Feeds

Devil rabbit terrorises village

'We are dealing with a monster', admits shaken local

Intelligent flash storage arrays

Pity if you will the poor burghers of the Northumberland village of Felton - living as they are under a palpable pall of fear provoked by the attentions of a monstrous, allotment-menacing devil rabbit.

That's according to the Times, which reports that the "Beast of Felton" - a deer-sized, black and brown creature with "diabolically shaped ears" - has already decimated "a market stall's worth of Japanese onions, parsnips and spring carrots".

The first sighting of the Mephistophelean herbivore came back in February. Allotment holder Jeff Smith, 63, recounted: "This is no ordinary rabbit. We are dealing with a monster. It's absolutely massive.

"The first time I saw it, I wasn't sure what it was. Its prints are huge, about the size of a deer. It's a brute of a thing. We have two lads here with guns who are trying to shoot it, but it's too clever. They never see it."

The two lads in question are hired guns tasked with killing the vegetarian vandal. One of the Magnificent Two, underkeeper Brian Cadman, said: "Only a few people have seen it so far but I've seen the evidence and I think it's going to be a big 'un.

"I've been out here at night with another underkeeper. We have not had much luck yet, but you can see what it's been eating. It's been taking huge bites out of cabbages, carrots and turnips."

With the beast still at large, the mood in Felton has turned from fear to vengeful anger. Smith told a meeting of the local parish council on Monday: "When we get it killed - when we shoot it - we are going to hang it up on a tree so folk can see it."

Whether the locals then rushed to the village green with wooden agricultural implements and burning torches before storming into the night in search of the unholy creature's creator is not noted. Nick Park was unavailable for comment this morning. ®

Bootnote

Thanks to all those readers who've written to suggest that what the people of Felton really need is the Holy hand grenade of Antioch.

Secure remote control for conventional and virtual desktops

More from The Register

next story
Criticism of Uber's journo-Data Analytics plan is an Attack on DIGITAL FREEDOM
First they came for Emil – and I'm damn well SPEAKING OUT
'It is comforting to know where your data centres are.' UK.GOV does NOT
Plus: Anons are 'wannabes', KKK says, before being pwned
Google's whois results say it's a lousy smut searcher
Run whois google.com or whois microsoft.com. We dare you, you PIG◙◙◙◙ER
Holy vintage vehicles! Earliest known official Batmobile goes on sale
Riddle me this: are you prepared to pay US$180k?
'Open source just means big companies can steal your code.' O RLY?
Plus: Flame of the Week returns, for one night only!
NEWSFLASH: It's time to ditch dullard Facebook chums
Everything hot in tech, courtesy of avian anchor Regina Eggbert
Hey, you, PHONE-FACE! Kickstarter in-car mobe mount will EMBED your phone into your MUG
Stick it on the steering wheel and wait for the airbag to fire
prev story

Whitepapers

Seattle children’s accelerates Citrix login times by 500% with cross-tier insight
Seattle Children’s is a leading research hospital with a large and growing Citrix XenDesktop deployment. See how they used ExtraHop to accelerate launch times.
Forging a new future with identity relationship management
Learn about ForgeRock's next generation IRM platform and how it is designed to empower CEOS's and enterprises to engage with consumers.
How to determine if cloud backup is right for your servers
Two key factors, technical feasibility and TCO economics, that backup and IT operations managers should consider when assessing cloud backup.
High Performance for All
While HPC is not new, it has traditionally been seen as a specialist area – is it now geared up to meet more mainstream requirements?
Business security measures using SSL
Examines the major types of threats to information security that businesses face today and the techniques for mitigating those threats.