Feeds

Devil rabbit terrorises village

'We are dealing with a monster', admits shaken local

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

Pity if you will the poor burghers of the Northumberland village of Felton - living as they are under a palpable pall of fear provoked by the attentions of a monstrous, allotment-menacing devil rabbit.

That's according to the Times, which reports that the "Beast of Felton" - a deer-sized, black and brown creature with "diabolically shaped ears" - has already decimated "a market stall's worth of Japanese onions, parsnips and spring carrots".

The first sighting of the Mephistophelean herbivore came back in February. Allotment holder Jeff Smith, 63, recounted: "This is no ordinary rabbit. We are dealing with a monster. It's absolutely massive.

"The first time I saw it, I wasn't sure what it was. Its prints are huge, about the size of a deer. It's a brute of a thing. We have two lads here with guns who are trying to shoot it, but it's too clever. They never see it."

The two lads in question are hired guns tasked with killing the vegetarian vandal. One of the Magnificent Two, underkeeper Brian Cadman, said: "Only a few people have seen it so far but I've seen the evidence and I think it's going to be a big 'un.

"I've been out here at night with another underkeeper. We have not had much luck yet, but you can see what it's been eating. It's been taking huge bites out of cabbages, carrots and turnips."

With the beast still at large, the mood in Felton has turned from fear to vengeful anger. Smith told a meeting of the local parish council on Monday: "When we get it killed - when we shoot it - we are going to hang it up on a tree so folk can see it."

Whether the locals then rushed to the village green with wooden agricultural implements and burning torches before storming into the night in search of the unholy creature's creator is not noted. Nick Park was unavailable for comment this morning. ®

Bootnote

Thanks to all those readers who've written to suggest that what the people of Felton really need is the Holy hand grenade of Antioch.

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Cops apologise for leaving EXPLOSIVES in suitcase at airport
'Canine training exercise' SNAFU sees woman take home booming baggage
Apple's Mr Havisham: Tim Cook says dead Steve Jobs' office has remained untouched
'I literally think about him every day' says biz baron's old friend
Flaming drone batteries ground commercial flight before takeoff
Passenger had Something To Declare, instead fiddled while plane burned
Jony Ive: Apple iWatch will SCREW UP Switzerland's economy
Apple's chief designer forgot one crucial point about overpriced bling
Apple Fanbois (and girls) already lining up for NEW iPHONE
You know, that one that hasn't even been announced yet?
prev story

Whitepapers

Providing a secure and efficient Helpdesk
A single remote control platform for user support is be key to providing an efficient helpdesk. Retain full control over the way in which screen and keystroke data is transmitted.
Top 5 reasons to deploy VMware with Tegile
Data demand and the rise of virtualization is challenging IT teams to deliver storage performance, scalability and capacity that can keep up, while maximizing efficiency.
Reg Reader Research: SaaS based Email and Office Productivity Tools
Read this Reg reader report which provides advice and guidance for SMBs towards the use of SaaS based email and Office productivity tools.
Security for virtualized datacentres
Legacy security solutions are inefficient due to the architectural differences between physical and virtual environments.
Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops
Balancing user privacy and privileged access, in accordance with compliance frameworks and legislation. Evaluating any potential remote control choice.