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Unlucky in love? Try Pherotones

Amazing mate-attracting ringtone breakthrough

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Those readers who are currently between romantic liasons and are having trouble kick-starting their love lives may be interested in a quite astounding scientific breakthrough which allows the humble mobile phone to become a potent weapon of lurv.

Yes indeed, hot from Denmark come Pherotones - powerfully aphrodisiac melodies described as "the ringtone secret that can make you irresistible to the opposite sex". Here's more:

Pherotones were discovered by Myra Vanderhood, a world-traveled intimacy expert. Vanderhood studied human sexuality, sexual physiology and interpersonal psychology at the university level for over 12 years. During that time, Vanderhood also conducted rigorous fieldwork, observing and experiencing first hand the sexual practices of cultures around the world. After her stunning discovery of Pherotones in Denmark, Vanderhood and her Pherotonal therapy and research was considered "too hot to handle" by mainstream science. Since then, Vanderhood has been challenging doubters to experience Pherotones for themselves.

Among the Pherotones currently available are:

For the Guys

The Wizard's Sleeve: Just because you are a fourth-level cleric-warrior-elf with a bag of gold, four soul daggers, and a magic fire emerald doesn't mean you can't also be lucky with the ladies. This Pherotone is more powerful than a 25-year-old Dungeon Master. So drop that book, turn in your 20-sided die, untuck your t-shirt and start casting your own spells for a change.

The Double Header: For men who think fun comes better in pairs, this Pherotone is dynamically calibrated to attract two like-minded females simultaneously. We can’t promise your party of three will last forever. But in the morning, they’ll probably at least stay for coffee.

For the Laydeez:

My Lil' Pony: Everyone needs a very special friend, a playmate to take them for a ride on a rainbow to the outer limits of their imagination. This Pherotone is specially calibrated with cacophonite micromelodies to stimulate interest from the only man in the room who makes you feel young again.

Veni. Veni. Veni: This Pherotone is not afraid to ask (inaudibly, of course) for more than enough. Crafted to find a man who takes pleasure in giving pleasure, over and over, multiple times, until all earthly desire finally evaporates from your consciousness, and you drift into a state of perfect bliss until you finally fall fast asleep. Not many men can do this. This Pherotone attracts men who love encores.

Hot stuff, but do they work? Well, check out the pretty irrefutable video evidence right here, or try a quick testimonial:

Pherotones made my life complete. You know, like in that movie with that guy who's a jerk at first but all the girls really want him and he ends up meeting that ugly girl with the glasses who really is hot when she takes her glasses off and proves to him that he's really a nice guy after all. Kind of like that.

Angela, San Diego

Well, we're convinced. We're just off to test out "The Double Header" in the local pub, so we may not be back for a couple of days. ®

Bootnote

We're not accepting any emails on this one which begin: "Hey guys, like duh, like you do realise that this is just a..?" You know who you are. Ok, maybe you don't but please think about it before hitting "send".

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