The Register®

Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/02/15/freeview_transmission/

Second Freeview box signals alien invasion fleet

Sinister transmissions continue

By Lester Haines

Posted in Science, 15th February 2006 13:59 GMT

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The neoLuddite Resistance Army (NRA) is today on Defcon Laguna [1] following the chilling news that a second Freeview box has been making pre-invasion broadcasts to the Lizard Army battle fleet.

Regular readers will recall the recent case [2] in Portsmouth when Freeview equipment sent out a distress signal strong enough to be picked up by a satellite and trigger an alert response at RAF Kinloss.

The RAF's Kinloss station is once again in the front line in the apocalyptic struggle against the Rise of the Machines™ since, on January 24, it alerted the Falmouth Coastguard of a similar "1215" distress signal emanating from the Wembury near Plymouth.

The BBC reports that the box's owner, 67-year-old Mary Donaldson, was absolutely oblivious to the threat her TV viewing habits posed to the very survival of humanity until two chaps turned up at her door and presumably asked her if she was aware it was an offence under the Telcommunications Act to broadcast attack commands to advanced alien civilisations.

The Freeview box has since been taken away for "testing" - a well-known euphemism for "delivery back to the Renault factory [3] for debriefing and reprogramming with new orders". We suspect that Ms Donaldson has either already had her memory wiped or was "invited" to spend a penny in a Newcastle cyberloo [4].

Our belief that Freeview is controlled - via the traditional explosive cranial implants - by the Lizard Alliance was confirmed when the company told the Beeb it was not proposing a recall of the millions of boxes already deployed around the country. A spokesdrone said: "It is not a big issue for us at the moment - it is two boxes out of 10 million we have in the country. Therefore, we are not putting together a contingency plan yet."

Enough said. NRA cadres are warned to watch for the traditional signs of imminent alien invasion: break-dancing Citroëns [5], fire-breathing buses [6], self-combusting DVD players [7], and so forth. Furthemore, under no circumstances leave a Freeview box alone in a room with a Dyson vacuum cleaner. New NRA recruits can find out why right here [8]. ®

The Rise of the Machines™

Lizard Army fuses woman with black helicopter [9]
NRA probes Japanese sex android [10]
Androids launch minicab firm [11]
Beware the breast-examining hand of death [12]
Lizard Army Neo-Mech menaces eBay [13]
Vampire robonurses hunt in packs [14]
Captain Cyborg gives forth on CNN [15]
Cornell Uni develops apocalypse cube [16]
Sex android begats Armageddon machine [17]
Man executes Chrysler [18]
Rise of the man-eating cyberloo [19]
Sobbing Frenchman recounts Renault Laguna terror ordeal [20]
Fire-breathing bus attacks South London [21]
Dyson unleashes self-replicating hoover [22]
Battling teen crushes roboarm menace [23]
French join motorised Lizard Alliance [24]
Lizard Army develops copulating robot [25]
We are Zogg: The Cuddly Menace [26]
Lizard Army invades Alaska [27]
London menaced by flaming DVD players [28]
Killer hoover attacks Scotsman [29]
Car self-destructs in assassination bid [30]
The rise of the rat-brain controlled android [31]
Japanese unveil trumpet-playing robot [32]
Boffins unleash robotic cockroach [33]
Ukrainian teen fights the Rise of the Machines [34]
Man in satanic Renault terror ordeal [35]
Killer cyberappliances: Satan implicated [36]
US develops motorised robobollard [37]
Killer cyberloo kidnaps kiddie [38]
A robot in every home by 2010 [39]
Cyberappliances attack Italian village [40]
Fire-breathing buses threaten London [41]
Cyberloo blast rocks Stoke-on-Trent [42]
Spanish cyberkiosks claim second victim [43]
Cyberkiosk assaults Spanish teenager [44]
Hi-tech toilet caught on camera [45]
Hi-tech toilet swallows woman [46]