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Man survives satanic BMW crash-and-burn

Accelerator jammed at 135mph

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It's official: the German automotive industry fell to the Lizard Alliance on 5 March when a 26-year-old UK man recorded the first incident of murderous Teutonic automobile: an R-reg BMW 318 which took its terrified victim on a high-speed white knuckle ride of near death before self-destructing on a roundabout.

According to a sobering BBC report, Kevin Nicolle was at the controls of said vehicle on the A1 near Thirsk in North Yorkshire when the car started to accelerate - and not at his behest. What followed will chill the hearts of all members of the neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA): a 60-mile, 135mph dash down the hard shoulder, police helicopter in hot pursuit while Mr Nicolle frantically attempted to bring the Todesauto back under human control.

Nicolle explained: "I was travelling down the motorway and I came to traffic in front of me. I took my foot off the accelerator because it's automatic - but I wasn't slowing down at all.

"I hit the brakes. They were braking ok, they were keeping me at about 70mph. So I phoned up the police after I called the AA and they said straight away 'stick your hazard lights on and headlights on - we've got a helicopter en route to you'."

Nicolle attempted unsuccessfully to stick the Beemer in neutral, but found the gears jammed. "Then the brakes started burning out - I could see smoke coming from the brakes," he said.

After 60 miles - during which Nicolle was in constant contact with the police on his hands-free - his options ran out. Approaching a roundabout near Blyth he saw there were "a load of cars parked waiting to go onto the roundabout, so I went on the inside on the hard shoulder to try to get around it.

"But doing that sort of speed there was no chance and I hit the roundabout head on. I remember the 999 lady saying 'he's crashed'."

The car quickly ensured that any investigation into the cause of the ordeal would be made as difficult as possible - by duly bursting into flames. Nicolle admitted: "I survived the accident but I thought I was going to die in the fire."

Police duly towed away the car and "BMW said they would carry out a full investigation". We all know what that means; a suspicion confirmed by BMW's UK media relations manager, Duncan Forrester, who said: "I would certainly like to reassure anybody driving any BMW that we see this as really nothing more than a freak accident. We have absolutely no record of anything such as this happening in the past, hence the reason why we want to take a close look at it."

Regular monitors of the Rise of the Machines™ will find these words spine-tinglingly familiar. Back in 2004, an incident during which a Renault Vel Satis subjected a sobbing Frenchman to an hour-long, 125mph involuntary speed trial, provoked the firm's CEO Louis Schweitzer to declare: "Every time there is an incident like this, we have to look into it on the principle of basic precaution. But the way this has been described to me, I find it very surprising and most unlikely."

For the record, Nicolle survived the impact with the roundabout unscathed. He is unsurprisingly considering giving up driving altogether. ®

Bootnote

Thanks to NRA scout Kiel Goodman for the sighting. Stay vigilant.

The Rise of the Machines™

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Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter
NRA probes Japanese sex android
Androids launch minicab firm
Beware the breast-examining hand of death
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube
Sex android begats Armageddon machine
Man executes Chrysler
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace
French join motorised Lizard Alliance
Lizard Army develops copulating robot
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace
Lizard Army invades Alaska
London menaced by flaming DVD players
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman
Car self-destructs in assassination bid
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated
US develops motorised robobollard
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A robot in every home by 2010
Cyberappliances attack Italian village
Fire-breathing buses threaten London
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman

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