Blue Peter ID Cards for pesky kids
Diddle dum dum dum, diddle DUM DUM DUM
BBC bosses are mulling plans to issue Blue Peter ID cards in place of the coveted badges awarded to kids who prove their lickspittle credentials to producers of the hit TV show.
The Beeb is understood to have tabled the initiative using emergency powers granted under the Prevention of Antidisestablishmentarianism Act (1869), in an effort to bring wayward children back under the corporation's control.
It is understood that BBC security men, investigating the innocent sale of a few Blue Peter  Badges on legitimate auction  websites, uncovered far more widespread contempt for the corporation's values than feared.
The legitimate internet auctions, where the badges have fetched up to £50 a time, are just the tip of the iceberg.
The badges are highly prized because of the privileges they confer on their owners, such as free entry to London Zoo, Buckingham Palace, the House of Lords and the BBC pension scheme.
On the black market, most badges are fetching over £100. The Gold Blue Peter Badge, children's television's equivalent of the Victoria Cross, is understood to be worth up to £200. Counterfeiting is suspected, but has not been proven.
R Killjoy, head of children's programming, said in a statement today: "It's just not fair for anyone to be able to buy privilege. Privilege is something children learn, from being well-bred in the ways of manners, dignity and good grace," he said. "That is why we are going to clamp down on these bloody kids and put a stop to their contemptible behaviour once and for all."
Class prefects up and down the country received the news of the ID card plan with relief. A recent report revealed how difficult it was becoming for prefects to discipline the unruly children of the ASBO generation.
"This is a vewy encouwaging start," said Cuthbert Cringeworthy, Bash Street School head prefect, in a written statement issued through his PR agent.
"We are weally vewy awfully pleased that we will at last be given the tools we despewately need to do our difficult and dangerwous jobs," he added.
"The oiks are getting out of hand. And we are left with no choice but to use extweme measures," he went on.
"When I wear my Blue Peter Badge, I want to be able to wear it with pwide for the daring way in which I earned it, as a result of which I saw that that wotter Woger the Dodger got fifty thwacks with the sflipper, the sight of which I never quite...," he went on. ®