them as to how close their kids came to extermination.

We can only conclude that Warwick's Dalek slave had not been sufficiently tortured to carry out its master's dark will, viz: making short work of the municipal facility before rampaging through Maidenhead dispensing terrible death and destruction and reducing that sun-dappled suburban paradise to a tortured mass of brick rubble and burning flesh.

Apologies are clearly in order. Back in June 2005, an NRA cadre detonated an experimental RFID-frying EMP device - "specifically designed to tackle the menace of futurologising cyberpundits" - in the centre of Reading. Our hope was that the "Warwick" weapon might disable the good prof's implanted cybernetic capabilities and therefore render him unable to appear on television giving forth about his own personal vision of a distopian future.

In the months following the Warwick's deployment, nothing was heard of Captain Cyborg, not even a brief radio appearence extolling the virtues of chipping your kids as a precaution against abduction, or how in the future you'll be able to turn the kettle on via Blutooth just by thinking about a cup of coffee.

Chillingly, the Warwick was clearly ineffective. NRA members worldwide are therefore warned to be on the lookout for hideous Davros-style hybrids of university lecturer and Dalek trundling around campuses proclaiming to anyone who will listen about the ultimate ascension of his genetically-engineered "mutos". ®

Bootnote

Thanks to NRA member Alex for this terrifying sighting of the Warwick monster.

The Rise of the Machines™

Man survives satanic BMW crash-and-burn
Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet
Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter
NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie
A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

Internet Security Threat Report 2014

More from The Register

next story
MARS NEEDS WOMEN, claims NASA pseudo 'naut: They eat less
'Some might find this idea offensive' boffin admits
LOHAN crash lands on CNN
Overflies Die Welt en route to lively US news vid
Experts brand LOHAN's squeaky-clean box
Phytosanitary treatment renders Vulture 2 crate fit for export
No sail: NASA spikes Sunjammer
'Solar sail' demonstrator project binned
America's super-secret X-37B plane returns to Earth after nearly TWO YEARS aloft
674 days in space for US Air Force's mystery orbital vehicle
Carry On Cosmonaut: Willful Child is a poor taste Star Trek parody
Cringeworthy, crude and crass jokes abound in Steven Erikson’s sci-fi debut
Origins of SEXUAL INTERCOURSE fished out of SCOTTISH LAKE
Fossil find proves it first happened 385 million years ago
Human spacecraft dodge COMET CHUNKS pelting off Mars
Odyssey orbiter yet to report, though - comet's trailing trash poses new threat
You can crunch it all you like, but the answer is NOT always in the data
Hear that, 'data journalists'? Our analytics prof holds forth
prev story

Whitepapers

Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
Why and how to choose the right cloud vendor
The benefits of cloud-based storage in your processes. Eliminate onsite, disk-based backup and archiving in favor of cloud-based data protection.
Three 1TB solid state scorchers up for grabs
Big SSDs can be expensive but think big and think free because you could be the lucky winner of one of three 1TB Samsung SSD 840 EVO drives that we’re giving away worth over £300 apiece.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.