Psst, want to be on Dr Who?
And the best of this weekend's telly
Geek TV Certified gadget obsessives Tech Digest and Shiny Shiny scour Gizmoville for the oddest digital goodies, TV Scoop features all that’s cool in British telly and Games Digest has all the latest gaming news.
It won't have escaped your notice that it's CeBIT time, and all manner of competitive pimping is going on in the world of very big tellies. First to the plate was Samsung, with an 82in backlit behemoth, but LG shoved its way in front with its 100in LCD leviathan boasting a 3,000:1 contrast ratio and 180 degree viewing angle.
Very nice, chaps. But even the biggest telly in the world can't make the BBC give us a starting date for the new Doctor Who. It seems the Beebmeisters are too busy fielding "Dear Jim" letters from famous people who want to be in an episode. Latest addition is Peter Kay, who'll star as dastardly Victor Kennedy in episode 10 after writing a bot-kissing letter to Russell T Davies. The new series also features Anthony Head, Maureen Lipman and Roger Lloyd-Pack. And some geezer called David Tennant.
Another chancer with an upcoming star role is DJ Daz, minor internet celebrity and now the man most likely to come in the bottom five of Eurovision. Last weekend's Making Your Mind Up might have been a TV programme, or it might have been an acid trip I once had. Wogan was Terrytastic, Kaplinksy wore a Rimmel factory on her face, and the audience wore big muscles and sleeveless T-shirts. Online crusader Daz couldn't lose, given that every hardcore reality TV phone-voter was watching Dancing On Ice (DJ Daz's website genuinely begins: "Booyakaa... aiight!").
Daz was probably too bladdered to stay up for the Oscars, but Jon Stewart's hosting debut was well worth the lost sleep. He got mixed reviews, but this viewer reckons he pulled it off - and stayed true to his Daily Show tone. Introducing rapper Ludacris, Stewart deadpanned: "Ladies and gentlemen, our next guest is a musician. You don't know him. Go upstairs, where your children are illegally downloading music. Ask them to explain."
Finally, download of the week is this Sky advert for The Simpsons. Best idea Mr Murdoch's had in years.
Five to watch this week:
Best of The Muppets, Sat 11 March, ITV1, 7pm
Did you know that Muppets writer and The Thick of It star Chris Langham guest-starred as a last-minute replacement for Richard Pryor in 1981?
Kenneth Williams: Fantabulosa!, Mon 13 March, BBC4, 9pm
In which Michael Sheen, who played Tony Blair in 2005's The Deal, gets skeletal and flares his nostrils to play Carry On's troubled nutter.
Beauty and the Geek, Tue 14 March, E4, 10pm
Last in the series. We chew our knuckles in anticipation.
Ideal, Tue 14 March, BBC3, 10.30pm
Johnny Vegas is back for another go as Moz the dope dealer. Sadly Moz's cat, Mrs Slocombe, has been fired for disobedience on set.
The Apprentice, Weds 15 March, BBC2, 9pm
Best thing on the telly at the moment, with Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares snapping at its heels. This week, the teams set up theme restaurants. Both team leaders are management consultants. I think you know what's coming next.